jack hamilton's posting said several things that resonated with me...
the suddenness of rob's falling away from us. i told a friend here last week about how crazy i was over this, and she said, yes, it's like having a good friend in a plane crash (something that had in fact happened to her last year).
having my younger brothers die will never seem natural to me, but most of the time there is a progression, not a catastrophe, so that there is time to say settle last things, to say goodbye (as i did with john martin a year ago; we hugged and kissed and both knew we would never see one another again). i really did expect to see rob again in january (his 40th birthday party in concord early in march was for jacques and me a brief and delightful respite from a winter quarter in which we were immersed in death, starting with john martin's, and we looked forward to being with rob again and catching some echoes of that moment).
the anger, which boils up at the end of jack's posting. rage at the people who let things get to this state. and for me, anger at rob for leaving us, and guilt at that anger. (you always feel this way when someone you love dies. but it's a horrible set of emotions.)
the thoughts that you will see and talk to him again. this, too, is perfectly ordinary. i keep finding that i want to call my dad to ask his advice on how to manage his estate; he was always my best adviser in money matters. i kept expecting to see john martin in palo alto this winter, and several times thought i'd caught sight of him. i recently made a new woman friend, a vet, a horsewoman, with this great wry sense of humor and this marvelous take on life, and i thought, "ann will really like catherine" -- but ann's been dead for seven years now.
and now i expect to have rob breaking in on these discussions of masculinity and so on, and i want to write and ask about his reactions to what i've posted.
i've said this before here, but after ann died i did talk to her -- at first out loud (when i was safely alone, of course), and then (and now) just in my head. i tell her about events in my life and my worries about matters large and small. this is comforting. and of course sometimes i write a letter to ann but send it to jacques or ann's best female friend, in denver, or someone else who knows us both; for them, it's just a letter to them, but i know it's also to ann, because it takes her sensibilities and cast of mind into account.
i have no doubt that soon i will be writing to rob, but posting the letter to you all. this is a nice thought.
arnold (not crying any more)
