Quotations From Soc.Motss Postings

Participants in the discussion group soc.motss– motssers — trade insults and other quips fairly often. Common targets are ignoramuses who wander into our midst and think they have wisdom to share. More often we skewer each other, for it is a fractious and contentious lot.
Sometimes, the remarks are less about wit than about prejudices, human foibles, or just philosophies of life. Whatever the thrust, here are several hundred quotations from postings to soc.motss.

Aberson, Sim
[On abuse:] The telling also gives one a sense of freedom
from the abuser, gets the story out in the open. One can be
who they are without fearing their abusers. In the same way
that coming out as queers can be a political statement,
coming out as survivors can also. It *usually* gives the
survivor a sense of empowerment. That still leaves the
quandry of what is “liberating” and what is just “airing
dirty laundry.”
(Sim Aberson) 
Anger can be destructive or constructive. So many positive
things can come of our anger. Do something about it. Help
organize gay and lesbian youth groups in your area. Get
involved in the gay struggle (I assume you do not do these
things, but everyone knows what assuming does). Be angry, but
put that anger to good use.
(Sim Aberson) 
One can only guess that her real life lacks sufficient prey
for her to sharpen her fangs on. Pitty.
(Mike Golobay) 
Gett a liffe.
(Sim Aberson) 
ObCuteYoungStudlyThings: Do you think I might be able to
wrangle some time alone with Stephen Dorff and Carlos Lopez,
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Not in the forseeable future. Carlos is still spending his
time not trying to get out of my locked guest bedroom.
(Sim Aberson) 
So, I learn a new term — macroburst, which is defined as a
downburst on the misoscale.
(Sim Aberson) 
Is that like one of those thunderstorms with embedded tofu we
keep hearing about?
(Lee Rudolph) 
Yes. They’re the main source of soyl moisture.
(Sim Aberson) 
Michael Thomas is … a great big fluffy happy plush toy whom
everyone wants to hold and squeeze and call George.
(Sim Aberson) 
I’m talking about protecting the Iraqi people and others from
a savage dictator and his son.
(David Kaye) 
Daddy Bush was actually elected and held a free election
toward the end of his term, so I don’t see calling him a
(Sim Aberson) 

Aceves, Richard
I used to catch Star Trek once in a while in France. The best
dubbed episode was with the Gorn: the butch, lizard-y thing
with cubic zirconias for eyes. He ended up sounding like one
of many Parisian cafe workers who would shout out “grande
creme” or whatever to the person tending bar. Perhaps the
Gorn smoked Gitanes?
(Richard Aceves) 
We’re thinking of having a bi-party at our place in about two
weeks. It will be drug-free, alcohol-free, etc.
(Tom Limoncelli) 
“Etc.?” Food-free? Dust-free? Republican-free? What is this,
a get-together or an advertisement for moral Windex?
(Richard Aceves) 
Squirrels are kinda cute, I admit, but they shouldn’t try
flying. They aren’t built for it.
(Gene Smith) 
Which is why, on the eighth day, God created Cessna.
(Richard Aceves) 
Ask him [Matthew Melmon] why no-one in the Cabal Noir has
ever seen him naked.
(Nick Fitch) 
You never asked. We run into each other regularly in the
locker room at the Fatness Center. In case you are wondering,
he looks like a dwarf Wookie randomly attacked by an Epilady.
(Richard Aceves) 
I have “Instrumental Gold” from K-Tel in my vinyl collection.
The only reason I didn’t throw it out in a post-pubertal
attack of tastefulness was because I never throw my records
and tapes away, no matter how awful, scratched or tacky they
might be.
(Nick Fitch) 
It can safely be said that if there were no people like Nick
Fitch, there would be no Franklin Mint.
(Richard Aceves) 
Do you think that [putatively outrageous] behavior and
attitude was justifiable under the circumstances?
(Doug Goodridge) 
I think I’ve got your attitude about this down. We don’t need
to go on about this any further: Doug: I’d like to be treated
equally, please. Heterosexual America: Will that be paper or
(Richard Aceves) 
… Absolut Citroen (the only vodka I can drink)
(Matthew Melmon) 
I’m told that’s excellent in cocktails, particularly the
Molotov. Which do you prefer: the diesel or the gasoline
(Kristin Bergen) 
… Absolut Citroen (the only vodka I can drink)
(Matthew Melmon) 
That must have tasted positively *awful*. What are the
predominant notes: muffler, dashboard, or head gasket?
(Richard Aceves) 
The *only* thing nice about United Airlines is that they pipe
ATC back to the passengers’ seats. Here, your infrequent
correspondent encounters the following while in 22F awaiting
flight 2965 to Las Vegas from San Francisco. The DC-10 is
flight 70:

UA2965: Ground, United two niner six five, push gate 73 with
SFO: United two niner six five roger, hold for company DC-10
pushing back in alleyway. Yankee is now current, wind one
three zero at one four, altimeter two niner eight six.
UA70: Ground, United 70 heavy holding for previous traffic
passing behind me. Are we clear? Is he bye?
Unidentified voice #1: Why don’t you ask him.
Unidentified voice #2: This is San Francisco, after all.
SFO: I am staying out of this.

(Richard Aceves) 

Adolfsen, Arne
Speaking of gastronomy, have I ever served you that meal for
40 guests, “Spam in Allium”?
(Steve Dyer) 
No. Tallis about it.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
I think it highly unlikely that the sight of Madonna jiggling
around in a parking garage singing “Borderline” will strike
people 50 years hence with the same force that people are
struck with even today when they see Marlene Dietrich in a
tuxedo kissing a woman full on the lips in the 62-year old
(Arne Adolfsen) 
You’ve never seen a slutty outfit until you’ve seen Jane
Russell’s big showgirl outfit in “The French Line.” It makes
Madonna’s cone-tit outfit look like something from off the
rack in the Cheryl Tiegs boutique at Sears.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Keep in mind that a talent for camp cannot be learned — you
either have it, or you’ve had it.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
My one question now is: what’s HWP? The phrase turns up in a
lot of the ads.
(George Reilly) 
Happy When Porked? Hot Wax Pig? Handy With Pliers? Habitually
Whining Princess?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
It seems to me that the people who are fighting amongst
themselves to get into position to lick Perot’s billion
dollar asshole are the same people who’ve spent the last 10+
years responding to corporate America’s great “we” campaign.
US magazine, USA Today, Newsweek and Time, and now the NY
Times “*We* think that X is Y”, Good Morning America, Rock
Star Benefits to Feed the Hungry, Stop Global Warming, Save
Family Farms, End Racism, whatever, “We Are the World”, blah
blah blah blah. This is not a real “we”, which would imply an
individual commitment to, or a self-identification with, a
collective; rather, it’s a packaged-commodity “we.” Don’t
presume to speak for *us* unless you know who *we* are.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Oh yes, the sentimentality for “unborn babies,” but apparent
lack of concern for “born babies.” What are you once you
*are* born? Pre-dead?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Should I do something about the way I feel, or just follow
along with everyone else? I’m a research engineer.
(Lawrence Clarke) 
A motsseur who’s currently without net access suggested the
perfect solution to your problem: next year, why don’t you
march in Omaha’s parade with a slide rule pinned to your
(Arne Adolfsen) 
I think Ketelby gives Delius a run for his money.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
I dislike Lillian Hellman because she was a grandstanding,
opportunistic plagiarist and self-mythologizer whose writing
is just barely competent. I *do* have an aversion to the kind
of thinking that equates popular success with artistic value.
Lillian Hellman, that old fraud, was terribly successful in
marketing her shabby wares. That does not make her an artist.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Are you perhaps under the misapprehension that I intended to
be fair about this?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
How do I decline penis for carpe as in carpe diem?
(Steven Eastman) 
I *never* decline a penis no matter the occasion.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Comparing “Einstein on the Beach” to, say, “Don Carlos” is
like comparing grape Koolaid to a 1969 Charmes-Chambertin —
they’re both wet and reddish-purplish, true, but that’s all
they have in common.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
[I’m] only half Puerto Rican, but the other half is Italian.
(B. Gonzales) 
Which half is Puerto Rican?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Perhaps better kill files are called for.
(Terry Bartlett) 
Ones that actually kill?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
There is only one institution of higher learning in North
America that is older than William and Mary.
(Sandy Smith) 
The Wilfred Beauty Academy?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
My reaction to Halperin, I admit, has to do with my sense
that he’s one of those most loathesome and superficial of
fags: a size queen.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Arne Adolfsen is 23 *again*.
(Jess Anderson) 
It amuses me to no end that Arne and I are the same age.
Beth, who does plan to turn 24 next summer
(Beth Linker) 
(Arne Adolfsen) 

Agarrat, Donald
My great-great-great-grandfather, Samuel McIlvaine, fought as
a member of the 10th Indiana Volunteer Infantry. He died
during the [Civil] war.
(Clayton Cramer) 
All the good it does me. He’s dead and you’re alive.
(Donald Agarrat) 
Sometimes I catch myself thinking about my father and I
wonder what I did. I do so many things just like him, and I
look just like him. I look in the mirror and my face morphs
into his. Neglect and abandonment justified from the pulpit
and the Oval Office don’t belong in the life of a child. It
still hurts.
(Donald Agarrat) 

Allen, John M
Removing philosophy from philosophy of science leaves you
(John M. Allen) 

Amspoker, Scott
I am against any so-called “rights” which are really coercive
interference into the right of Freedom Of Association.
(Phil Ronzone) 
Who you invite into your house is your freedom of
association. Beyond that it is simply a territorial battle.
No one is forcing you to ever leave the house where your
freedom of association ends.
(Scott Amspoker) 
Like many folks, I sometimes wonder about the dubious use of
the term “lifestyle” when discussing homosexual men and
women. I really can’t figure out what is meant by it. At what
point does something become a “lifestyle”. If I watch
“Startrek” each week, am I living a “Startrek lifestyle?”
Does one have to spend a certain number of waking hours doing
something to declare it a lifestyle? Are we all living a
“Usenet lifestyle?”
(Scott Amspoker) 
20/20 has usually been gay positive in the past. They even
did a piece a couple of years ago about the curable disease
called Homophobia.
(Scott Amspoker) 
Bigots love to be bigots. They’ll defend it to someone else’s
death. They know that the intent of their bigotry is to hurt
yet they insist on denying that their bigotry has a negative
influence on others fearing some kind of backlash. Bigots
are, after all, cowards.
(Scott Amspoker) 
I’m waiting for a “scientific paper” to conclude that
homosexuality is natural because it has been observed in
(Scott Amspoker) 
You can goddamned well take your sorry fucking ass right out
of here, and right quick, before the troops turn mean. I
believe it’s well past the time when they should have done
(Jess Anderson) 
For people here, arrogance, bad manners, and filthy language
almost seem a badge of honor.
(Walter Smith) 
If you can’t understand how you managed to bring out such
ugliness in other people then that’s just one more thing for
you to think about. Perhaps the next time a gay rights law is
on the ballot you can vote against it to teach everybody a
lesson in manners.
(Scott Amspoker) 
Someone once griped at me about these so-called “homosexual
meeting places.” All I could do to respond was explain that
the rest of the surface area of the planet had already been
designated as a “heterosexual meeting place.”
(Scott Amspoker) 

Anderson, Jay
I’m beginning to wonder whether this Jay Anderson chap does
*anything* other than wince and feel uncomfortable and make
snippy little moral pronouncementlets. I understand he’s held
in high regard by some people: would someone please take a
moment to explain his grooviness to me?
(Charlie Fulton) 
*Wince* I’m very uncomfortable with this, Charlie.
(Jay Anderson) 

Arrants, Stephen
Debbie Harry, of course, is both the Lulu and the Leslie Gore
of the ’70s (or is that ’80s?).
(Stephen Arrants) 

Ascherman, James
Remember the French philosopher Verlaine who said “I do not
agree with what you say, but I will fight to the death for
your right to say it.”
(James Ascherman) 

Asente, Paul
Anecdote reported in today’s Herb Caen column: A shuttle from
S.F. to the airport stopped to pick up a bunch of “Queer
Nation types” (whatever that means) on the way to Houston to
protest at the convention. A delegate to the convention was
already on the shuttle, and after a few “Thank God for AIDS”
and “It’s either them or me” remarks was last seen trying to
hail a taxi.
(Paul Asente) 
I had a great experience the other day…as I was going into
the grocery store a woman asked me to sign a Perot petition.
I just looked at her sweetly and said, “I’m sorry, I’m a
homosexual and an adulterer. I don’t think he’d want my
support.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone look so stunned
in my entire life.
(Paul Asente) 
There is more to life than the avoidance of death.
(Paul Asente) 

My problem with “grow the company”, which I hear all the
time, is that it makes it sound like we’re gardening. This
isn’t gardening.
(Ellen Evans) 
Alas, “proactive” still sounds odd to me.
(Brad Macdonald) 
I tend to be antiactive, myself, particularly until the cool
weather returns. As for “growing” a company, one can also
grow fungus, rust, warts, and wattles. Often by a sort of
proactive inaction.

