I thought you would like some of my impressions of today's funeral for Rob. Chuck, if you like, you are most welcome to forward this message to people on your mailing list for Rob.
(My boyfriend) David and I went to the funeral this morning at Temple Emanuel in New Hyde Park, NY. It was a small synogogue. We first paid our respects to Claire and Rob's mother. By the way, Rob got his eyes from his mother; not the color, but they're definitely the same eyes.
Rob's mother was very calm but sad throughout the occasion. She was fairly weak, but apparantly well on the way to recovery. I felt most badly for her. Claire's husband David was also there, and also very upset by the proceedings.
The funeral was quite crowded with family and friends. Of the family, I only know that Mrs. Bernardo, Claire, David, and a cousin of Rob's father's were there. There were a lot of friends of the family's.
I don't know if a lot of motssketeers were there. David and I sat towards the front, in fact directly behind the Bernardo family, so I didn't see too many people there. The only one I knew was Lance Paavola, and only because he rose to speak.
Rob's family was Sephardic, and David (who is Jewish) later told me that a lot of the customs of the funeral and internment were not standard Jewish fare. I liked the funeral service and internment quite a lot -- and I believe Rob would have liked it, too.
There was a short 10 minute sequence of prayers, in Hebrew with English translation. I only recognized the 23rd Psalm (not bad for an errant Episcopalian). This was followed by a eulogy by the rabbi centering on several items:
sympathy to Rob's mother in the loss of a child,
Rob's biography (emphasizing how he did what he wanted in life),
particularly the country western lifestyle he embraced,
his battle with HIV, and
the relationships he developed through electronic mail.
David and I were most pleased by the frank and open discussion of Rob's sexual orientation and battle with HIV. Like Rob always did, the speakers referred to his illness as HIV and not as AIDS.
Lance Paavola, Rob's longtime friend from Cornell days, spoke glowingly about the e-mail relationships. He quoted from 4-5 of the eulogies posted to soc.motss since Rob died, including Jess Anderson's, Howard Solomon's, Chuck Fisher's, and mine.
He read the entire 22 steps to becoming a gentleman farmer which Rob had written to Howard Solomon. Oh, and what do you suppose Rob meant in the hospital when he wrote "What is the plural of plural?"
His father's cousin, a linguist, then spoke about the capacity of Rob's intellect. As a 16 year old (and I remember him once telling me) he designed a language with grammar and semantics, which apparantly amazed this guy, enough to speak of it today.
The funeral was 35-40 minutes and was followed by a long drive (75 minutes) to Paramus, New Jersey for the internment. Since I was coming to N.J. to return to work this afternoon, David and I went to the burial. Only a few people went besides Rob's family -- 3 married couples, Lance Paavola, and David and me. That was very short, 5 minutes of prayers followed by a symbolic shoveling of dirt onto the coffin in the ground.
At first only Claire shoveled dirt onto the coffin, and she went at it for quite a while. Then her mother did the same (only 1 or 2 times), and her husband David. The rabbi encouraged the rest of us to join, saying that it was considered a "high honor" to shovel dirt onto the coffin. So several of us did.
And that was that! We all got back into our cars and dispersed.
The weather was simply awful -- drizzly and cool. Fortunately,
it wasn't raining hard enough to make it inconvenient, but it was
not a pretty day for an outdoor activity. Rob would've hated the
weather.
