Chapter 1
When I started the program here I thought that my life was set for the next four to six years. Recently, I have realized that I am not really happy working with computers. From my work with the Quilt and doing peer counseling at Ohio State, I think that I would be much happier working with people. I am currently seeing a career counselor to get a better idea of what I might enjoy doing. I am leaning towards counseling psychology. The major impact of this decision as far as the net is concerned is that I may be losing this account at the end of the semester. I will continue to have net-access through the end of the summer from another account at CMU, but after that I may no longer have an account.
I am looking at programs at some schools in the Philadelphia area. I would be interested in getting some information on these schools from people in the area. The schools are Hahnemann, Chestnut Hill, and Temple. Do these schools have antidiscrimination policies? What is gay life in Philly like? Is there a gay square/folk dance group there?
On a more personal note, some of you may remember that I wrote about my experiences at the Quilt. There was one gentleman in particular that I had seen at NOCM's (National Organization for Changing Men) annual conference but had not actually talked to there. I saw him again at the Quilt, but did not remember where I knew him from. Since I thought that I should know him, I started talking to him which I probably would not have done otherwise. He invited me to stay with him if I was ever in Philly.
I didn't know if he was just being hospitable and I was reading things into his invitation because I thought that he was very attractive or if he had an ulterior motive for inviting me to stay with him. Ever since I got back from the Quilt I have been thinking about him. I found an advertisement for a cheap bus to Philly for Thanksgiving. I decided that this would be a good opportunity to take John up on his offer and get a chance to see my brother (the Mormon) for Thanksgiving. I decided to write John a letter asking if his invitation still stood and if so would Thanksgiving be a good weekend for him.
As soon as I mailed the letter I thought, "Oh my God, what have I done?" I waited in anguish to get some reply. If I was going to make arrangements I needed to know soon, but I didn't want him to get the feeling that I was pressuring him. I figured that he would probably get my letter last Thursday which meant that the soonest I could expect to hear from him was Monday. I decided that I would call him Monday evening if I did not get anything from him.
Monday morning, I checked on the bus to see how many positions were left. They said that all the positions were filled, but if they got thirty more people they would run another bus. I put my name on the list as number fourteen. I couldn't make any more decisions until I knew if there was going to be another bus, so I didn't need to contact John right away. I was still anxious to find out if I had gotten any mail though.
When I got home, I found a letter from John waiting for me. I eagerly opened it. His invitation was still open, but not for Thanksgiving. He suggested several other weekends when I could visit. Then he said that actually I could stay at his house over Thanksgiving but "I wouldn't be free to invite you to share my bed -- which I would like to do -- on that particular weekend." I was ecstatic.
Later that night, I was just sitting down to write a letter to him when he called. He got to thinking that he may have misread my letter to him. I assured him that he hadn't. We talked for quite awhile mostly trying to find a weekend that would be good for both of us.
Tuesday, I sent him another letter. He will probably get it today. Whatever else comes of this, I know that I have made a new friend.
Chapter 2
I called John last night to make arrangements for my trip to Philly. We finally agreed on a date. I will be in the Philly area from Dec. 15 to Dec. 17 and would be interested in meeting other motssers who will be in the area then.
After my lasting posting I got a detailed report on gay life in Philadelphia (Thanks Amelia). To my disappointment, there is no gay square dance group in Philly, but Amelia told me that there was a bar that had country/western dancing. I did not how John felt about dancing, but I really wanted to go to this.
Ever since I came out, I have had the fantasy of being able to dance in the arms of an attractive man. This simple pleasure was denied to me by straight society because of its homophobia. I didn't realize I that was also being oppressed by gay society until I read the description of the dance at the Gay Rodeo in one of the Tales of the City books. This description made me realize how important this was to me and gave me hope that it might possibly come true (but probably not in the near future).
As I was saying, I called John last night to firm up some of the details. Out of the blue, he asked me if I did country dancing. I couldn't believe my ears. Without knowing about it, he was asking me if he could fulfill my dream.
I have been thinking alot recently about the role of fate and destiny in our lives. Is it just coincidence that I met this man that I find very attractive and who offered to fulfill one of my dreams or have I been designing my future so that I engineer this meeting with John because we are meant to be together? I feel that we arrange our lives as they are in order to learn from them. Nothing is by chance. But intellectually I have difficulty believing this. My heart says one thing and my mind says another. Which should I believe?
When I ran into John on the Sunday that I was in DC, without thinking about it, I went up and gave him a big hug. In my heart I knew that it was the right thing to do, but when I thought about it I couldn't believe that I had done it.
Now I am arranging to go to Philadelphia to be with John for a weekend. In my heart I know that I must do it but when I stop to think about it I think that I must be crazy. Do I follow my heart or do I follow my mind?
In the end I must follow my heart. The joy that I feel just considering spending time with John needs to be given a chance to grow. I need to give myself the opportunity to love John. The result may be more wonderful than I can hope to imagine or it could cause lots of pain. But eventually the pain will subside to be replaced by pleasant memories of the time we shared however brief.
The pain will be nothing compared to the pain from not trying and always wondering "What if...?"
Chapter 3
I called John on Thanksgiving to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. He wasn't home, so I left a message and called back on Friday. As we were talking, I said something that made him realize that I was getting more attached to him than was justified by the amount of time we had spent together. I was afraid that he might try to back out of the trip because of this, but he ended the conversation by saying that he would see me on the 15th.
I spent a long time after this trying to figure out why I was so attached to him. I finally decided that I had to distance myself from him as much as I could. He was only willing to commit himself to the weekend and I had to accept that. Hoping for anything else before the weekend was totally unjustified.
I decided not to call him again until shortly before I left to confirm everything. This was partly so that I could distance myself from him and partly so that John would not get scared off. I needed to have at least the weekend to discover what John was really like. I knew that part of what I liked about John was the fantasy that I had constructed around him. What I didn't know was how much of the fantasy was a reasonable generalization from what I knew about John and how much of it was just wishful thinking on my part. I needed the weekend to help me separate out the truth from the fiction.
I had decided to call John on Wednesday to confirm everything, but on Monday night, I went to visit one of my friends who wasn't feeling well. Tuesday's paper had already come out, so I was reading the horoscope to him. I don't have alot of faith in the horoscope, but I still read it every time I get the paper. My horoscope said that there would be some good news from a long distance phone call. The only long distance phone call I was expecting was from or to John, but I wasn't planning on calling him until Wednesday.