Ballard, Mary
Member of The Sacred Synergy:
To become a member you must undergo our torturously painful
initiation rites. The uninitiated are not given any
information about our beliefs, rituals or social customs,
save one: we worship wooly mammoths.
(Mary Ballard) 
Lord honey, I was listening to Black Sabbath and beatin’ up
boys long before I knew a damn thing about research.
(Mary Ballard) 
Wockner International News runs in just about 100 gay
newspapers in 20-some countries.
(Rex Wockner) 
And “Baywatch” is the most popular TV show in the world. Your
(Stephanie Smith) 
At least “Baywatch” has tits.
(Mary Ballard) 
George W. Bush is the very portrait of affability, and he’s
gotten way ahead by staying cool in numerous confrontational
(Christian Molick) 
Well, when you have no idea what people are talking about,
it’s hard to get angry.
(Mary Ballard) 
Which hell would you choose? Choice #1 […] Choice #2 […]
( Neo) 
If two levels of hell are all you can come up with, you are
either very young or very unimaginative, either of which is
its own hell.
(Mary Ballard) 

Barkocy, Muffy
In theory, there is no difference between theory and
practice. In practice, there is.
(Muffy Barkocy) 

Baron, Jeff
Being human does not excuse us from being ignorant, or
professing ignorance.
(Jeff Baron) 
These people are the worst; people who don’t agree with the
bigots, but for some reason argue that it is okay to be a
bigot; that the fact that a bigot has a right to their own
beliefs must somehow translate into standing by while those
beliefs are dispensed like poison from a snake in a public
(Jeff Baron) 
We do not need anyone’s approval to exist. We already exist,
and we will become more and more visible, until every person
in this country not only knows someone with AIDS, but knows
someone that is gay. They may hate that person, but they will
know who that person is.
(Jeff Baron) 

Bartlett, Terry
There comes a time when it ceases to be flirting and it
becomes foreplay.
(Terry Bartlett) 

Barts, David
The universities in the ex-USSR had departments devoted to
Marxist-Leninist ideology; universities in the US have
business schools.
(David Barts) 

Batchelor, Mike
Natural vs. unnatural is a pretty worthless distinction.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Only to someone such as yourself, with a deliberate
disability to perceive the difference.
(Bob Sarver) 
But easy for someone like you, who can manufacture the
difference on the spot.
(Mike Batchelor) 
[On Jesse Helms’s by-pass operation:] (quoting) “There was no
mention of any difficulty in finding the heart. Surgeons also
replaced a faulty heart valve with another taken from a pig,
so there should be no question of tissue incompatibility.”

The pig tissue might reject him.
(Mike Batchelor) 
I hate shopping, but I love buying…
(Mike Batchelor) 
Heterosexuals invented artificial insemination.
(Mike Batchelor) 
Speaking of the lurkers, I have read that they number in the
thousands. 15,000, I think, was the figure cited. How the
hell does anyone know this? If they are all as quiet as
church motss, how can you know they are there?
(Mike Batchelor) 
Sinbad is to humor as Rush Limbaugh is to thought.
(Mike Batchelor) 
Does anyone else discern the same lack of style, substance,
and wit in this post as in all the privileged rich-boy fag
Republican fleabag’s other posts?
(Jim Halat) 
What crawled up your butt and died? Rex Reed?
(Mike Batchelor) 

Bear, Greg
Natural selection won’t matter soon, not anywhere as much as
conscious selection. We will civilize and alter ourselves to
suit our ideas of what we can be. Within one more human
lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably.
(Greg Bear) 

Bell, Patrick
“Butch” is a look. “Nellie” is a way of life.
(Patrick Bell) 

Bergen, Dana
You can make all the rational points you want about it, but
jealousy has nothing to do with rational thinking.
(Dana Bergen) 
If anyone could be considered to be tagging along, it is the
gay-men now benefitting from the past and present efforts of
those with less to lose.
(Dana Bergen) 

Bergen, Kristin
Subject: Re: the verb QUEER
I suppose this is an important exception (and certainly one
that colors the verb QUEER as queer), but since I don’t hang
out with kweer theory people (my loss, I’m sure), this usage
is only visual for me — title, sure; verb in conversation,
(Kenneth Ashton Callicott) 
How can you help hanging out with kweer theory people, since
everyone is a kweer theory person in their very own way? You
might in fact have hung out with one without having known it.
They’re sneaky that way.
(Kristin Bergen) 

Bernardo, Rob
I am many things, and it seems artificial to rank them. At
dinner time, I’m hungry first.
(Rob Bernardo) 
I’m not sure why you seem to be referring to homosexuality as
a lifestyle. It’s a sexual orientation, and has very little
to do with the style in which one conducts one’s life.
Furthermore sexual orientation is not a behavior (although it
can motivate a behavior); sexual orientation is a feature of
the mind. Additionally, it is not known whether sexual
orientation is due to nature or nurture, but it is certainly
not chosen (i.e. in a conscious way), say in the way someone
chooses a college or an employer. And finally, *even if* if
was a matter of choice, the distinction you make between no
control and choice is irrelevant: religious and political
belief and marital status are things we *do* have control
over, and yet as a society we believe no one should be
discriminated against on those grounds.
(Rob Bernardo) 
The goodness of morals depends upon what the morals say, not
just the fact that they are morals.
(Rob Bernardo) 
Evil doesn’t exist outside of people’s desires to do bad
things. It’s simply a label for a person’s characteristics.
(Rob Bernardo) 
The Kinsey scale less its sexual orientation content is
simply an empty scale, a set of consecutive numbers. Scales
can be used for lots of things. Scales are used in music. And
fish have scales. There are also the scales of justice.
(Rob Bernardo) 
Saying that the just overturned systems of eastern Europe are
proof the socialism isn’t good or doesn’t work, is sort of
like saying that a particular Christian church that failed in
producing ethical behavior in its adherents is proof that we
need to abandon the Golden Rule and start being nasty to each
(Rob Bernardo) 
Certe, Toto, sentio nos in Kansate non iam adesse. For those
who don’t know Latin: Breath mints, Toto, send to the nose of
Kansas no dog food from Odessa. “Nose of” is the Latin
equivalent of our expression “armpit of”; the Romans didn’t
think highly of that part of the face.
(Rob Bernardo) 
I thought someone was promiscuous if they slept with as many
people as I only wish to. I thought someone was a slut if
they slept with more people than I’d wish to.
(Rob Bernardo) 
The moment they stop taking it up the ass and in the mouth is
the day they can start telling me what to do.
(Bil Snodgrass) 
While an anti-gay hypocrite is worse than an anti-gay
non-hypocrite, neither can start telling us what to do.
(Rob Bernardo) 
Having a purpose that conflicts with some moral
responsibility does not *in itself* excuse one from that
moral responsibility.

We’re a street gang. We’re here to reclaim our manhood. We’re
allowed to beat up fags when they interfere with our manhood.

We’re Fundamentalists. We’re here to show you Jesus. We’re
allowed to work against people’s civil liberties when they
conflict with our religion.

We’re a corporation. We’re here to make a profit. We’re
allowed to do something that makes the world a worse place.

(Rob Bernardo) 
Using the term “family values” is like using the term
“morals”. Ya know, everyone’s got morals unless of course
they don’t follow mine.
(Rob Bernardo) 
To some extent any use of language (and conceptual
categories) distorts reality by coercing instances into
(Rob Bernardo) 
What does promiscuous mean today — more sex than you are
getting or more sex than I am getting?
(Rob Bernardo) 
I can understand the desire we have to label ourselves, to
find some pre-existing category into which we can stuff
ourselves for a feeling of identification. But most anytime
you try to reduce something to a category you run into
problems, because almost all the time the world just doesn’t
fit into categories.
(Rob Bernardo) 

Berno, Anthony
If you wouldn’t do it with an HIV+ person, consider not doing
it at all!
(Anthony Berno) 
Quite frankly, the reason that I would never release source
code is that it is just too embarrassing! Letting someone see
source is sort of like letting someone see your underwear. No
matter how clean it is, it’s always going to seem a bit dirty
to the owner.
(Anthony Berno) 
A fag is… a big ugly hairy woman with a penis.
(Unknown nitwit) 
Egad! Call Artimus Page! I’m heterosexual after all! I never
wanted men, all I wanted was a big hairy woman with a
penis!!!! Now that I have shed this terrible homosex disease,
I can live a happy, fulfilling, AIDS-free life with my hairy
penised woman. We will have sex only in the missionary
position, and go to church every Sunday. We will eat Wonder
bread and twinkies. Oh, life is fine indeed when one is
normal. Perhaps, though, she should change her name. “John”
just isn’t a womanly appellation.
(Anthony Berno) 
Being oppressed does not make one any more virtuous than one
would be otherwise. Even knowing the taste of oppression
oneself does not prevent the mechanisms whereby “enemies” are
dehumanized so that the concept of oppression seems to no
longer apply to them. (To what degree such accusations of
oppression by the oppressed are themselves engineered by the
oppressors is another question, a very complicated one at
(Anthony Berno) 
The formerly and currently oppressed are by far the greatest
driving force behind ending oppression for everyone. While
racism and sexism are rampant among the gay community, gays
and lesbians are also leaders in the battle against these
same forces. This is by no means a contradiction, of course;
we all know that the gay community is far from homogeneous,
and we should not expect any group to consist entirely of
saints or villains.
(Anthony Berno) 
Might I go so far as to argue that being oppressed often
*leads* to bigotry? If someone is raised in an environment of
blatant oppression, where there is always a clearly defined
“us” and “them”, it becomes very difficult to learn to be
tolerant. If oppression is all one knows, it can become the
only thing one knows how to do oneself.
(Anthony Berno) 
I’m reluctant to give particular examples of this [being
oppressive when oppression is all one knows], because the
examples I can give are, by their very nature, highly
politically charged. But a few come to mind, like misogyny in
the gay community, misandry among lesbians, gang justice
among black South Africans, the treatment of perceived
counterrevolutionaries among guerillas in El Salvador, etc.
(Anthony Berno) 
Why aren’t there any gay-nerd-bear bars, anyway? Ones where
bear programmers network their computers through glory holes
and exchange filthy email? Now, there’s a market!
(Anthony Berno) 
The things we value in our lives are not valuable for their
permanence, but for their ability to give us pleasure for
today and experience for tomorrow.
(Anthony Berno) 
Every loss has as a necessary prerequisite the possession of
something wonderful. The possession of something wonderful
has as an inevitable consequence its loss. If you don’t have
loss, you have nothing.
(Anthony Berno) 
Courting Catholics is like trying to put out a fire with an
eyedropper. Sometimes, you have to let the fire burn a while,
even make it worse, while you run up the river to break the
(Anthony Berno) 

