I've been characteristically silent on this ever since I posted the fact that Rob had died. I've lost a number of friends to HIV-related causes, but Rob's passing has affected me more profoundly than any of the others.
I think I knew Rob better than most people. We were SO's for about two years, and we lived together for better than half that time. Like Jim Graham, I too expected to see him in late July when I was visiting San Francisco for their Gay Rodeo. He was conspicuously absent, and when I returned to Colorado the next day I got a call from my friend Chuck Fisher saying that Rob had gotten sick the previous Thursday.
At the time I didn't think too much of this, as I assumed that Rob would recover. It was the first time he'd been ill, and most of my previous experiences with people and HIV led me to believe that people often recovered from their initial illnesses. Chuck's ensuing reports made me doubt that more and more, and so I made plans to go back and visit Rob. Unfortunately, Rob passed the day before I arrived.
This past Saturday I went to Rob's house. It was an amazingly painful thing for me -- so much of the place has Rob written all over it. I kept expecting to see him walk up from the corral or out of the garden, but I knew that wouldn't happen. I walked down to the barn to visit with Oriana, who appeared more than just a little lonely. For her sake I walked her out into the corral and lunged her a bit, as I'm sure she needed the exercise. And I thought back to all of the times that Rob and I performed those exercises together. I lost my urge to take Oriana for a ride in the hills behind the house -- my visit was becoming much too painful. Oriana was one of the true loves and joys of Rob's life, and it just wasn't the same without him there.
After returning Oriana to the barn one of our former neighbors recognized me and came over to talk. LB is an older gentleman, perhaps in his late 60's or early 70's. He was always nice to me when I lived there, and he expressed his great sadness that Rob had been taken at such an early age. We talked for about half an hour, but just before he went back to his chores he told me that he was angry, and that it was about time someone did something about AIDS. I don't think he ever expected to have his life touched by this disease, but like the rest of us whose lives have been and still are affected by this, he was angry. Can there really be any other response?
The next morning I went to visit Chuck, who told me all the details of Rob's care and his rapid decline. I hope I never have to hear another story like that; it was by far the most heartbreaking thing I had ever heard. Hearing the story over the phone and through e-mail didn't prepare me to hear it firsthand. Having been in the same position Chuck was in for another friend didn't prepare me either. It was impossible for me to have my usual emotional detachment where he was concerned.
My relationship with Rob has broadened me in so many ways. He introduced me to a number of his personal passions, some of which I've incorporated into my own life since we went our separate ways. I don't think Rob ever understood the degree and depth of my feelings for him. We talked about this a few times as I was planning to leave California. I think he realized then that I still loved him, and that it would be very difficult for me to get over that. It still is, and he will always have a special place in my heart.
I want to thank everyone who has posted a rememberance of Rob here. Each of them has gone a little way towards easing the grief I feel at his passing. I especially want to thank Jess Anderson, Chuck Fisher, Steve Dyer, and Jim Graham, as they all went, I feel, above and beyond the call of duty. I especially appreciated their personal letters of support.
If you know someone who is affected by HIV, please, don't wait to tell them how much you love and care for them. There is nothing worse than being a day late, as I was.
Finally, I will be dedicating one of the trophy buckles at the upcoming New Mexico gay rodeo to Rob. Jim was right -- in my mind, the sport of gay rodeo and Rob are synonymous. He's the one who introduced me to the sport, and I'd like to see the sport recognize him, if only for one day and in the record books. And in response to the person who asked if we'd ever hear from Oriana again on the net -- yes, you probably will.
Goodbye, Rob. I still miss you, and I'll always love you.