Even though I don't believe in astrology, I began to reconsider when I would call him. If the horoscope was right, then I could expect good news from the call if I made it on Tuesday. Since I was still worried that John might reconsider putting me up, good news would mean that the weekend was still on. This would also give me more of an opportunity to talk to John if I didn't catch him at home when I called. I decided that I would think about it, but that I would probably call him on Tuesday evening.
John made my decision for me. When I got home, there was a message that he had called. By that time, I thought that it was too late to return the call. I decided that I would give him a call the next morning. I assumed that he was just calling to check on everything, but part of me wondered if he might have been calling to cancel the weekend. Because of this, I could not get to sleep Monday night. (There were other contributing factors, but this was the main one.)
About five, I decided that if I was going to call him in the morning, I would have to stay awake the rest of the night. I knew that I could always call him in the evening, but I wanted to let him know that I wasn't ignoring him. About 7:30 in the morning, I knew that I had to get to sleep soon. I figured that most people would already be up by this time, so I wouldn't be waking him up and there was still a good chance that he wouldn't have left for work yet. I called and he answered almost immediately. He had just gotten downstairs and had rushed to his answering machine to see if he had missed my call while he was asleep. He had called to settle everything for the weekend.
The weekend was still on.
Chapter 4
The last couple of days before I left for Philly were pretty hectic for me. I had made plans to leave here Thursday evening because the bus was cheaper if I left between Monday and Thursday and also because I wanted to get to Philly as soon as possible. I had a take home final that was due on Friday, so that meant that I had to hand it in on Thursday. My last final was from 5:30-8:30 Thursday evening which gave me about an hour and a half to get to the bus station for my bus. I didn't have time to go home after the final, so I brought my suitcases to work.
I finally got to the bus station and had time to eat a very late dinner. When I bought my bus ticket, it had separated the trip up into a leg from Pittsburgh to Harrisburg and one from Harrisburg to Philadelphia. The only reason I could see for doing this was if I had to transfer in Harrisburg. I was very tired, but I knew that I had to stay awake long enough to make sure that I didn't have to transfer before I could go to sleep. I finally got on the bus and managed to get a window seat. They crowded as many people onto the bus as they could fit. Fortunately, I did not have to transfer in Harrisburg.
I settled down to go to sleep, but the excitement made it difficult for me to get to sleep immediately. The person who was sitting next to me fell asleep fairly quickly. His leg started drifting over into my space and ended up leaning against mine. I found this very annoying and tried to do all sorts of things to get him to keep his leg on his side. (If he had been cute, I might not have minded.) Even when I moved as far away from him as I could his leg still ended up against mine. This got me terribly annoyed which made it even more difficult to get to sleep.
On top of all this, the person in front of me was also annoying me. There is almost never enough leg room between the seats on busses, especially for someone with legs as long as mine. When the person in front reclines their chair, the leg room is even further decreased. If there is someone in the seat next to me, I end up having my knees right against the seat in front of me.
The person in front of me obviously didn't like the fact that the seats only reclined so far. Every half hour or so she would wake up and try to get her seat to go lower. I don't know why it took her so long to figure out that they wouldn't, but she didn't give up until we left Harrisburg. This wouldn't have caused any problems except that she kept hoping that if she used force, she might be able to get it to go lower. She would raise it up and lower it with as much force as she could manage about three or four times in a row.
As I said, my knees were right against the back of her seat. If I left them there while she was futilely trying to lower her seat, I would have had sore knees. I had to pay attention to her so that when she tried this, I would immediately pull my knees back. This also made it difficult for me to get to sleep.
I finally managed to get about an hour's worth of sleep shortly after leaving Harrisburg. When I woke up I wondered where we were. Shortly, I saw a sign for the Valley Forge exit. I knew that we were getting near so I decided that I might as well not try to get back to sleep.
I had hoped to get more sleep before I got to Philadelphia so that John and I could play when we got back to his house. I had warned him that I might be tired, but I hadn't expected to get so little sleep. Still the ride had been very relaxing for the most part in spite of all the inconveniences and I actually felt fairly rested although still tired.
The bus got to the station five minutes early. I had told John that the bus was getting in at 4:50 in the morning. I was hoping that John would be there when I got there, but he was not. Of course I worried that he might have forgotten (not likely) or that he had overslept (fairly likely) or that he had somehow misunderstood what time he was supposed to pick me up (not likely). I decided to give him half an hour before I called his house. He showed up about ten minutes after that.
The doors to the main entrance were locked when John got there and I had trouble getting anyone to unlock them long enough for me to get out, so we stood looking at each other through the glass while I tried to get the attention of someone who would open the doors. Finally, John suggested that I go through one of the doors on the other side of the building and he would meet me there.
I finally, got out of the building and saw John standing at the corner. I hurried over there and John said, "Welcome to Philadelphia."
Chapter 5
John said, "Welcome to Philadelphia."
I said, "Thank you."
We walked to where he had parked his car. There were so many things that I wanted to ask him that I didn't know where to start. I had been talking with people from Pittsburgh who had been at NOCM to try to get as much information as possible about him. Only one person there remembered him. Steve told me that they had first met in Philadelphia. John had been with a friend of Steve's and Steve went over to say hello and ended up talking with John for quite awhile. Steve also tried to pick up John at the conference here.
Steve was able to tell me a little about John that I didn't already know. He said that John was a counselor who worked with the terminally ill. This would explain in part why John would have been at the Quilt.
Steve also said that he had seen John dancing at the conference without his shirt on. Given my fondness for fur, I asked him if John had a hairy chest. Steve said that he did. Since I didn't know if Steve's definition of hairy coincided with mine, this told me that John had some hair on his chest. I was dying to find out exactly how much.
As John and I were walking to his car, I realized he was much taller than I had remembered. I asked him how tall he was and he said, "6'4 and 3/8 inches". We reached the car and got in. I was chilly and nervous, so I sat huddled up on my side of the car. I wanted to put my hand on his leg because I like the contact. I didn't know whether I should do this or not because I didn't know how he felt about it and because he had a standard and my hand would get in the way of his shifting gears. I decided that I would wait and see what he would do once we got started.