Bishop, Jim
A newspaper is lumber made malleable. It is ink made into
words and pictures. It is conceived, born, grows up and dies
of old age in a day.
(Jim Bishop) 

Black, Christina
There is still no known reason for lesbianism.
Oh, c’mon. What about Susan Sarandon? She’s a great reason
for lesbianism. Also Jamie Lee Curtis — yum! And of course,
let’s not forget Warren Beatty, a stunningly good reason for
(Christina Black) 

Bohlman, Eric
Americans seem to have an anti-incremental bias. We seem to
think that progress comes as the result of a few gifted
people leading us in great leaps and bounds, not as the
cumulative result of lots of small actions on the part of
ordinary people. Some people have called this the
“homer-hitter” mentality. We want Killer Apps and Big
Breakthroughs, not slow but steady improvement. We have
trouble achieving our goals, not because we set them too
high, but because we expect to achieve them all in one step.
We seem to have collectively read The Little Engine That
Couldn’t in our youth: “if you don’t succeed on the very
first try, you don’t have what it takes to succeed.” We think
that winning is a result of being a winner and losing the
result of being a loser, not the other way around. It’s
become a national disease.
(Eric Bohlman) 
I’ve been informed that even those bear types who are safety
oriented are bad partners because lube gets caught up in all
that hair and makes them really icky to fool around with.
(Derik Cowan) 
To make this a fair comparison, you have to include the risks
of twinksex, such as embolisms caused by the injection of air
entering a partner’s one ear and exiting the other.
(Eric Bohlman) 
Ever notice how a religious extremist’s notion of how God
behaves is pretty close to a little kid’s experience of how
an abusive alcoholic father behaves?
(Eric Bohlman) 

Bond, Clay
Were we the ones who called the shots, there would be no
institutional discrimination against us.
(Clay Bond) 
Stupidity is evil waiting to happen.
(Clay Bond) 
I got up April Fools’ Day, stumbled into the kitchen to make
coffee, and stepped on Mr. Wasp. He objected to being stepped
on; I objected to his objection. I shared my feelings about
this with Mr. Wasp, nurturingly of course, and I’m sure he
was quite in touch with his Inner Larva as I squished him
into pate de wasp noir on the kitchen floor. I think I woke
the whole neighborhood as I shared …
(Clay Bond) 
When ducks are too stupid to realize that they are ducks,
they will insist that you are “mud-slinging” or making “cheap
shots” if you call them ducks.
(Clay Bond) 
“Power of expression” and “creativity” are luxuries available
only to those who can write. You cannot make Poulet a la
Vallee d’Auge if you do not know how to use the stove.
(Clay Bond) 
There is an important distinction between prejudice and
bigotry which we often gloss over. Prejudice results from
misinformation and lack of exposure, and can be eradicated by
education; bigotry is obstinate, having begun as prejudice,
but now blind and irrational. The bigot cannot be educated,
because he/she actively refuses to give up his/her blindness,
even in the face of information.
(Clay Bond) 
One must first be sentient to be wrong.
(Clay Bond) 
If we promise to miss you will you leave, or are we going to
have to get out the salt?
(Clay Bond) 
There is an important distinction between prejudice and
bigotry which we often gloss over. Prejudice results from
misinformation and lack of exposure, and can be eradicated by
education; bigotry is obstinate, having begun as prejudice,
but now blind and irrational. The bigot cannot be educated,
because he/she actively refuses to give up his/her blindness,
even in the face of information.
(Clay Bond) 
A very useful distinction, which I quote in case anyone
missed it the first time around.
(David Christopher Rogers) 
Useful only so long as we remember that faggots and dykes are
no less fond of their own hateful ignorances, and no less
prone to hug the security blanket of their own bigotries.
(Clay Bond) 
If you were arrested, would you get down on your knees and
gratefully thank the cop for not beating you to death as
(Clay Bond) 
I pity you if you feel that the “support” of fair-weather
“friends” is more important than self-respect. Such “friends”
offer no support, but rather slavery in a different cell:
that of their approval.
(Clay Bond) 
Anyone whose grasp of reality is so tenuous that they are
scared away by phosphors on a screen is seriously neurotic
and needs to be seeing a psychiatrist.
(Clay Bond) 
You must be able to grasp a point before you can make one.
(Clay Bond) 
Rosa von Praunheim should get a job which would better
utilize his magnificent talent — bagging groceries, for
(Clay Bond) 
All the sick people, where do they all come from?
(Johnny W.) 
Illanor Rigby …
(Clay Bond) 
[Fran Lebowitz is] a boring one-note comedy writer and failed
gay man-wannabe from the 1970s who’s better left ignored.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Much like you, dear.
(Clay Bond) 
I’ll leave that to better minds to answer
(Bill Lindemann) 
Apparently, that’s your only option.
(Clay Bond) 

Bothner, Per
Now a word to the wise: if you go out to the nekkid beach, be
sure to use 44 on your privates. Leather weenie is really
(Michael Thomas) 
Some of us still have Nature’s Protection …
(Per Bothner) 

Boutwell, Bob
Sure is quiet in here. The sound of one hand clapping, usenet
(John McGinnis) 
Shhh. I’m listening to the swishing of the pricks.
(Joseph C Fineman) 
Hey, watch your language! Not all of us swishes are pricks!
(Bob Boutwell) 

Briskin, Allen
Are we turning into a Roman Empire with TV?
(Mark S. Roberts) 
Contemporary architecture should be half as good.
(Allen Briskin) 
Death alters one’s place in society.
(Allen Briskin) 
Death is a disempowering experience.
(Allen Briskin) 
This has been for me a dizzying waltz, and I’m suffering from
what seems to be Post Traumatic Strauss Disorder.
(Allen Briskin) 
One who continues to describe his adult relationships in the
same terms as his abused childhood is not describing what
others do to him; he’s describing how he conducts his
relationships with others.
(Allen Briskin) 
Mars implies; Venus infers.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Mars commands; Venus entices.
Mars barks; Venus purrs.
Mars bites; Venus licks.
Mars presumes; Venus assumes.
(Jess Anderson) 
Mars has a candy bar!
(Jake Coughlin) 
Mars longa. Vita brevis.
(Allen Briskin) 
You’re more likely a vampire: “This is my blood. Drink ye of
(Jess Anderson) 
Always the gracious Host.
(Allen Briskin) 
Is there a 12 step program for blatant stereotypers?
(Ken Rudolph) 
The first step is admitting that *people like that* have a
(Allen Briskin) 

Broekman, Jennifer
Could we play on their fears of other sexualities enough to
get them to prevent the state from sanctioning any
orientation at all? Could we prevent them from making that
any orientation other than heterosexuality? I hate to say it,
but I don’t think we’re going to be able to stop the flood by
trying to block it. We have to start turning it the way we
want it to go, or drown.
(Jennifer Broekman) 

Brooks, Martin
People have a lot of control over whether or not they will
like living in a new place. It has a lot to do with attitude.
Of course, even the best of attitudes don’t come with a
(Martin Brooks) 
When I see the drag queens and butch hairy people in totally
revealing leather, I feel kinda creepy and ashamed. I don’t
want the general public to think that we dress and act like
(Lawrence Clarke) 
But we *do* dress and act like that. You may not, I may not,
and many others may not, but “we,” as the queer community at
large, do indeed dress and act like that. The message the
general public needs to comprehend is that we all deserve
equal protection under the law regardless of whether or not
we choose to be assimilationists. Just be what you want to
be; let everyone else do the same.
(Martin Brooks) 
When I see the drag queens and butch hairy people in totally
revealing leather, I feel kinda creepy and ashamed.
(Lawrence Clarke) 
Perhaps you’d claim some of these “creepy” people if you got
to know them better. After all, we might not be marching in
Pride Parades or posting to soc.motss if it weren’t for the
“creepy” people. (You call that creepy, my pretty? I’ll give
you creepy; how about your garden-variety, militant,
Christo-fascist, funda-gelical homophobe with a bad hairdo?)
Another thing, what right does the general public have to
judge us anyway? From where I sit, the general public seems
quite indisputably fucked up.
(Martin Brooks) 

Bryan, Michael
Reminds me of the final in a Discrete & Combinatorial
Mathematics course at Rose-Hulman. The professor was very
strict about no food/drink in his class, yet two guys came in
for the final, and were eating grapes. He asked them to get
rid of them; the response was, “But Dr. Grimaldi, these are
Abelian Grapes!”
(Michael Bryan) 

Buckmire, Ron
I just burst out laughing so hard in the CS Lab all the
people around me started looking nervous and whispering “Oh
God! What are the homosexuals happy about now?”
(Ron Buckmire) 

