Greg Parkinson writes: Perhaps I'm a bit testy because of Rob's death -- it's a little too close to home right now.
As Steve observes, this is a pretty reasonable thing to expect.
I felt very vulnerable right after my mother's death, but in a few days I had gained quite a bit of closure and didn't get too upset unless I was recounting her final couple days on the phone to this or that friend.
But in Rob's case, acceptance (if that's really the word for it) has been much slower in coming. I just feel blue a lot, lost in thought, on the verge of tears or actually crying, and not always for Rob himself -- though that's certainly enough -- but for the sorry state of so many things.
It's as though my feelings about Rob's dying were the catalyst for all kinds of other feelings about shitty things in this world, and it's this last that I find relates especially to what you say here, Greg.
Greg: Perhaps I'm disappointed that someone would commemorate Rob's death by being nasty to someone else looking for help in dealing with it. That's a new feeling for me here, and I don't care for it.
I don't disagree at all, but you know, some people have to work out their own things in any way they can, and testiness can exist without malice, or at least without intentional malice. People surely do differ over quite a wide range in their responses to stresses in their lives.
When I find out that someone is in trouble, I reach out to them (nearly always) in an effort to soothe the hurt if I can.
When I'm in trouble myself, my most common response is to clam up and withdraw into my own shell, shutting the world out.
Still another strategy might be to fume and fuss innerly to such a degree that no matter how nice a person is to you, no matter what external circumstances (fortunate or unfortunate) present themselves, the only somehow fitting response is to lash out, to be ironic or bitter (even if you aren't usually) or hostile in some way. In a sense this is not so different from dumping more on your friends than on your enemies when you're a mess from being overwhelmed.
In those cases, you expect your friends to understand where you're
coming from and to overlook your excesses, to forgive you for being
abarasive or brittle or whatever; in my own lexicon, that's a big
part of what friendship is.