I told him that I had gotten very little sleep on the bus and that I was very tired. He told me that he had also had trouble getting to sleep because of some things that he had been thinking about. We agreed that we would go to bed as soon as we got to his place. The question that was burning in my mind was would we go to sleep once we were there or would we play first.
I needed to know what arrangements he had made for work that day. He said that he had told them that he would be home reading journals all day which he does occasionally. This reminded me of one of the questions I wanted to ask him. "By the way, what do you do?"
"I'm a hospital chaplain."
There were two things that I vowed that I would never do: get involved with someone named John and get involved with a clergyman. When I was in college, every single roommate that the housing office assigned to me was named John. I think they did this out of a bizarre sense of humor. Whenever someone called asking for John, I would have to ask them which one they wanted. I got very tired of this very quickly. I didn't look forward to having to do this the rest of my life. So I decided, never get involved with someone named John.
I also didn't want to get involved with a minister. My father was a Methodist minister. Because of that, I moved very frequently making it difficult for me to develop roots which still affects me to this day. I also saw all the hypocrisy in the church and did not want to have to deal with that again. Hence my reluctance to get involved with a pastor.
Not only was John named John, he was a chaplain. I had already decided that my rule against getting involved with someone named John was worth waiving for John, but the rule about clergy was much deeper ingrained although it was becoming less important as I considered going into the ministry myself. A chaplain was also much less likely to be affected by the bad things that I had associated with the clergy. I decided that it was worth waiving this rule too, at least for the weekend. Rules are made to be broken after all. As long as I was breaking one of them, I might as well break them all. now possible remain possible." -- Michael Bakunin
Chapter 6
Shortly after finding out that John was a chaplain, I was in for another surprise. During one of our phone conversations, he had told me how long he had been married and how old his wife and kids were. I thought that he was in his early forties, but that would have meant that he got married very young. I asked him how old he was and he said, "Forty-five." This was fine because it was about the upper limit of my range.
During our conversation, he said, "Things were much different when I graduated from high school than when you graduated from high school." I said that it was only about seventeen years difference. He gave me this funny look and said, "I think that I graduated before you were born."
John had lied about his age. He is fifty. John likes much younger men, but they are often turned off by the fact that the other person is in his fifties even if they do like older men. Fifty seems to be a demarcation point. Since John can get away with it, he has started lying about his age. I can see his point because I know that I would have been much more leary about this adventure if I had known his age.
But does it really matter? My parents worry about the age difference because they are afraid of me being alone in my old age. But until there is a cure for AIDS, it is possible to be widowed no matter who I get involved with. I liked John enough to travel all the way to Philadelphia from Pittsburgh by bus. Why should a little thing like age make that big a difference in our relationship?
By this time, I had gotten warm and I wanted John to know that the age difference wasn't important so I slipped my hand onto his knee. He smiled and put his hand on top of mine. I don't remember what else we discussed on the way to his house, but I was happy to be here with John.
We finally pulled up to his house. We got out and went into his house. He said, "Welcome to Philadelphia," again and gave me a big hug. The two of us needed to get some sleep. I had been travelling for awhile, so I had to go to the bathroom. When I got done, John had already taken off his pants. He still had his shirt and jockey shorts on, so I still didn't know how hairy his chest was. He went into the bathroom next while I started stripping. When he came out of the bathroom he had removed his shirt to reveal a sea of black hair completely covering his chest. I was in lust. I moved closer so that I could run my fingers through his chest hair and feel it rubbing up against my chest.
We hugged and John said, "Welcome to Philadelphia."
I said, "You already said that."
He said, "Yes, but this is more personal."
I ran my fingers through his chest hair while I told him about asking Steve if he had a hairy chest. I ended by saying, "This [the chest hair] is wonderful." We then hopped into bed and played for an hour and a half before drifting off to sleep.
Chapter 7
I felt much more refreshed when I woke up, but I was still in a slight haze. I snuggled closer to John and could feel him start to get an erection. I started responding to him. What a wonderful way to wake up.
After we had played for awhile John got up to put on the coffee and to get me some juice. We started to get into the shower when I realized that the reason the hair on John's back was so much coarser than the hair on his chest was that John shaved the hair on his back. (I had already determined that he shaved his testicles.) While looking at his back, I noticed a place that he had missed and mentioned this to him. He said that I might as well even out all the spots that he had missed and pulled out his clippers so that I could do so.
I think that this is an awful waste of beautiful hair, but he liked the feeling of shirts on his back when he had his back shaved which is similar to the reason that he shaved (actually clipped) the hair on his testacles. I proceeded to touch up the hair on his back and then we jumped into the shower together.
I had fun soaping him up and then I gave him a big hug so that I could soap myself up. We then rinsed off. There is something about waterlogged fur that I find appealing, so I leaned over and started sucking and nibbling on his tit. He said that if I kept that up, I was going to get him started again. I wasn't ready for another tryst just yet, so I stopped and helped him dry off.
By this time I was ravenously hungry, so we went downstairs to get breakfast. All that he had the makings for were French toast. He went to put on some music to listen to while he was preparing breakfast. He picked up a tape that he had put together of songs that he liked. He meant to put on the lighter side of the tape, but the side that he put on was all the serious stuff.
The first song was a Michael Callen song that he had written about AIDS. It message was basically, "We don't have time, all we have is love." John had put it on the tape because it reminded him of Gene.
John met Gene at a conference held yearly in Maine. Gene lived in Maine. John and Gene fell in love. There was only one small problem: Gene had a brain tumor. They talked about Gene moving to Philadelphia, but Gene wanted to stay in Maine to be near his parents if he ever needed them. If it hadn't been for the brain tumor, John and Gene would have been lovers. That is why this song was so special to John.
From the way that John was talking about it, I knew that this had happened fairly recently. (In any case, it had to have been in the last three and a half years because that is when John came out.) I didn't want to interfere in John's memory, but I wanted to make sure that he was alright. John said that he was fine and started to make breakfast so I decided not to say anything else.
At one time I would have been extremely jealous of the way that John talked about Gene, but now that was not important. I have very strong feelings about most of my ex's and would be upset if someone tried to take those feelings away from me. They are part of who I am. Similarly, I don't want to remove those feelings from John. If I succeeded, John would no longer be the sensitive man that I was so attracted to. That indeed would be a pyrrhic victory.