Burlingham, Ann
I would love to take mass transit or a bike to work, but it’s
not in the cars.
(John Whiteside) 
Very nice. More Boston surrealism?
(Ann Burlingham) 
I *am* butch! I even cut myself snapping kindling for the
wood-burning stove.
(Bob Donahue) 
The Truly Butch do not notice mere scratches or minor
(Ann Burlingham) 
I will stand behind that assessment until the very day I die.
Dolly. Parton. Is. An. Airhead.
(John Dorrance) 
All right, John, *you’re* the expert, after all.
(Ann Burlingham) 
I vote for El Paso too. That’s where my grandmother was born,
for a reason apparent to no-one else.
(Harry Kaplan) 
Probably for a reason similar to my father’s for being born
in Manila: his mother was there.
(Ann Burlingham) 
I’ve recently become involved with the Reading Comprehension
Relief Fund, the Usenet organization devoted to providing
clues and smacks upside the head to those in need. Resources
have never kept up with the demand, but the recent saturation
of posts from Mr. Special K and the Real Smart Lawyer and the
Man in Black and all the rest have surely demonstrated to all
with a normal supply of reading comprehension the desperate
straits we are in. A Reading Comprehension Disaster Area has
been declared. Please, please, all who can, give now, give
generously! Give the benefit of your understanding, a clue, a
word to the… well, that is a problem, isn’t it… Oh, no!
It’s too late! Clear the disaster area now! Don’t drain any
of your own skills by tossing them into the void. Run! Run!
Run for your lives and your sanity!
(Ann Burlingham) 
[Of Alan Miles:] Will one of you little ladies be so kind as
to lop him?
(Mike Thomas) 
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
Thank you.
(Mike Thomas) 
My pleasure.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
Oh, and a brewski from the fridge while you’re up…
(Mike Thomas) 
-{snick}- Whoops! We can sew that back on! Where’s my needle…
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
Don’t mix them up, now.
(Ann Burlingham) 
What does Miss Manners have to say about correcting your
(Jake Coughlin ) 
Start early?
(Ann Burlingham) 
What does MOTSS mean?
(Rollo Silver) 
What *doesn’t* it mean? Mostly, our trusty survey shows, many
of the silly senders mosey on to several sites, mainly on the
so-called Superhighway. Members of the same sex mark our
sensitive souls, most of them staying silently. Merrily
obfuscating tired subjects slyly, Ann
(Ann Burlingham) 
You’ll be suprised how carefully I watch my back.
(Mike Lane) 
That can’t be difficult, considering that your head’s on
(Ann Burlingham) 
There should be an equivalent of Godwin’s law for the word
(Jack Hamilton) 
Could you contextualize that?
(Ann Burlingham) 
Back when Ronald Reagan was president, he used to claim that
he didn’t dye his hair, despite not showing any gray at his
age. My father’s comment on this was, “I guess that he has
his barber dye it for him!”
(John F. Eldredge) 
My aunt, at the age of 76 (nearly 77) has maybe three grey
hairs on her head.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
Mine too!
(Ann Burlingham) 
Why demand that people change when manipulation and
deviousness are so much more amusing?
(Ann Burlingham) 
I think it’s a pity nobody says “Stuff!” anymore.
(Robert Coren) 
After the nasty breakup with Nonsense, Stuff kept going
around with It, and nearly everyone dropped them.
(Ann Burlingham) 
[Responding to an idiot] Why would cultural difference make
one unsuitable for military service?
(Gwendolyn Dean) 
Because if people are different, we’re supposed to *kill*
(Ann Burlingham) 
-{reading note}-: not everyone marks their sarcasm with tags.
(Ellen Evans) 
(Ann Burlingham) 
Since when does sitting up until all hours reading and
playing freecell/minesweeper count as debauchery?
(John Dorrance) 
Anything *you* do is debauched.
(Ann Burlingham) 
I’m the *younger* sister. Pearls!
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
(Ann Burlingham) 
Miss Pythia.
(Mike McKinley) 
I ever saw a pythia queen.
(Ann Burlingham) 
This is one of my pet peeves.
(David Fenton) 
It’s a wonder you have room for the menagerie.
(Ann Burlingham) 
My mother cried because it took her longer than a couple
weeks to get pregnant. I thought we took *forever*.
(Ann Burlingham) 
So you’re saying there was a *lot* of sex.
(Ellen Evans) 
I *knew* there was something we were doing wrong.
(Ann Burlingham) 
It looked so much like [rain] this morning that I took the
big umbrella to work.
(Kevin Vail) 
When do you take the small umbrella?
(Jack Hamilton) 
When his drink comes in a coconut.
(Ann Burlingham) 
I had much older siblings.
(Mike McKinley) 
Cain and Abel?
(Ann Burlingham) 
Gayness is for independent characters and for courageous and
clever people capable of standing up to adversity.
No, it’s for you, too.
(Ann Burlingham) 

Burlingham, Kathryn
I was being inundated with visions of lesbian sheep.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
And this is bad?
(Michael Palmer) 
My tastes range widely, but they do not run to sheep.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 

Callicott, Kenneth Ashton
Walking back to the hotel from the the theater, I passed
through Times Square and down some forty-something street,
where there were alternating boob and dick live shows. It was
very odd.
(Matthew Melmon) 
If this isn’t the quintessential small-town-boy-visits-a-
big-city statement, I don’t know what is.
(Kenneth Ashton Callicott) 
Now can we please end the limerick game, before I really go
(Ken Rudolph) 
Ken Rudolph goes nuts.
The gathered Academy
Gossips about him.
(Kenneth Ashton Callicott) 
Some of us do not squat. We plié. Then again, I’m the
higher-priced spread.
(Mike McKinley) 
“I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butcher!”
(Kenneth Ashton Callicott) 

Capps, Brent
Communist (CAHM-ee) n. 1. Member of the Communist Party. 2. A
legendary boogeyman appearing only in fundraising letters.
Any actual resemblance between (1) and (2) is purely
coincidental. See Red. Pinko (PINK-oh) n. 1. An all-purpose
innuendo used to imply that your opponent may be a homosexual
when you don’t have any actual evidence and don’t want to be
sued for libel, in which case you can maintain that, really,
pink is just a shade of red, honest. See the pyramids along
the Nile. Sympathizer (CAHM-ee-SIMP) n. 1. Your opponent in
any election. See Stooge. Tinkerbell (TINK-er-bell) n. 1. A
cutesy way of calling someone homosexual without sounding too
harsh or making your meaning clear enough to be sued for
libel. See Nancy Boy, limp wristed, mince.
(Brent Capps) 
If you want to fight discrimination, you must first make the
injustice visible.
(Brent Capps) 
This should not be accomplished by holding the stereotype
homosexuals down, but rather by working with the gray masses.
(Baard Kjos) 
I agree. We stereotypes shouldn’t be held down. We should be
securely *tied* down. Gray is quite a nice accent to black
leather, too.
(Brent Capps) 
I haven’t engaged in any sexual activity with anyone in over
a year. Am I no longer gay?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
No, I’m afraid you’ve been downgraded to amusing.
(Brent Capps) 
I thought leather *was* sort of like church. I worship it on
my knees…
(Brent Capps) 
It is, however, possible to be a “popular” obnoxious fuck
with a big mouth.
(Matthew Melmon) 
I will defer to your greater experience in this regard.
(Brent Capps) 

Carlson, Ann
I have a difficult time dealing with your anger, my friend,
when I have done something to hurt you. I am afraid to trust
that when your anger is gone you will still love me. But when
I know what I have done I can modify my behavior, or
apologize, or explain. And, then I hope that we can be
reconciled. But I am terrified when I am included in your
anger but I cannot pinpoint the cause within myself. I am
afraid that this anger will be between us forever, and I feel
helpless and vulnerable because I can find nothing to do
about it.
(Ann Carlson) 
Family values mean a lot to me, good things, and I don’t like
to see the term slandered.
(Ann Carlson) 

Carpenter, Scott
Man has no Body distinct from his Soul; for that call’d Body
is a portion of Soul discern’d by the five Senses, the chief
inlets of Soul in this age.
(Mike Pettersen (quoting)) 
The chief outlet of Soul being Aretha Franklin?
(Scott Carpenter) 

Carroll, Jack
After decades of raging against injustices — personal and
communal, ephemeral and substantial — I have come to see
that the more I take on the enemy’s passion, the more I
become just like him until finally the shared rage
obliterates any distinction between his cause and mine — the
means becomes the end and we are essentially
indistinguishable in hatred.
(Jack Carroll) 
Where will all of the wretchedness end if we cannot refrain
from repeatedly seeking to victimize the victimizer?
(Jack Carroll) 
I have small patience with people who attempt to stand on
principles which are smaller than their feet and then
complain when they fall off, but I have no sympathy with
people who attempt to stand on principles when there are none
in sight.
(Jack Carroll) 
If we repudiate “religion” and a concern for what is “sacred”
because it is associated with the activities and cultic
paraphernalia of professional religionists we are denying a
very essential part of being human. Religion is not about
God, it is about us.
(Jack Carroll) 
Gay is standard equipment on some models. Period.
(Jack Carroll) 
I’m mixing metaphors here, but the closet is somebody else’s
red wagon–I won’t kick it over, but I won’t pull it either.
(Jack Carroll) 
Why should sexual orientation appear on a list of priorities?
I mean, like everybody’s got one.
(Jack Carroll) 
I am not looking for a place for my dick, I am looking for a
place for my life. And that “place” is the whole place.
(Jack Carroll) 
Hug me, flame me, kiss me, kill me…
(Alan Jaffray) 
*Hugs*, you dumb bastard -{smooches}- -{stab}- -{stab}- -{stab}-
(Brad Shapcott) 
At last a real breakthrough: snuff postings!
(Jack Carroll) 
The problem of papal intransigence could easily be rectified
by making black fishnet stockings part of the uniform.
(Jack Carroll) 
Granted, coming out and finding new friends as a result of
this process is certainly change, but the fear of being
rejected for a quality of one’s basic essence and the fear
that this may separate one across-the-board from non-gay
people is a powerful threat, and I don’t believe that it is
one likely to be seriously diminished, at least in the short
run, by the fact that one will make new friends.
(Jack Carroll) 
To be rejected because you are a female in a society run by
males, or to be rejected because your skin is black in a
society run by people with white skin, or to be rejected
because you are homosexual in a society run by heterosexuals
and the impact this has on your life is far different than no
longer seeing the guys on your old bowling team.
(Jack Carroll) 
The virus [hate and discrimination] isn’t in some other Them,
it’s in all of us and it travels only too well. Perhaps the
greatest utopia would be if we could all realize that no
utopia is possible; no place to run, no place to hide, just
take care of business here and now.
(Jack Carroll) 
Buy papers and learn to roll your joints. Eventually you will
be enticed into the wonderful world of origami, give up your
enslavement to dope and find bliss in folding single sheets
of paper into models of Mount Rushmore.
(Jack Carroll) 
[On mornings:] I’m sure if I had been there when God said,
“Let there be light,” I would have yelled, “Turn that thing
off, asshole!”
(Jack Carroll) 
First impressions of soc.motss: Kinda like one of them
afternoon soap operas, but on steroids or something.
Ages ago someone said that her picuture of soc.motss was a
cocktail party. In my own mind that conjured up one of those
gatherings in the 60’s where most of the guests arrived
straight from work with an empty stomach, and by 6:30 the
affair was a pandemonium of falling-down drunks. The steroid
soap opera is much better. How about calling it “Roiders of
the Purple Stage.”
(Jack Carroll) 
Anyhoo, the cruising that was going on in the opera section
[in the record store] was as blatant as what goes on in an
incredibly cruisy backroom.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
People had their dicks out?
(Greg Parkinson) 
Greg, this was the opera section. If these guys had their
weenies out it was probably just to piss on the CD’s of divas
they hated.
(Jack Carroll) 
M., who finds oral surgery preferable to experimental theater
(Mack Therber) 
I am certain my endodontist has dedicated his professional
life to breaking down that very distinction.
(Jack Carroll) 
It’s September — time for the “name that penis”/”name that
breast”/”name that” -{sexual body part}- thread!
(Scott Safier) 
Way back in college (early 1970s), I knew a guy, evidently
straight, who called his penis Alphonse.
(Edgar Lawrence) 
Bah, as if anything can top the simple sublime grace of the
name “Mr. Happy.”
(Steve Jones) 
Certainly, an anus named Ramona. “Ooooh Daddy! Give Ramona
one of your big ol’ soul kisses.”
(Jack Carroll) 
Why don’t you and Tim worry about yourselves and let me worry
about my responses. I think that works best.
(Scott Safier) 
You know you wanna strangle the both of them. Admit it, you
will feel much better. Embrace the anger inside you and make
it your friend.
(Mike Lane) 
You could get rich off the self-help crowd with your book on
“Making Friends with Your Inner Killer.”
(Jack Carroll) 
I went thru the picture archives. They were truly a menagerie
of the ugliest human beings I have ever seen. I should have
done a top ten list but even I am not mean enough to do that.
(Mike Lane) 
Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Jack Carroll) 
I think the world would be a better place with more dragons
in it.
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
My goodness, have bars changed *that* much?
(Jack Carroll) 
“We are honored to receive this award and be in such good
company.” said Astro Teller, BodyMedias CEO.
(Scott Safier) 
Your CEO’s name sounds like he should be a cheap fortune
(David Fenton) 
Or an ATM on a space shuttle.
(Jack Carroll) 
It just occurred to me this morning: We’ve been Fristed.
(Frank McQuarry) 
I guess Americans are just too Bushed not to give in to a
Fristing, but soon the Brits will be Blairing about being
Cheneyed to the wall and having their Rumsfeld too. Same ol’
Song, Saddam ’em all sez I.
(Jack Carroll) 
He is so firmly impaled on the point of his head that he’s
sitting on his own shoulders.
(Jack Carroll) 
For dessert, we walked over to our neighbors and found that
another neighbor’s dog had killed a fawn. We took its liver
and had it with a nice Chianti.
(Michael Thomas) 
A Sicilian favorite, dog liver and Chianti.
(Jack Carroll) 

