I originally sent a slightly different version of the material below to Arne in email. I decided to expand on it a little and post it as well.
The idea that people might become like family through email is something that I would never have thought of if I hadn't seen it happening. It's natural, in a way - we spend a lot of time together, even though it's not in person.
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I saw Rob once a quarter or so. We traded email, usually disagreeing about something, more often. I spent last Christmas at his house, with some other people. He had me and a few other people over for barbequed ribs a few months ago. We weren't close enough to be called good friends, but we were more than just casual acquaintances.
Rob is not the first person I have known who died of AIDS (nor is he likely to be the last), but the experience with him was different that with the others. I've seen people die after long drawn-out illnesses where everyone had time to get used to the idea of death, and even to welcome it. Others died without my knowing they had deteriorated.
When I went to see Perry George (former SFGMC member) in the hospital, it was like a party. Yes, he was sick, but he was joking and carrying on. When he died, it was sudden. I had talked to him on the phone the day before. He tired easily, but he didn't seem to be on the verge of death. I didn't see him in extremis.
When my ex-boyfriend Bruce became ill, he pushed everyone away. He didn't want anyone to see him sick. I knew he was going to die, and I had time to get used to it. We had broken up several years previously, but I expected to have him around, in some way, for the rest of my life. I still miss him.
When I saw Rob, he was in bad shape. He was in intensive care with all kinds of tubes and wires hooked up. He was on a respirator, which occasionally made really dreadful noises. I couldn't tell whether he even knew I was there. That was the first time I've been present at the deathbed. It wasn't pleasant.
I ran into someone I know on the street today. His lover had died in April, and a very close friend had died in May. He said that he still catches himself saying "I can't wait to tell Mike about this -- he'll think it's really funny." But Mike's not there anymore.
I don't know what I'm trying to say. I'm upset. This isn't fair. It was Rob's first opportunistic infection, not that it would have been more fair if he had died after his 4th or 5th.
Who do I blame? People like Ronald Reagan and George Bush and Pete
Wilson, who ignored a health crisis because it affected gay men
and drug users. They wouldn't care if we all died, so they didn't
push, or even allow, research, education, or known effective
treatments. I can't wish anything worse for them than that they
get what they deserve for their callous treatment of their fellow
humans. They are monsters (not that it takes the AIDS crisis to
prove that -- they have shown their disregard for anyone who isn't
a well-to-do white male in dozens of ways).