Chapter 8
After breakfast, John wanted to go shopping for a new turntable. Music is very important to John. It helps him work through his feelings about many things. He does have a few tapes, but the majority of his music is on records, so he wanted to get a new turntable. He asked me if I wanted to stay there, or go with him. I knew that I would be bored silly if I stayed there and I also came to Philadelphia to be with John, so the answer was obvious. We spent most of the afternoon looking at turntables and he finally found one that he liked, but he had to go home and make sure that it would fit into his cabinet before he would buy it.
At the last place, I sat down and started to fall asleep. John and I had planned on going country/western dancing at Raffles that night, so we decided to head home and make dinner and then take a nap so that both of us would be ready for dancing that evening.
First we had to stop by the store to buy stuff for dinner and for breakfast in the morning. After we got back, John started preparing dinner. While he was preparing dinner and also during dinner, we discussed several things that I wanted to know. They all turned out to be related, so I can only remember the details as a whole.
John and his wife were having difficulties in 1984, so Gret decided to drive across the country alone. While in the woods somewhere in Minnesota, she ran across two gay men and became good friends with them. They took her to the regional NOCM conference. She realized that this was exactly what John needed, so she told him about the national conference that summer and told him, "You have to go. It's important."
At the workshops, John began to understand and work through his feelings and came to the realization that he was gay. That night in bed, John told Gret that he was gay. She replied, "I know. Why do you think I brought you here, silly?"
John and Gret decided that they would have an open relationship, which meant that she would be looking at boys and he would be looking at boys. This was fine in theory, but in practice John wasn't ready to start acting on his feelings. This changed in 1986.
John met Doug at one of the previous NOCM conferences. In 1986, the conference was in Atlanta which is where Doug lived. To save on expenses John stayed with Doug and the two of them ended up missing most of the conference because they were in bed together most of the time. John had a great time.
When he got back to Philadelphia, John discovered that Gret had also spent the weekend with someone. This made John terribly jealous. Gret had had enough so she said, "You're never going to do anything as long as I'm here, so I'm leaving." Once Gret was gone, John was much more willing to explore his sexuality.
Ever since the conference in 1986, John and Doug have had a "Same Time Next Year" relationship. They would go to the conference and sleep around as much as they wanted with other people. After the conference, the two of them would spend several days together. John said that they didn't know what was going to happen this year because Doug has gotten a lover since 1986, which didn't stop them the last couple of years. But this year is different because the conference is in Atlanta again this year and Doug's lover will be around.
This hurt me more than John's reminiscence of Gene. I wanted to spend the conference with John because I knew that that would be one of the few times when we could get together. I needed to let him know how I felt. I said, "I don't know if I should say this, but I was hoping that we could spend some time together at the conference."
He thought for a minute as if the thought had never crossed his mind or as if he realized what he had just said to me. He finally said, "It's a possibility."
Chapter 9
John and I had decided to go country/western dancing Friday night, but neither of us had gotten very much sleep Thursday night. We had slept for a couple of hours on Friday morning after I had gotten there, but we were both tired. During dinner, John said that after dinner we should get some rest. I asked him if we were going to get any rest even if we did go to bed. He said that we could play for awhile and then get some rest and still be rested for this evening. This is what we did and doing so I exceeded the number of times I had ever played in one weekend.
I woke up before John did and I knew that if I went back to sleep I would have a headache. This happens if I oversleep. I didn't want to wake up John because I thought that he might need some more sleep and we still had awhile to get ready for dancing. I crawled out of bed as quietly as I could, but it wasn't quiet enough. I woke John up. I got dressed while John was slowly waking up. When I finished, John was ready to get up and take a shower.
I needed something to do while John was taking his shower, so I got out some of the books that I had brought along to read if I got any time and headed downstairs to read. I got to the top of the stairs and decided that I wasn't really in the mood to read and tried to figure out what else I could do. Then I remembered that I had packed my recorder. I hadn't had time to play it in several months and had hoped to find time to play it. I went back to the room and pulled out my recorder and started playing. I thought that John might like to hear, so I stayed in the bedroom instead of going downstairs. When he got done in the bathroom, he said that he really liked my playing.
After he got dressed, we left for Raffles. When we got there, there were several people gathered around the piano on the first floor. The country dance bar was on the second floor, so we headed up there. The dance floor was a bit smaller than I thought that it would be. From what other people said, it was not nearly as crowded as it normally is on Friday nights. This is good in that the dance floor doesn't get as crowded, but there are also fewer people to choose from.
The second dance that they put on was a waltz. I asked John if he wanted to waltz. He said, "OK." I started out leading, but John had been married for twenty-five years and was not used to following, so he tried leading. I don't know what the problem was, but I think that he was trying to do the Texas Two Step to waltz music. Needless to say, that dance did not go very well. Fortunately it ended quickly. I was a bit disappointed. I was hoping that John would be a fantastic dancer and he would have no problems teaching me the steps. This was not the case. I could have asked someone else to dance with me and they would have had to. (There is an unspoken rule that if someone asks you to dance, you have to dance at least one dance with them even if you think that they are a horrible dancer and/or you are not interested in them at all.) I asked one of John's friends to dance "Salty Dog Rag" with me (I knew that John would not know it.) and other than that I danced all the couple dances with John.
I think that country/western dancing would be alot more fun once I got used to it. Just before I moved here from Columbus, they were starting to teach country/western dancing and I got to dance a couple of dances with a guy from LA who had performed country dancing. He was a strong leader, so I was able to pick up a lot of stuff just by following him. Without a strong leader though, I am not familiar enough with it to do well. John was not a strong leader, though he was an acceptable leader.
I kept hoping that someone else would ask me to dance, so that I could dance with someone who was a better leader and thus could teach me better. I found out later, that if people think that you are with someone, they are not likely to ask you to dance. If I move there, I am planning on going more often. If John wants to come, I will try to teach him to dance better. If he doesn't, I will enjoy myself without him.
John and I danced about five dances together. We went down to the piano bar for awhile because Amelia said that she often goes to Raffles. When we got down there, I didn't see anyone who fit her description. We went back upstairs for a little while, but got bored so we decided to leave. I was hungry and wanted to get something to eat. John suggested that we go to "Duck Soup". Some of his friends had said that they were going to be there and it was also close. We walked there, but his friends were not there. We got something to eat and then went home and played some more and then went to sleep.