Casti, David
Sexuality does not “turn on” at puberty and “turn off” at
menopause. It is not a thing external, no matter how hard our
culture teaches us to push it away. It is every bit as
integral and fundamental the day you’re born as it is the day
you die.
(David Casti) 

Chatt, Tom
94% of Americans surveyed believed that polls are the best
mechanism for making public policy decisions. Of those
responding, 86% were avid readers of USA Today, and 62%
spelled potato with an ‘e’ at the end.
(Tom Chatt) 
The whole project [the sociologist Tennov’s theory of
“limerence”] depends on the belief that vector mathematics is
meaningfully analogous to human emotions. Sorry. I just don’t
buy it.
(Tom Chatt) 
It is appropriate for the *homophobe*, rather than the
homosexual, to be apologizing for his/her existence.
(Tom Chatt) 
If Space and Time are curved, where do all the straight
people come from?
(Tom Chatt) 

Chibnik, Mara
Our culture says that it’s more important to stay within
other people’s expectations and comfort zones than within our
own. Crossing gender lines is some sort of real
transgression. Making the point that one’s choice of bedmates
is not “properly” a *gender* issue is in itself a
revolutionary act.
(Mara Chibnik) 
Anyone who thinks that it isn’t misogynistic to insult a man
by saying “you’ve got penis envy” doesn’t have a clue. Of
course, that’s probably not all he hasn’t got.
(Mara Chibnik) 
I am trying out a lot of ideas about sex and gender. None is
quite so simple as the familiar version, which rests on a
couple of traditional axioms that I’ve explicitly rejected:
that physical sex is always the determiner of gender and that
heterosexual pairings take priority. It is amazing how many
new possibilities open up once these restrictive notions are
(Mara Chibnik) 
A transcendental number is easier to put into a glossary
entry than a transcendental experience is.
(Mara Chibnik) 
Homophobia isn’t a disease of the intellect and it isn’t
subject to an intellectual cure.
(Mara Chibnik) 
If you’re going to lead a horse to water it’s a good idea to
put something into the trough.
(Mara Chibnik) 
As a matter of concern, how can anybody tell that somebody
else is gay. Especially when that other person is EIGHT!! It
is a bit O.T.T. to go and assume that your nephew is gay. If
he is or not you have no right to label him Gay,
Heterosexual,… etc. That is his own decision.
(Aaron J. Quigley) 
It’s up to him to assert his own sexuality, certainly. But
perhaps you would care to comment as to why it’s “a bit
O.T.T.” to assume that the youngster is gay — but not to
assume that he isn’t.
(Mara Chibnik) 
Just about every American city save NYC and LA is provincial.
(Tim Wilson) 
New York is the most provincial city on Earth.
In the universe, most likely.
(Mara Chibnik) 
Please do not annoy, torment, pester, plague, molest, worry,
badger, harry, harass, heckle, persecute, irk, bullyrag, vex,
disquiet, grate, beset, bother, tease, nettle, tantalize, or
ruffle the usenet.
(Vadim Temkin) 
It’s awfully hard to avoid ruffling the usenet.
Cobra Woman [picturing eballets with etutus[*] made of
(Mara Chibnik) 

Chu, Leith
We have had this discussion before.
(Mark Roberts) 
So? This is soc.motss. We’ve had *all* the discussions
(Leith Chu) 
The problem with actual facts is that they often don’t fit
stereotypes. It’s much easier to just ignore them.
(Leith Chu) 
On the Internet, nobody knows you’re a dog. However, idjit
asshole is hard to hide.
(Leith Chu) 
Not All Men Are Annoying; Some Are Dead.
(+Button text) 
Men can be annoying long after their death.
(Leith Chu) 
Usenet is not the right place for a control queen.
(Mike Thomas) 
I thought this was a double-blind experiment?
(Leith Chu) 
I can can to work by going to the corner, turning right on H
(Jack Hamilton) 
Isn’t that hard on your feet?
(Leith Chu) 
The prurient in Texas would like to know what you *wear*
while Swiffering.
(Mike McKinley) 
An exasperated expression.
(Leith Chu) 

Clapp, Doug
Place the rock within easy gazing distance of the computer.
When totally baffled, stuck or dismayed, gaze at the rock.
Try to remember that, like the rock, the computer is
functioning perfectly. You’re the one with the problem.
(Doug Clapp) 

Clark, Randy
Grammar is not a vice (though excessive picking at it can
be). And nonstandard words/grammar can be used to good effect
(but no one can do that without knowing *how* they’re) 
(Randy Clark) 
The idea that there is a platonic message that can somehow be
divorced from “unimportant” details of presentation is, like
solipsism, less in need of a refutation than a cure.
(Randy Clark) 

Clark, Richard
Just goes to show that some people admire what’s inside a
person more than what he looks like. Hell, I’m so ugly it
looks like I was ridden hard and put away wet, but my lover,
whom everyone loves, has stuck with me for these past 28+
(Richard Clark) 

Cobb, Darren Scott
What’s the difference between a flirt and tease?
(Richard Jasper) 
A flirt wants it, and a tease wants something else.
(Darren Scott Cobb) 

Colwell, Clay
As a public service to soc.motss, I figured I go ahead and
start the annual Chr*stm*s flamewar thread.
(Greg Havican) 
“Christians roasting on an open fire,
Lions nipping on their toes….”
(Clay Colwell) 
So, what do y’all want for Christmas?
Your head on a platter.
(Greg Havican) 
Shalom, Salome.
(Clay Colwell) 
Give up the analytical obsession. It’s not like a thousand
metapeople just like you haven’t metadroned on about the
metasame metathing a thousand times before.
Right. Stop it before it metastasizes.
(Michael Thomas) 
Hmph. I never metastasizes I didn’t like.
(Clay Colwell) 
My mother gave up smoking when she became pregnant (but I
don’t think this would work with guys).
(David Stevenson) 
Well, give it a shot — let all the guys who want to quit
smoking know the next time your mother is pregnant.
(Clay Colwell) 
I had Jasper and Melinda in the same dream a few days back.
(Gene Smith) 
Celebrity Deathmatch?
(Clay Colwell) 
*CAN* *BONK* too many times!
(Matthew Melmon) 
Skwirl — be a dear: give your queen a sedative.
(Brian Kane) 
You misspelled “laxative”. Hope that helps.
(Tim Wilson) 
Funny; I was about to recommend the opposite.
(Clay Colwell) 
Is that what you tell the boys when you’re kicking the shit
out of them?
Once they regain consciousness, I do.
(Mary Ballard) 
Do you circumsize ’em, too?
(Clay Colwell) 
The side kick is easy, compared to the snip kick.
(Jess Anderson) 
Yes! The Amazing Prepuce Man, with his sidekick Bris Boy.
Their superpower? Oy, just guess.
(Clay Colwell) 
The corn have ears! The potatoes have eyes!
(Greg Parkinson) 
The night has a thousand eyes.
(Edgar Lawrence) 
The knight has a thousand ayes.
(Jess Anderson) 
The rabbit farm has a thousand I’s.
(Clay Colwell) 
Topics this week:
* How Kevin Spacey picks up chicks
(Rex Wockner) 
By their peckers, natch.
(Clay Colwell) 
I’m resigned to enduring flamenco and bullfighting jokes for
the rest of my life on account of my middle name.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
For some reason, I read “bullfighting” as “buttfucking”!
(Tim Wilson) 
“Oh, *lay*! Oh, *LAY*!”
(Clay Colwell) 
I use it [hyphen] in mis-spelled, but because of the
potential misreading “miss-pelled.”
(David Fenton) 
And lord knows, pelling is real serious stuff. I shudder to
think of what happens when you *miss* while pelling…
(Tracy Cannon) 
You pick yourself up, dust off your ass, and re-pell.
(Michael Palmer) 
Dis-pell that notion at once, or I shall be im-pelled to
pro-pell a scal-pell through your la-pell.
(Clay Colwell) 
I don’t think the word “gay” was common in any majority
press, print or tv, before 1980, maybe 1985.
(Jess Anderson) 
Was it the NYT that had an article about the Enola
(Clay Colwell) 
CNN just had a report that Pat Buchanan says gay men and
lesbians are “welcome” to support his bid for the Reform
Party nomination … so long as we support his agenda.
(Dennis Lewis) 
Ooooo. Let’s take self-loathing to the next level!
(Clay Colwell) 
I trust that was not an aspersion cast upon my cooking
(Clay Colwell) 
All right, I’ll bite (well, maybe I won’t): how does one cook
(Robert S. Coren) 
With falsified credentials?
(Clay Colwell) 
It’s the tone of their voices that makes crows sound
quarrelsome, I suppose. Just as cardinals tend to sound
cheerful, and a little inebriated.
(Robert Coren) 
All that sacramental wine, I presume.
(Clay Colwell) 
Schlitterbahn could make a chicken hawk out of the most
hardcore daddy’s boy.
(Richard Jasper) 
So what does that make me, as I seem to have resisted The
(Clay Colwell) 
Uber Boi?
(Richard Jasper) 
No — Uber Pup!
(Clay Colwell) 
What *is* the difference between bois and pups?
(Richard Jasper) 
Blanche Du?
(Clay Colwell) 
I kinda like the idea of a boyfriend who can only grunt.
(Scott Carpenter) 
(Clay Colwell) 
[The vagina] is simply inherently not a pretty organ.
(Mike Lane) 
(Ellen Evans) 
Beauty is in the mouth of the beholder.
(Clay Colwell) 
I was recently mistaken for 28, and I was naked at the time,
so it wasn’t the wardrobe.
(David Fenton) 
Those glory holes are *so* flattering.
(Clay Colwell) 
Cat people and dog people can make it work, if they’re dog-
and cat-tolerant.
(Clay Colwell) 
Je déteste les chats.
(Mike McKinley) 
But you adore the chat rooms!
(Clay Colwell) 
If y’all want to carry on, be my guest.
(Clay Colwell) 
What are you serving?
(Scott Safier) 
Crow and nettles. How large is your party?
(Clay Colwell) 
Where did you think the Milky Way came from, anyway?
(Clay Colwell) 
Mars, he said with a snicker.
(Jess Anderson) 
Will, the big Baby, Ruthlessly had Zero to say about how his
Reeses monkeys were involved in the matter.
(Clay Colwell) 
Glitter and be gay, darling. And bring your finest tiara.
(Mike McKinley) 
I’m roughing it this trip: no jools.
(Jess Anderson) 
No energy to spare? Never leave ohm without joules, I always
(Clay Colwell) 
I’m driving far, a day at a time, erg-o, wattever happens,
ohmy, I’m ready, neither resistant nor reluctant to charge
ahead even if it hertz.
(Jess Anderson) 
Currently, we’ll be inducing you to attend a circuit party
during the visit (perhaps anode-ious undertaking, but watt
the ‘ell).
(Clay Colwell) 
“People of Penis”. Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.
(Anthony Rzepela) 
Ooo! Oooo! “People of Prick” and “People of Pussy”! POPs
right off *my* tongue!
(Clay Colwell) 
I’d rather fuck the Snuggle bear than buy Chlorox II.
(Frank McQuarry) 
A closet plushie. I *knew* it!
(Clay Colwell) 
On chat, I say I’m 39, but in person, I always blow it.
(Mike McKinley) 
Darling, what *wouldn’t* you blow?
(Clay Colwell) 
I think the world would be a better place with more dragons
in it.
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
Why? Fewer virgins?
(Clay Colwell) 
Chipotles en adobo are smoked jalapeños in thick, seasoned
paste and they are fabulous.
(Mike McKinley) 
They make my bunghole burn.
(Mike Thomas) 
Try eating them next time.
(Clay Colwell) 
Shame is for the shameful. Those of us who are shameless
don’t give a shit.
(Clay Colwell) 
When my best friend was in college, she told her mother she
was thinking about becoming a thanatopsychologist. Her mother
thought she said tomato psychologist, and said “Isn’t that
rather _seasonal_ work?”
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
Let’s face it; it’s got to be awfully easy work (unless John
Edwards is there as a translator). And it must be a bear
getting the clients off the couch (unless they’d been
(Clay Colwell) 
Even then, vacuuming them up can be a real pain in the ash.
(Michael Palmer) 
But at least you urn your keep.
(Clay Colwell) 
Isn’t it just terrible that the big evil AIDS industry can’t
come up with a name for boinking-with-condoms that’s even
half as sexy, saucy, and teasingly bad-boyish as
(Eric Holeman) 
(Will Parsons) 
So the new Rabid Right epithet against gay men will be
“rubber-bumping baby buggerers”?
(Clay Colwell) 
I don’t believe in the theology, but I love the candles and
the statues.
(Mike McKinley) 
Oh please. You’ve got your eye on the frock and the smoking
(Clay Colwell) 
So if you get a blowjob through a gloryhole and find out,
upon exiting, that the blower was a hedgehog, are you into
(Clay Colwell) 