Chapter 10
After playing for awhile when we woke up, John and I had several things that we needed to do. I had made plans to go visit my brother who had just moved to Philly from Pittsburgh. I also needed to call Amelia to find out where we were going to meet for brunch on Sunday. John had to go pick up his turntable and rearrange things in his cabinet so that everything would fit. That evening we had been invited to a potluck and tree-trimming party. John was supposed to bring a salad.
We decided that John would drop me off at my brother's and then go pick up his turntable and then go home and try to hook it up. This would allow both of us some time alone. I would be in the way while he was working on the stereo and my brother did not want to have John come along with me.
My brother, Jay, is Mormon and he married someone he met at church (Sandy). They have two children: Jessica (5) and Katie (2).
Of all the people in my immediate family, Jay and Sandy are the only ones who have any problems with my orientation. Jay on the whole has been more accepting than Sandy, but I believe that this is at least in part because Jay and I are identical twins and spent much of our time growing up together. Ironically, Jay and Sandy are the ones that I have the most contact with. They used to live in Pittsburgh, so I would go out there on holidays at least long enough to say hello. Recently, they moved to Philadelphia and now I find myself becoming involved with someone in Philadelphia.
Jay and I have basically agreed to disagree on homosexuality although it almost always comes up when I visit. Certainly I am not going to hide what I am doing. If he feels uncomfortable about that, that is his problem. Generally, we can find enough to talk to that the subject does not need to come up. Jay usually gets around to it, though.
Because of recent discussions with a fervent believer on the net, I had come to a realization of some things that related to some of his arguments about homosexuality. One of the foundations of the Mormon church as I understand it is that there is only one person who has the authority of God. They believe that the Catholic church originally had this authority in the person of the Pope, but they somehow lost it in the Middle Ages. They believe that the angel Moroni gave the authority to Joseph Smith and it has been passed down from him to the present day Prophet.
Part of the reason that they think that being gay is a sin is that their Prophet says that it is a sin. They believe in the supreme authority of the Prophet much as modern Catholicism teaches the supreme authority of the Pope.
I realized in my discussions that authority does not come from a person, but from the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit touches all of us and instills us with authority in those places that we are touched. The major problem with many Christian denominations is that they do not acknowledge this popular authority, yet I believe that this is where the true power of Christianity lies.
There are numerous cases of the Mormon church refusing to listen to the popular authority of its members. When I was at my brother's house, he was leafing through a book catalogue put out by some organization related to the Mormon church. He was surprised that they had listed one of the books. The book was written by a Native American who was excommunicated from the Mormon church because he was saying that they needed to do more for the Native Americans. He was questioning the supreme authority of the Prophet. I said that I agreed with this guy and my brother told me that that is why I would be excommunicated if I were a member of the Mormon church.
Later, Jay asked me if John was wondering why I would stay with him rather than stay with my own brother. I told my brother that staying with John was the whole reason for the trip. He mentioned that he thought it was to look at colleges and I conceded that that was part of the reason, but the major reason was to visit John.
The highlight of my visit was seeing my nieces again. I bought the older one a book of stencils and showed her how to use them. The younger one I bought a book with pictures of baby animals. She really enjoyed the book and had me read it to her about three times in a row.
An awkward moment came when Sandy and Jessica got back from the store. I know that Jay and Sandy are trying to raise their kids as best they can. Part of this is teaching them that what I am doing is a sin. Do I really have the right to contradict them? The fear that I will is one of the reasons that Sandy does not really like me. Yet I will not hide what I am either. If they choose to teach their kids that I am sinning, that is their right. The most that I can do is respect myself and hope that the kids will start to question what their parents are saying.
When Jessica got back from the store, she wanted to know if I would ever get married. I plan on getting married if I ever find the right man. I knew that Sandy would kill me if I told Jessica this, so I told her that I would if I ever found the right person. She then asked me, "If you get married, are you going to name her `Becky'." The first thought that occurred to me was that, "No, he's going to be named `John'", but I knew that would really upset Sandy. Instead, I decided to correct her mistaken notion that I would get to name my spouse. I told her that if I ever got married, then they would already have a name and I wouldn't be able to give them a new one. Sandy seemed to like the answers that I had given. If I do eventually get married and she asks similar questions, I am not going to hide the information. I refuse to lie just to protect my brother's children from something that they are going to have to face eventually.
The most distressing thing about this incident is what made her think that a man would be able to name his wife. It seems that she believes that women are only property that belong to their husbands. I hope that she isn't learning these sort of things in church, although I could understand such a view coming out of such a patriarchal setting.
I decided that I had better be getting back to John's so that we could get ready for the party. John had said that he was going to be home after he had picked up his turntable, so I was surprised to see a note on the door when I got back. My brother agreed to wait until John got back so that I wouldn't have to wait in the cold. John arrived a couple of minutes later and I got out and my brother took off.
Chapter 11
John had been having a lot of problems with the turntable. When he got to the store, the salesperson told him that they had sold the turntable that he had been looking at but that they would give him the newer model at the same price. They had to put a cartridge in, so John went home to rearrange everything so that it would fit into his cabinet.
John was using an old cabinet for his stereo system. The cabinet was not designed for this purpose. In particular, it was not deep enough for a turntable or his tape deck, so he had cut out part of the back so that he could put them in and still close the door. The new turntable that he was buying was wider than his old one so he couldn't fit his tape deck and turntable on the same shelf. This meant rearranging things so that everything could fit which might also mean doing some additional cutting.
After he had finished rearranging things, he went out to pick up his turntable. That is where he was when I got back from my brother's. I carried in the turntable so that he would have his hands free to open the door. He wanted to get the stereo hooked up to see if it would work. We still had quite a bit of time left before we had to be at the party, so I didn't think it would matter.
When he got the turntable out, he found out that it was not the same size that the salesman had said that it would be. It would have fit into John's cabinet without him having to rearrange everything. He was getting pretty upset with the salesman because he thought that he was trying to rip him off. John decided that he would connect up the turntable anyhow.
When he had finally turned it on, he wasn't getting any sound out of the system. He was about to get upset when he realized that he had left the pre-amp on tape instead of switching it over to phono. When he switched it to phono, though, he was only getting sound out of one of the speakers. Both of the speakers were working for the tape deck, so he figured that the problem must be in the turntable.
By this time John was really upset and I wanted to do something to help him. The only thing I could think of to do was to let him know that I was there if he needed me, so I put my hand on his back. John said, "I'm really upset and your touching me isn't helping." I knew that he didn't intend to be mean to me, but I didn't know what else I could do. I thought that he might want to be alone, so I decided to go upstairs. I didn't want him to think that I was just running away, so I gave him an excuse, "I'm going to take this stuff upstairs..."
I was about to head upstairs and was trying to figure out what I would do once I got up there when I noticed what was among my stuff. My recorder was there. John was upset because he wanted to listen to music and he couldn't. He had said that he liked my playing yesterday and I knew that playing helped me to relax. The phrase, "Music soothes the savage b[r]east," also popped into my head. "... unless you want me to play some," I said. I would let him decide.
"Yeah, that would be nice."
I played until John got done playing with his stereo. He finally figured out that the problem was not in the turntable, but was in the input to the pre-amp. Apparently, there was a loose wire for the turntable input. Once John had figured out that the problem was not in the turntable he felt alot better because he no longer felt as if the salesman had purposely misled him.
Later that night, we were talking about this incident. John was saying that I had seen him at his worst. He really appreciated the fact that I had stayed with him and played my recorder for him. "That was a real gift," he said. This touched me so much that a tear rolled down my cheek. I had so wanted to help him and had been given the opportunity to do so in the only way that he would accept my help. Now I know why I had felt the need to pack my recorder and why it was so important that John be able to hear me play the previous day.
Chapter 12
As we headed out to the party, I wasn't sure what to expect. I wouldn't know anyone there except for John. John had said that in past years the only people that he had known were the hosts. I tend to be very shy around people I don't know and it gets worse as the number of people increases.
Because John had spent so much time fiddling with his stereo, I expected us to be late for the party. We were scheduled to be there at 7:30 and didn't get there until almost 8:00. We got inside and the hosts both greeted us. One of them had a short beard and he hugged both of us and gave each of us a peck. The other one was a bit shorter and only had a moustache. He was more reserved and we only shook hands.
As we were in the bedroom putting our coats on the bed an extremely attractive man walked out of the bathroom. He reminds me of one of my best friends, Jeff from Cincinnati (who Carl, Amanda, and Mara met at the Quilt). There were also some charateristics that reminded me of Arnold Zwicky. "Everywhere I look there are men with beards. Isn't it great?" he said. v"Yes, it is," I replied.
They had not started dinner yet, but there were munchies set out. John had had some soup while I was visiting my brother, so he was not hungry when we got there. I, however, had not had anything since our late breakfast. I was pretty hungry, so I quickly headed over there. While we were munching, Terry, the really attractive guy, came over and started talking to us. I thought that Terry might be trying to pick me up, so I was a bit nervous when John wandered off while I was still talking to Terry. If I hadn't been there with John, I would have gladly chased after Terry. As it was, I didn't want to hurt John's feelings and I was still enjoying being with John. I figured that a brief fling with Terry (He had a lover, who, I found out later, was also at the party.) was not worth destroying my developing relationship with John.
The hosts brought out the ornaments for the tree. Terry had come down from New York City just for this party. Since his lover is Jewish, they don't have a tree and he misses trimming the tree. Every year they travel to Philadelphia for this party just so that Terry can help trim the tree. The two of us went over to help trim the tree. I helped a little, but I wanted to find John because I thought that he might be upset about me spending so much time with Terry.
While I was searching for him, I saw someone who had been dancing at Raffles the night before. If I ever got the chance to talk with him, I at least had something that I could talk about. First, I wanted to find John.
I found John in the kitchen talking to another bearded man. He was just a bit heavier than I normally like, but other than that he was attractive. I went over to join them. John was telling Bill a story about his parents. John's parents go to the same church that the hosts of the party go to. Bill's lover is also rector of the church. Because John works with AIDS patients, they started talking about homosexuality and John asked them if they thought that there were any homosexuals in their church.
His parents thought about it and decided that there was this one man who had alot of the characteristics of gay men and that he might be gay. Then John's mother said, "You know, he lives with the rector." Almost before she could finish the sentence, John's father had changed the subject.
Shortly after I joined them, John wandered off and left me talking to Bill and his lover who had wondered over. I was a bit upset with this. I thought that John did not want to appear to be together because he might want to score with someone after I had gone back to Pittsburgh. Looking back now, I think it was because the rector had come over. John told me later that the rector is a lush and John won't invite him to any of his parties for that reason even though the rector and his lover invite John to most of their parties. It is also possible that John did not want to feel that he had to keep me entertained the whole evening.
Whatever his reasons, I thought I would have to keep some distance from John. I decided that I might as well make the most of it and talk to all the attractive men. John had left me with Bill and the rector, so I kept talking to them. The rector was very affectionate, which I appreciated. I needed an ego boost just then.
After this, I wandered back into the dining room and saw John talking to the only woman who was present. I went over and stood next to John. I had just gotten there when I saw Terry wander downstairs. I thought that this might be a good time to find time alone with Terry to tell him how attractive I found him, even if it wouldn't amount to anything.
I asked John if there was something downstairs. He didn't know. I told him that I was going to investigate. I got down there and found five men sitting around down there. Terry and another attractive man were sitting on a loveseat. The other guy only had a moustache, but he was still attractive. On the couch facing them were two unappealing men and one guy who was absolutely gorgeous. He had short black hair and a very nice, black beard. He was also flagging red, right which intimidated me. I wanted to sit down somewhere, but all the seats were taken and I wasn't forward enough to sit down between Terry and the other guy.
I quickly determined that the gorgeous guy was the lover of the one sitting next to Terry. I stayed down there awhile listening to the banter. The way the moustachioed guy talked reminded me of Harold (Leonard Frey) in "Boys in the Band." Terry went back upstairs and I took that opportunity to steal his seat. Shortly after this, John came downstairs to check out things, but it was cold down there, so he quickly went back upstairs. I started getting cold, too, so I followed after a few minutes. Besides, all the cute men had gone upstairs, so there was nothing left worth watching.
When I got upstairs, they were just starting to serve dinner. I got into line and then found a place right next to the fire so that I could warm up while I ate. I was hoping that John would come join me, but by the time he got through the line all the seats were taken and he didn't want to sit on the floor. All of the food was great. It was well worth the wait.