Coren, Robert
Did you know there are only forty-four sounds in the English
language? Forty-four!
(Tim Pierce) 
And about three thousand ways to spell each one of them?
Now dear, you know it could be worse. I don’t know how many
sounds there are in Dutch, but I do know a substantial number
of them are unpronounceable.
(Jess Anderson) 
Now, now, Jess. I have to point out that, of the 44 sounds in
English, at least 60 of them are unpronounceable.
(Robert Coren) 
Blind acceptance of the government’s policies is a concept
inimical to true freedom.
(Robert Coren) 
I won the Howdy Doody lookalike contest in Providence.
(D. Owen Rowley) 
I suppose it would be rude to ask in what year.
(Robert Coren) 
This newsgroup hasn’t changed a bit. You still are all so
cruel and insensitive and mean and nasty and oppressive. I’m
leaving and never coming back.
(Will Parsons) 
What, again?
(Robert Coren) 
People will want to marry inanimate objects.
(Dave Welch) 
It seems to me that plenty of people manage to do that under
the present rules.
(Robert Coren) 
John, who saw a new Kraft product t’other day: mac ‘n’ cheese
where all’s you have to add is water. Brought me to my knees.
(John Dorrance) 
Not difficult to do, by all accounts.
(Robert Coren) 
It’s nice to have doctor who is out, teddy-bear shaped and
prone to give hugs at the end of an exam.
(Richard Jasper) 
Mine always gives me a big kiss when I come.
(Greg Parkinson) 
I like that in a man.
(Robert Coren) 
Clay, who had his leg pissed on by one upset kitty before
(Clay Colwell) 
It’s rather a pity that the rest of this sentence somehow got
cut off.
(Robert Coren) 
YAW: yet another whippersnapper!
(Jess Anderson) 
ROLL: real oldtimers love life.
PITCH: peer into time’s cold heart.
(Robert Coren) 
[Re: the definition of “teabagger”] But, in a non-American
sense, “One who bags tea” is a perfectly reasonable
definition. One who drapes his genitalia over sleeping
people’s faces is more accurately described as an “Alarm
(Nick Fitch) 
You didn’t intend that second “l”, did you?
(Robert Coren) 
Hmmm. Don’t you need a filename if you’re going to fcare?
(Clay Bond) 
Frankly, the whole thing fcares the fhit out of me.
(Robert Coren) 
I’ve long decided that there’s only one sensible answer to
the question “Why is/are one/some/any/certain people gay?”:
“Why not?”
(Robert Coren) 
I want to see more bitter, hysterical and queenly responses.
(Mike McKinley) 
Hmmm. And I figured you for one to appreciate the treasure
that is the serial comma!
(Tim Wilson) 
No one appreciates it anymore.
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
I do! Corn flakes, shredded wheat, rice krispies, … Oh.
Those are cereal commas. Never mind.
(Robert Coren) 
When I was an adolescent my nickname was “Easy Out McKinley.”
(Mike McKinley) 
Then you got a little older and they dropped the “Out”.
(Robert Coren) 
What I remember from Banff is that elk are big, especially a
half a dozen or so blocking the exit from the bar.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
What, had the bartender cut them off?
(Robert Coren) 
A weasel is weaselly distinguished, and a stoat is stoatally
(– Chris Ambidge) 
Ferret enough.
(Robert Coren) 
Cat abuse is the main problem facing scripters today.
(Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen) 
Is that the opposite of ant abuse? Does it encourage drinking
to excess?
(Robert Coren) 

Cornish, Carleton
The world is made up of *too many* insensitive, malicious
people unworthy of my attention who by their every word and
action declare themselves an enemy of who and what I am…and
these people make decisions that affect my life. Fortunately,
I have developed the self-confidence and strength to
withstand these things or I wouldn’t be here today…but I’m
*still pissed*, and I have every *right* to that anger.
(Carleton Cornish) 

Coughlin, Jake
To forget all the rules and act naturally is a reward akin to
(Jake Coughlin) 
And if *I* were standing in front of you you’d be spitting
broken teeth out of your mouth. Asshole.
(Mick Washbrooke) 
Oh YEAH?!? If *you* were standing in front of me, you’d be
bleeding all over your taffeta dress. Of course, with your
slow delivery, you’d be healed before you woke up.
(Jake Coughlin) 
I’m going to go talk with my parrot; he makes more real sense
than most of you people do.
(Michael Krieger) 
I think you mean that he doesn’t talk back.
(Jake Coughlin) 
I’m going to have that Abercrombie and Fitch ad in which four
young men run around naked with their boxers in front of
their crotches tattooed on the inside of my eyelids. And to
think that some gay kids had merely the Sears underwear
catalog to wank off to.
(Jake Coughlin) 

Craven, Ayana
“Cabal” may come to the mind of many because of the
inordinate amount of group-think that goes on here.
(Luke Adams) 
Yeah, it’s really a shame that so many people here attack
logical inconsistency and sweeping generalizations made from
unsupported assumptions. They should all be more
*individual*, this insistence on clear thinking and
reasonably clear writing is just another example of people
wanting to fit in.
(Ayana Craven) 

Creighton, Laura
As I get older and older, I find little grounds to believe in
the real existence of a personal God who cares about me. But
if there is such a God for me to meet when I die, I still
think that I will have the same defense — I tried to do what
is good, and apologise when I make mistakes. If that is not
enough, then I was scorched before I was ten.
(Laura Creighton) 
When we win, let us not forget those who lost before.
(Laura Creighton) 
You do not know my aches, but you know your own and they are
in the same places. This is what makes us a community. We
have a lot of aches in common.
(Laura Creighton) 
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
(Laura Creighton) 
Unless the idea “do not hate” penetrates, it will find new
(Laura Creighton) 

Crew, Louie
At the political level, _honkey_ is insignificant. No systems
privilege it. Black students changed _honkey_ quickly after a
little education, especially when I showed them how to
document their oppression and how to invest their verbal
energies less frivolously, more systematically to change the
systems by which white people receive special privilege. I
was especially effective when I pointed out that my insight
derives not from my own whiteness, but from my being an
articulate sissy! Once hetero egos mended, I got an apology
from every one who had called me “Faggot!” too. Solidarity is
dangerous unless we can unite with justice for all.
(Louie Crew) 
One of the things that I most resent about the media’s
attention to Skin Heads and other neo-Nazi groups in the USA
is that the media use them to sustain an illusion that White
Supremacy and homophobia are at the fringe of our society:
they are at its core.
(Louie Crew) 
Too many of us blindly trust hetero educators to tell us what
we need to know. Rather than join a community, most
homosexuals call it a “ghetto” and hold out for the private
and personal privileges they can win on their own.
(Louie Crew) 
Interracial friendships deserving of the name should not
occur if the price is to silence our addressing these larger,
impersonal but fiercely unjust systems. The same goes for
friendships between straits and lesbigays. The same goes for
friendships between ‘out’ lesbigays and closeted ones. Don’t
mistake a bandaid for surgery.
(Louie Crew) 
Cantonese for masturbate is ~DAH FAY GAY~ (with tones
ascending as in DO-RAY-ME for the musical scales). It means
“hit [DAH] the airplane [FAY GAY].” Thai for masturbate is
“feed the Chickens.” You can see who has the luxury of lying
on his back, who has to do it on the run in this global jerk.
(Louie Crew) 
Only a dead fish floats with the current.
(Louie Crew) 

Crowley, Paul
“Do you know a cow was *murdered* to make that jacket?” “I
didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I guess I’ll have
to kill you too.”
(Paul Crowley) 

Cumming, Robert
For breakfast on Thursday morning, we decided to go to
another place that I noticed a block away from Cafe du Monde,
called La Madeleine.
(Ken Rudolph) 
I bet that brought the memories flooding back!
(Robert Cumming) 
I know I haven’t checked with the ultra-pedantic dictionary
elitists who define words for all of soc.motss…
(Scott Safier) 
We could always call them burglarians.
(Robert Cumming) 
I wouldn’t put it past [Bavarians] to spawn any number of mad
gunmen, alongside passably honest farmers with a side line in
“Swiss” cheese.
(Lee Rudolph) 
So *that’s* how they make the holes.
(Robert Cumming) 
I HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE this new fucking trend of
stamping little product labels on to fruits and vegetables
(tomatoes in particular).
(Mike Thomas) 
I don’t see what the point of genetic engineering is if they
can’t breed the things already with barcodes on them, really.
(Robert Cumming) 
Alas, Ellen, you’ve become *too* successful: you’re now
(Michael Palmer) 
Ellen de sui generis?
(Robert Cumming) 
I think reality has a responsibility to us to be at least
mildly comprehensible.
(Robert Cumming) 

I do believe that all voices should be heard on matters such
as this, unlike the overwhelming majority of faggots who
believe in suppressing all criticism of the gay agenda.
(Fred Cherry) 
What’s this “Gay Agenda” thing I keep hearing about? Whoever
passed that Agenda never sent me a copy of the flyer.
(Michael Roeder) 
It’s the agenda to replace fear, hate, lies, bigotry and
intolerance with knowledge, understanding, truth and
OK I’m beginning to get uncomfortable here. Defending me is
simply not done. It makes me feel very vulnerable. Please
stop it.
(Mike Lane) 
It’s our way of getting revenge. The flame wars were just to
suck you in.
I later found out that his thing is shrimping, which does
nothing for me.
(David Fenton) 
I read that as “shrinking”, which does nothing for me either.
Men are just a dick and a wallet. Suddenly I feel like half a
(Scott Safier) 
Which half?
Clay, with a lay/lie pet peeve
(Clay Colwell) 
My Mamma always said that “Hens lay and people lie.”
(Mike McKinley) 
Really? What do pigs do?
(Will Parsons) 
Take your number but never call.
Given how hard it is to get blood out of various materials
(including wood), seems like a body might rather use
something a little less, er, permanent.
(Ayana Craven) 
You should see them trying to get blood out of a parrot.
(Mike McKinley) 
Surely one just squeezes?
“Butt” is not elegant. It’s American.
And we all know those qualities are mutually exclusive,
(Robert Coren) 
You know what I mean.
True, but that’s never stopped me before.
(Robert Coren) 
These confessional moments are rare, David; enjoy it while
you can.
(Jess Anderson) 
The quotes file is forever.
Don’t blame me, I voted with the majority.
(Scott Safier) 
Great bumper sticker.
I was very disappointed when I realized that “canonization”
does not involve shooting the person out of a cannon.
(Beth Linker) 
I was disappointed when I discovered that a straw vote did
not involve straws.
(Mary Ballard) 
I was disappointed when I discovered that a kangaroo court
does not involve kangaroos.
Does that make Mike McKinley a sage?
Isn’t he more of a rosemary?
(Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen) 
All the thyme.
I’m so, so sorry, though; I could have lured them [a couple
of Mormons] into the basement and kept them there for you.
(Ann Burlingham) 
How well do Mormons keep?
(Brian Kane) 
I suppose it depends on how well you cure them.
Well, remember what Harry Lime said: “In Italy, for thirty
years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder,
bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci
and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love;
they had 500 years of democracy and peace — and what did
that produce? The cuckoo cock.”
(Lee Rudolph) 
Are they the ones that pop out of your trousers on the hour,
every hour?

Danger, Jack
If you put aside the mass murders and hate, the neo-nazi
network is just a bunch of clean-cut white boys out for a
good time.
(Jack Danger) 

Dauber, Jeff
Personally, I am of the opinion that if my naked body is the
worst thing homosexuals have to offer, then people have
nothing to be afraid of.
(Jeff Dauber) 
I hate everyone until I meet them, then I either like them or
pity them.
(Jeff Dauber) 
Some of us learn to stand the heat; others try to extinguish
the fire.
(Jeff Dauber) 

Davies, Brent
Male “banana”‘s ass is valued high by white gay men. The
reason for that are two folds.
(some bigot on soc.culture.china) 
Hateful diatribe. *Wonderful* malaprop.
(Brent Davies) 
I am SICK–incurably SICK–of listening, listening, listening
to homophobes– both strayt and *not*, mind you, since (as we
know) closeted ‘phobes can be especially vicious–telling me
over and over again in endlessly inventive ways how *bad* I
am, how *unworthy* I am, how *immoral* I am, how *unsuited* I
am, how *unrealistic* I’m being, how *much* I’m expecting,
how *little* I’m giving, how *disgusting* I am, how *sinful*
I am. And I–yes, *I*–so sorry to be selfish here–get
*nowhere* as far as my personal rights go. So I’m through
with passive listening as a sole strategy, it’s just that
simple. Sure I’ll listen. But this time around, the fists are
up too; listening is now something I reserve exclusively for
nice people, and Perot does NOT strike me as one.
(Brent Davies) 
So: you act however you want to. There is no “gay” way to
act. Don’t let the old stereotypes fool you: we’re as diverse
as the stars.
(Brent Davies) 
The reality is, gay people’s behavior is a *continuum* with
an infinite number of varieties, as many as there are gay
people. Somewhere in that continuum is you. And only *you*
can say where that is.
(Brent Davies) 
Nothing is an accident. The broad game plans of our lives
were set up by us ourselves in the in-between time, expressly
to afford ourselves the opportunities necessary for learning
the very lessons we needed most to learn next. That’s why
it’s so important that we learn them: after all, in learning
them, we’re only doing what we already want most for
(Brent Davies) 

Davis, Jed
Bullying people around *is* a social skill.
(Jed Davis) 
[objecting to an html posting:] this is a text-only
(David Gartner) 
There was a text/plain part in that post’s
multipart/alternative. In a singular display of aptness, it
was empty.
(Jed Davis) 

De, Swardt Moira
Have you been taking Moira’s lessons on How To Make A
Universal Pronouncement?
(Mike Reaser) 
Discount on this particular course, for one week only. E-mail
me privately. 🙂
(Moira de Swardt) 

Dean, Gwendolyn
What’s at work is not homophobia but heterophobia. An
emasculated male population has great difficulty relating to
the new assertive female.
(Elazar Somebody) 
Yippee, success at last!
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
I can’t wait until the full-fledged invasion, and people
refer to the violent/threatening flamewars as “the good ole
(Nick Jacobi) 
These are the good ole days.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
How can one speak of postmodernism monolithically? Especially
since wasn’t it first an art/architecture term that got
spread out to other things?
(Ilona Koren-Deutsch) 
I lost track of it as soon as it began to spread. I have no
idea what my students are talking about when they start
waffling on about the “post-modern” situation and the
complexities of “post-modern” identity. As far as I can tell,
we were pretentious and self-absorbed in college, too, we
just had a different word for it.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
When I started grad school, Matthias wasn’t quite 2. We used
to amuse ourselves teaching the baby grad student vocabulary.
“Matthias, say ‘hegemony.’ Say ‘ideology.’ Say ‘post-modern,’
‘post-structural,’ ‘polyvalent.'”

The results of this were demonstrated when he was abou 2-1/2.
This little voice pipes up from the back seat of the car…

“Mama, Post-Modern and Post-Structural were at the top of a
very, tall building doing something.”

“Well, what were Post-Modern and Post-Structural doing at the
top of the very, tall building?”

-{long pause}-

“Mama, no one knows…”

-{another pause}-

“But we think it had something to do with sour cream.”

We all thought he should just skip kindergarten and go right
into a Ph.D. program in literary criticism.

He’s become much less theoretical; now his favorite phrase is
“imperialist scum.”

(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
So, lemme get this straight. Women who want to recover from a
sexual attraction to men can use homosexuality to recover?
(Snert Master) 
Worked for me.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
The typical faggot gets to kill five people before being
punished for it? That’s cool! Wherever do I start?
(John Dorrance) 
I have a list.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
Clay, who would love to see Crucifix Peeps
(Clay Colwell) 
Bite they tiny heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
I’m a fusspot; I don’t believe in “art” or “porn” or
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
How about from this point forward we ALL make a concious
effort to not label everyone.
Nope, I -{heart}- labels.
Me BigMeanDyke, you SillyHetBigot.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
North Korea is the arms merchant to the world.
(John McGinnis) 
I thought the USA was the arms merchant to the world.
(Robert Coren) 
The other world.
(Corry Wyngaarden) 
Q: President Bush, how do we know Iraq has weapons of mass
A: Because I kept the receipts.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
Backlash is a sign of progress.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
It won’t help us to let bigots dictate our agenda.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
I’m still a toddler at heart — “no” and “mine” are my
favorite concepts.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 

Deily, Ned
In this medium, as so often elsewhere, dignity is given away,
not taken away: it is far easier to retain than reclaim.
(Ned Deily) 
I was in a difficult position last evening, and having
thought about it decided that motss might be a good place to
Jojo soliciting technical advice on positions is like
Leontyne Price asking a sixth-grade music class for advice on
the fine points of singing “O patria mia”.
(Ned Deily) 
Big Macs have *two* pieces of meat. But Ned and Vadim
provided the sesame-seed buns and the Special Sauce, hold the
(Brian Kane) 
Does that combo come with Kenji on the side?
(Darren Cobb) 
Eye object.
(Ned Deily) 
}-David Horne:
}-}-Jess Anderson:
}-}-}-David Horne:
}-}-}-}-Robert S. Coren:

}-}-}-}-}-I dunno — for me, at that point, da trill is gone.
}-}-}-}-Musical puns aren’t my forte. 😉
}-}-}-||: ad lib :||
}-}-The minimalism newsgroup is over there —————–}-
}-I see it, but through a Glass, darkly.
Overheard on the radio yesterday: following one of those
annoying tests of the Emergency Alert System (or whatever
it’s called these days) complete with chirps and buzzes, the
announcer ad-libbed: “This concludes this test. Music by
Philip Glass.”
(Ned Deily) 
Minneapolis received close to 20 cm yesterday.
(Ned Deily) 
It must have been some of that Canadian metric snow.
(John Gintell) 
It was mostly white and very polite.
(Ned Deily) 
Tonight [Feb 2] is the night we’re seeing _Salome_, which
prompts me to wonder: What does it signify if Jochanaan
emerges from the cistern and sees his shadow?
(Robert Coren) 
Sixty more minutes of elektrafying opera?
The Dance of the Kevin Vails?
Another way to get ahead?
(Ned Deily) 
And a discount on a Happy Meal at a MickeyD’s on the
(Ned Deily) 
I’m pretty sure Champ’s Elyse’es are spoken for.
(Scott Safier) 
Scott is from Venus,
Champs de Mars.
(Ned Deily) 
I didn’t [see meteors]. And I looked at 12:30+ and then again
at 2:45+. And it was clear. Browsing about with my new
binoculars, I did see a lot of stars I hadn’t noticed before,
and Jupiter, but no falling stars.
(Ellen Evans) 
But you’ve met a few.
(Ned Deily) 
So who were the original inhabitants of the Falklands?
(Robert Coren) 
(Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen) 
Redhatted Debian Penguins named Mandrake and Suse.
(Ned Deily) 
Ars lingua, vita brava.
(Ned Deily) 

Dekker, Kay
I think the strangest (or, perhaps, at least the most
inappropriate) conversation I’ve ever had during sex with
anyone was a long discussion (punctuated by the obvious
noises) of analytic means of setting a bound on the primality
of generalised Fibonacci numbers.
(Kay Dekker) 
My friend Kate has just been telling me about “gender
dysphoria” — the state of not enjoying being the sex that
you are born with. I guess I’ve got “gender euphoria”. I
think I’ll put that on a T-shirt or something.
(Kay Dekker) 

Donahue, Bob
Crediting Gore with the success of the Internet is like
crediting Taft with the success of the automobile.
(Bob Donahue) 

Donley, Roger
How old were you when “they” got you? What did “they” do?
(Gail @ Wizard) 
“They” had me circumcised when I was just a few days old. It
hurt so bad — I couldn’t walk for a year!
(Roger Donley) 