While I was eating, the guy I had seen dancing asked the gorgeous guy and his lover if they were going to go dancing tonight. I immediately recognised the moustached guy from the night before when he said this. I hadn't recognised him earlier because on Friday he had been wearing a large cowboy hat which had changed his appearance enough that I didn't remember him.
After I finished eating, I went over to John to see what he wanted to do. He said that he was getting tired and wanted to go home soon. I heard the hosts saying something about dessert, so I said that we had to stay at least long enough to get dessert.
While we were waiting for dessert, the moustachioed guy came over and started talking to us. I mentioned that I had seen him last night at Raffles and we talked to him a little about dancing. He asked if we were going to go dancing after the party. John said that he wasn't, but that I could if I wanted to. I said, "And how am I supposed to get home?"
I immediately realised that I had called John's place home. I don't know if John caught that, but I thought that in many ways it did feel like home to me. I felt more comfortable there than I had felt in almost any other place. It was very much like home.
They started bringing out the desserts and I went over to drool over them. One of the desserts was a raspberry torte. I didn't have much room left, but I had to have a slice of that. I didn't want to be the first one to have dessert, so John and I just stood there eyeing them and hoping that someone else would make the first move. The guy that I first recognised from dancing came up behind us and said, "First in line, again," to me. At this, John and I moved out of the way so that he could get in to the desserts. I mentioned that I was eyeing the raspberry torte and he agreed that it looked good and started cutting it up and gave a piece to me and John before taking one for himself.
I had wanted to talk to him about dancing and he had given me a perfect excuse to start a conversation. John and I talked to him for awhile about various things. We talked alot about dancing.
After dessert, everybody started leaving. The gorgeous guy and his moustached lover put on cowboy hats and the one guy looked alot more familiar that way. I thought that they both looked very attractive in their cowboy hats. John decided that it was time to go, so we put on our coats, said our thank you's, and left.
As we got onto the entrance ramp to the highway, there was a car stopped off to the side. I saw a cowboy hat and said, "Those were those two guys from the party." John pulled over and we went back to check on them. They had a flat tire and were busy changing it. There wasn't anything we could do, so we left.
John wanted to know what I thought of the party. I had enjoyed it much more than I thought I would. I said that the people were fairly friendly. He agreed that they were, but said that most of them were extremely introverted. He thought that people had sat around by themselves not because there were personality conflicts, but because the people were too afraid to talk to anyone.
I mentioned that I thought that Terry had been trying to pick me up. John replied that quite a few of the guys had been paying alot of attention to me. I still don't know what to make of this comment. I think he might have been jealous, although I have heard that there are people who like the fact that others find their dates/lovers attractive. Some day I may ask him what he meant.
We finally got home and played some before going to sleep. We had to get up in time to meet Amelia for brunch and we both needed our sleep.
Chapter 13
We played for awhile after we woke up and then we started getting ready to meet Amelia and her lover, `Brenda'. All the other Philly motsser had to cancel. We had agreed to meet at Key West, one of the gay bars that has a Sunday brunch. We were running just on schedule, but I wanted to get there fairly quickly so that I could look for Amelia. I had some idea of what she looked like, but had forgotten to give her my description.
John found a place to park that was fairly close to the bar, but we weren't sure if it was legal or not. We decided to take the chance that it was. I was standing outside the car when I noticed what appeared to be another car waiting to get into the spot that we were in. I assumed that they thought we were just pulling out instead of just pulling in. I silently urged John to hurry up so that they could go off to look for another space. It was only later that I realized that one of them fit Amelia's description.
When we got to the bar, there were no women there. John was a little worried that he might get a ticket, so he decided to go move his car to a legal space while I waited for Amelia and `Brenda' to show up. A few minutes later, the women I had seen waiting for our parking space walked in the door. I knew that they had to be the other motssers. Just to be sure, I walked up and said, "Would you happen to be Amelia?"
"Yeah, you must be John," came the reply. "I'm glad you recognized us because we didn't have your description. Where's John?"
I told them that he had gone out to repark the car. We checked our coats and then went over to the bar to sign up for a table and to get drinks. A couple of minutes later, John arrived and said that he had seen Amelia and `Brenda' on his way back to the car and had this hunch that they were who we were supposed to be meeting. I thought about, but decided against, saying that I had had a similar hunch earlier.
John and I are both very intuitive. We know things without being sure how we know them. When I met John, I immediately felt very close to him. I had a similar relationship with my friend Jeff from Cincinnati. Jeff became my best friend and we would have been lovers if he had not already had one. I knew that the relationship between me and John would be similar. What I didn't know was if we would just be very close friends or if we would be lovers.
I didn't want to point out the similarities between the two of us. I thought that John might be more leary of getting involved if he knew how similar we were.
The Sunday brunch at Key West is very good. They have a person who makes omelets to order and then they have all sorts of other breakfast and lunch items available. We all ate well.
During brunch, I got to see what Amelia was like in person. She is a very outgoing person who seems very sure of herself. She is one of those people who will attract attention to themselves just by their mere presence. She describes herself as fat, but I disagree with that assessment. Certainly, she is large, but she carries it well. She seems to be enjoying life to the limit.
`Brenda' appears much quieter in comparison. She struck me as being petite. I wouldn't be surprised if she is a prankster. She gave me the impression of being a lovable imp, someone you couldn't stay mad at no matter what she did.
I often find it difficult to converse with people that I don't know very well. I didn't think that this would be a problem at brunch, but I left most of the talking to the others. After brunch, we went to one of the other bars and I started warming up then.
After a couple of drinks at Uncle's, we walked over to Giovanni's Room. This is a feminist and gay/lesbian bookstore. One of my friends had asked me to pick up some stuff for him and I wanted to pick up the Fall RFD because one of my friends had a short story published in it.
Giovanni's Room is a wonderful bookstore. If you ever get to Philadelphia, I recommend going there.
After we had finished browsing and had bought all the books that we wanted, we said our goodbyes and John and I headed home to figure out what we would do that evening. I wanted to go to MCC, but John had been invited to some parties that he felt he should try to get to.
John said that he had really enjoyed meeting Amelia and `Brenda'. He wanted to know if he could have their address so that he could invite them to any parties he might be throwing.
Chapter 14
While I was in Philadelphia, I wanted to go to MCC. I wanted to get a look at what the congregation there was like since I would be going there if I moved to Philadelphia. John had been invited to a party, but he wanted to spend the evening with me and he wasn't allowed to bring a guest. We decided to go to MCC together.
Just before we left, John's wife called and asked if she and her boyfriend could come over and watch movies on John's VCR. John told her, "Yes", since we would be out.
John started thinking about what to cook for dinner when I reminded him that I wanted to get a real Philly cheesesteak. One of my friends had told me that I had to do this while I was in Philadelphia which is why I so closely followed "The Great Philly Cheesesteak Debate" on motss earlier in the year. I wasn't surprised when we ended up at Jim's.
I asked John what type of cheese he thought belonged on a real(tm) Philly Cheesesteak.
He answered, "CheezWhiz."
I much prefer provolone, so I offered, "Amelia says that they have provolone on them."
"Well, Amelia is WRONG," he vehemently replied. "This is middle-class wop food. None of that fancy shit. They're made from greasy Minute Steaks and they have CheezWhiz on them. My wife is Italian and she used to make them. I don't normally like to say that someone is wrong, but, in this case, Amelia is wrong. She might say that she prefers them with provolone, but you said you wanted a real(tm) Philly cheesesteak and a real one has CheezWhiz on it so you're getting one with CheezWhiz on it."
How could I argue with that. I got one with CheezWhiz on it. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be.
After dinner, we drove to MCC. John knew some people who were there from a group that he sings with. We spent most of the time before church talking to John's friend, so I didn't get to meet as many people as I would have liked to. After church I got to meet a few more. There was one in particular who was very attractive. He sang a solo during the anthem. After church, I told him how much I had enjoyed his solo. I felt a little guilty because I was there with John, but I was mildly flirting with this other guy.
On the way home, I asked, "Do you think that G. and Y. will still be there when we get back?"
"Why do you ask?"
Y. is from Russia and I speak some Russian, so I was hoping to talk to him in Russian. I said, "I would kind of like to meet Y."
John was relieved because alot of people have trouble coping with John's being married. Meeting G. forces them to deal with that.
They were still there watching a Russian movie. I wanted to go up and watch with them, but John didn't think that would be a good idea. The two of us stayed downstairs reading until G. and Y. finished their movie.
When they came downstairs, the first thing I noticed was the large age difference. For some reason, a large age difference between two gay men doesn't bother me, but a large difference between a man and a woman does. G. is fifty years old and Y. is twenty-five. Not that much difference from John's being fifty and my being twenty-eight.
When they came downstairs, John introduced me to both of them. I gave G. a big hug. I didn't get to talk to either of them in Russian though. John had told me earlier that G. played the recorder. She saw mine laying on the table. She asked me to play something, but I told her that I didn't know it (I mostly know folk songs and dances). I decided to play Beskido'w which I had learned to perform with Lajkonik Polish Folk Dancers at the Lancaster (OH) Festival. I was almost as nervous as the time I performed it at the festival.
G. and Y. couldn't stay around because Y. had to go to work that evening, so they left fairly quickly.
Chapter 15
After G. and Y. left, John and I went upstairs. He had borrowed a tape he wanted to watch from one of his friends. John sings with one of the gay choruses in Philadelphia and the tape was of their performance at GALA III in Seattle. John wasn't able to go, but he wanted to see the tape anyhow. We watched the performance. I really enjoyed the one called, "What If the Founding Fathers Were Queer?" It was written by one of the members of their chorus.
When we finished the tape, we turned out the lights and started cuddling. I knew that this was probably going to be the last time that we would be able to play before I left, so I started crying.
"Please, don't cry," John said. "I'm a nurturer and I want to take away people's pain."
This shocked me out of my sadness and I tried to explain that I was crying from a mixture of joy and sadness and talked about how you couldn't know one without experiencing the other. I also tried to explain how much I valued being able to cry and what it meant to me.
When I had settled down, we started playing. Things ended much more quickly than either of us would have liked. John came prematurely.
As soon as we had finished, John jumped out of bed and turned on the news. He then crawled back into bed and lay on his side facing away from me. This was very unusual from what I knew of John, so I asked, "Is something wrong?"
"No, the same thing happened when [the guy from Maine] left."
I wasn't terribly thrilled with John's reaction, but I could
understand how he might withdraw in order to prevent himself
from being hurt when I left, although I expected it more the
next morning than I did that night. At least, he had compared me
to
John stayed curled up in a fetal position until the sports came
on and uncurled long enough to watch the sports and then turn
off the television. He went right back into the fetal position
facing away from me when he got back into bed. I wanted to be
next to him, so I started out the night sleeping in a spoon
position with him, but ended up moving away from him because I
felt like he was trying to shut me out.
I woke up the next morning lying with my back towards John. I
could sense John feeling around behind himself to find me. I was
both pleased that he was looking for me and upset that he wasn't
being more active about it by turning around. I needed some
affection, so I moved over next to him into the spoon position
as quickly as I could. I started to rub the fur on his chest,
but there was something in the way. I quickly realized it was a
t-shirt.
"You put a t-shirt on!?"
"I got cold last night."
Instead of cuddling up next to me when he got cold, he had
gotten out of bed and put a t-shirt on. Yet, he had been looking
for me.
After he had gotten out of the shower and was dressing, I went
over and gave him a kiss and rubbed his chest fur as usual. John
said, "At least you're consistent."
"What? Am I supposed to ignore you just because I'm leaving
today?" I asked with a hint of bitterness in my voice. I was
still slightly upset by how he had treated me that morning, but
I realised that it had been mostly to protect himself.
After we had both gotten dressed, John drove me to the bus
station inadvertently giving me a tour of some of the worst
sections of town on the way. When he dropped me off at the bus
station, he leaned over to give me a farewell kiss. I was really
pleased that he did this especially because I thought that he
wouldn't want to kiss me in such a public place.
I was finally on my way home after a wonderful weekend.
The Nurturer
You asked me
I asked you
Joy is made
-- 11 May 1990
by John Allen
To stop crying
Because
You're a nurturer
And you want
To take away
My pain.
To let me cry
Because
I'm a nurturer
and I want
You to embrace
Your pain
Which you want me
To take away
From you.
Brilliant
By the darkness
Of sorrow.