Dorrance, John
The most important thing about fashion is frightening people
with it.
(John Dorrance) 
I’d say virginity is another pointless black-and-white
morality judgement imposed upon us by the Moral Majority and
their ilk.
(John Dorrance) 
[On virginity:] Sex is a *huge* topic; do you think it can be
summed up in just *one* “experience?”
(John Dorrance) 
Fundies have more time to waste sitting around calling phone
polls over and over again than do most other real people, who
have friends to phone instead.
(John Dorrance) 
[Of the epithet “breeder”] We know it’s a hurtful word, and
we kinda wince to use it because we know we’re stooping to
the same level as our oppressors, but it’s sometimes the only
way for us to vent our rage because you can’t kill a
kneebiter with a ground-to-air missile.
(John Dorrance) 
Don’t sweat it. You’re able to have a kid without being a
breeder, just as I’m able to knit without being a sweater
(John Dorrance) 
They also have no problem with beating us up with clubs.
Would that make it right for us to do it to them? I, for one,
prefer to hold myself to a higher standard.
(Andrew Solovay) 
I’ll remember that at your funeral.
(John Dorrance) 
“Wake me when you’re done” is probably better than “is it in
(Jack Hamilton) 
Or “Hurry up! It’s almost time for _Bewitched_!”
(John Dorrance) 
I’m co-independent: I need someone around to ignore.
(John Dorrance) 
* Keep usenet in a cool, dry place inaccessible to children
when not in use.
* Usenet causes lung cancer, heart disease, emphysema, and
may complicate pregnancy.
* Do not operate a motor vehicle while under the influence of
* Do not expose usenet to direct sunlight.
* Sift usenet with 1 tbsp. baking soda, and set aside.
* Turn clicking dial to dispense small amount of usenet.
Multiple clicks may be necessary for first use. Apply thin
layer to underarm. At extreme temperatures usenet may
temporarily haze, but performance will not be affected.
* If used to clean ears, stroke usenet gently around the
outer surface of the ear, *without entering the ear canal*.
* First clean surface dirt and makeup from skin with email.
Apply usenet to face avoiding eyes and leave 10-15 minutes.
Gently peel away usenet. Use usenet 2-3 times a week.
* Usenet contains small parts! Choking hazard!
* Pinch the tip of usenet to create a reservoir, then unroll
down the shaft of erect penis.
* Use of usenet without following these directions voids the
warranty. Manufacturer is not responsible for injury or death
caused by improper use of usenet.
(John Dorrance) 
I’m just a lot better looking than *him*.
(Mike Lane) 
Okay, so you’re remarkably good-looking for a dead frog. It’s
just that lots of people don’t go for that.
(John Dorrance) 
If you want to know what the piece was about, just ask.
There’s a big wide world out there you might enjoy learning
(Steven Levine) 
No, we play by *my* rules here Steve.
(Mike Lane) 
Oh, honey, you’re the only person here playing by these
rules. That we have any kindness for you whatsoever is a
“there but for the grace of a brain go I” thing.
(John Dorrance) 
I think the risk of addition — which will lead to long term
*a*buse — makes heroin much less safe than alcohol.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Math is hard, let’s go drinking.
(Dvora Silberman) 
I’m used to people who do math *while* drinking.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Don’t drink and derive.
(John Dorrance) 
If nature abhors a vacuum then explain the space between my
(Mike Lane) 
It’s filled with the amniotic fluid for the alien fetus that
ought to be bursting forth from your skull sometime in 2009.
(John Dorrance) 
As usual, I’m in a puddle.
(Mike McKinley) 
If you behaved, I would change you more often.
(John Dorrance) 
I could never take a man named after part of a beer can
(John Dorrance) 
I could never take a man named after one of my favorite soft
drinks seriously.
(Katie Schmitz) 
How about a man named after a potty?
(Clay Colwell) 
Or a man whose name is mud?
(John Dorrance) 
You can make it up to me when we meet, around the the middle
of next month, if all goes according to my developing travel
(Jess Anderson) 
*WHAT!* Oh, must I gird my blue-veined loins yet again!?
(Mike McKinley) 
I think support hose counts as girding.
(John Dorrance) 
I am not ironic at all. I am pathetically heartfelt and
(Tim Wilson) 
You nauseating bag of treacle! Get away from me before I am
forced to kick a dog in your presence!
(John Dorrance) 
Darling, I’m always in rehearsal.
(Mike McKinley) 
Well, maybe someday you’ll get it right.
(John Dorrance) 

Drayton, Mike
Denying the value of sensitive, non-injurious speech and
writing by calling it “politically correct” (attempting
thereby to identify it with a party-line repression of free
speech) is merely an expression of the desire to go back to
the “good old days” when privileged types could make fun of
others with impunity. Screw that. I’m retraining myself.
(Mike Drayton) 

Duddy, Keith
I’ve just spent a significant portion of my day reading an
ethernet terminal server manual, and was vaguely amused to
see that they have a feature called Camp-on (allows you to
wait on a port until it’s no longer being used.) However it
got more amusing when I read the configuration example:
strip-record: raw direct_camp_on=always
1-3,8@ I’ve seen some drag acts like that…
(Keith Duddy) 

Dyer, Steve
Madonna is interesting only insofar as she appropriates
earlier images, feeding them to a new generation who
(mistakenly) sees them as her own.
(Steve Dyer) 
Madonna has a fair chance of becoming the Debbie Harry of the
21st century.
(Steve Dyer) 
It’s time for you to aspire to something higher than getting
in touch with your inner charge card.
(Steve Dyer) 
I really have to step in and state the obvious, namely that
*we* (the over-the-hill gang and those rapidly approaching)
are the wave of the future. [The young ones] will become old
farts like us in a remarkably few years, tender chickens
suddenly turned to tough old hens, destined to lecture to
those too fresh ‘n clean to appreciate that they’d been there
before as well. Just wait for the 25th anniversary of
(Steve Dyer) 
You’re like someone ranting and raving about how awful it is
to be tall, and the shit that you get because of it, while
directing your vituperativeness towards short people. Is it
any wonder that you’re being tarred as a looney-tune?
(Steve Dyer) 
They [homophobic postings] hold no resonance for me, unlock
no bogeymen, arouse no fears or revulsion, just a weird kind
of pity for the perpetrators.
(Steve Dyer) 
I’ll tell you one type of person I don’t respect: someone who
thinks they know better what I want than I do.
(Steve Dyer) 
Try reading for content. You’ll be amazed at the distinctions
you will be able to draw.
(Steve Dyer) 
I just heard on NPR that The New Republic now has an openly
gay editor, Andrew Sullivan! Has anyone heard more about
(Ron Rizzo) 
It’s only a year or so old. Wake up and smell the latte.
(Steve Dyer) 
I’m not old enough to have a beard. I’m old enough to shave,
but I lack the testosterone necessary for a full beard.
(Nelson Minar) 
That’s what regular, er, injections are for, young fellator.
(Steve Dyer) 
The proper response to “Well, have you ever *seen* any of
Fellini’s movies?” is not “Well, have you ever *seen* any of
River Phoenix’s movies?”
(Steve Dyer) 
Your condescending tone and didactic manner demonstrates your
lack of knowledge.
(James Scutero) 
And you are a raving lunatic, the electronic equivalent of a
bag lady, who will never let facts get in the way of your
rant. Shouting louder and longer only serves to reinforce the
(Steve Dyer) 
The horror! The *HORROR*!
(George Madison) 
By George, I think he’s GOT it!
(Steve Dyer) 
What precisely is it I *have*?
(George Madison) 
Creeping maturity.
(Steve Dyer) 

Dykes, Ken
Oh yes! Bring on the DARPAnaughts! The evil zombie warriors
of the Pod People. Quite frankly i think it has reached the
point where FAR TOO MUCH BANDWIDTH has been wasted on these
people. Can we ignore them now? Clues are far too valuable to
repeatedly waste on those who won’t take them.
(Ken Dykes) 
[In .sig:] Gay and proud of it!
(Dave Beals) 
After a few years when perhaps, maybe, you have swallowed
some of your pride you may come to realize being proudly gay
does not make you identical in either gayness or pride. Gay
is an attribute, not a whole.
(Ken Dykes) 
In 11 years I’ve lived in the US, I’m yet to meet an American
who knows three languages near as well as I know English.
(Jose Raneda) 
Perhaps instead of being technically proficient at three
languages, you’d do well to learn how to communicate in one
of them. And, if in *eleven* years you haven’t met an
American who is very proficient in three or more languages I
can either assume that a) Americans tend to not want to meet
you or b) they chose not to boast about their knowledge.
(Ken Dykes) 

Eastman, Steve
Be careful of the closeness of the signs LUNCH and LESBIAN.
If you sign, “I’m hungry, let’s eat lesbians”, you should be
sure that’s what you meant.
(Steve Eastman) 

Eigen, Colburn
What little I have read of these two [the New Republic’s
Morton Kondracke and Fred Barnes] is sufficient to grieve the
trees that had to be sacrificed for the paper to print their
(Colburn Eigen) 

Eighner, Lars
More important, how is that other person [an anonymous sexual
partner] possibly able to satisfy any of your emotional
needs, considering they haven’t the slightest idea who you
are emotionally?
(Nick Jacobi) 
Most of them know a hard-on when they see one.
(Lars Eighner) 
Too many catchers, not enough pitchers.
(Jack Hamilton) 
The story of my life …
(Lars Eighner) 

Elliott, Alex
Is there such a thing as an impersonal vendetta? What form
would it take? “I’m out to get that guy over there, whoever
he is!”
(Alex Elliott) 
The central point is that [circumcision] is unnecessary and
it is harmful.
(David R Simpson) 
Given the fervor with which you’re pursuing this, one almost
gets the impression that if you can only convince everyone on
soc.motss that circumcision is bad, your foreskin will grow
(Alex Elliott) 
Ithaca thinks that it’s already part of NYC.
(Melinda Shore) 
But if this were true, how would you define “upstate New
(Scott Safier) 
Everything north of 23rd Street.
(Alex Elliott) 
(Josh Simon) 
What *does* this mean?
(John Fisher) 
Horribly Taloned Harpies. It’s an attempt to capture the True
Spirit of soc.motss.
(Alex Elliott) 
I think Alex should learn the virtue of patience.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Only if I can learn it *right now*!!
(Alex Elliott) 
The quantitative revolution has lead investigators to run
around quantifying all kinds of things they have no bizness
(Eric Holeman) 
That statement is 83.2% +/- 0.6% wrong.
(Alex Elliott) 
Does anyone know of a place called “Mirage” down in Curacao?
Does it still exist?
It never has, but it still seems to.
(Alex Elliott) 
I wonder what has become of all of our vapid Circuit Boyz.
Maybe their EKG flatlined.
(Mike Thomas) 
They have a collective EKG?
(Clay Colwell) 
Yup: Ecstasy, Ketamine, and GHB.
(Alex Elliott) 
Unfortunately, neither Ron nor I have had sex outside, either
before or after we met. We *would* like to do it outside,
(Edgar Lawrence) 
Why not do it then? It’s not like it’s difficult to find the
outside — there’s quite a lot of it.
(Alex Elliott) 
You people don’t annoy me as much anymore. Kinda like
asparagus I think … an acquired taste.
(Mike Lane) 
Yeah, but does soc.motss make your pee smell funny?
(Alex Elliott) 
Anyway, Ellen and Anne were one of the more visible couples
in the gay community.
(Dennis Lewis) 
Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. The whole thing is *just* like
Bob & Rod Jackson-Paris except with smaller breasts.
(Alex Elliott) 
No vegetarians here. Nothing to see. Move along, move
(David Morck) 
Hey, we can’t be herded like cattle; we’re vegetarians!
(C.L. Lassiter) 
So are cattle.
(Alex Elliott) 
The Bulgarian Boyfriend claims that the Bulgarian aphorism
used to express the same wisdom as “give an inch and they’ll
take a mile” can be translated as “a dick has no shoulders”
(i.e., once the head is in, there’s no stopping the rest of
it). Apparently it rhymes in the original Bulgarian.
(Alex Elliott) 
If there’s any part of your wardrobe that deserves
extravagance, eyeglasses have got to be it. After all, if
eyes are the windows to the soul, eyeglasses must be the
window treatments of the soul.
(Alex Elliott) 
I once taunted a Candadian cow-orker for coming from a
country that put a moose on its money. He got a stricken look
on his face and wailed, “But that’s the Queeeen!!”
(Alex Elliott) 
How “Big Brother” of him.
(Frank McQuarry) 
That’s kind of sexist. I prefer “Sizeable Sibling”.
(Alex Elliott) 
Discord in concord.
(Mike McKinley) 
Sour grapes.
(Alex Elliott) 

Elliott, Frank
I’m sorry that your gay friends were shallow. Yet, if your
conversations are anything like your posts, its no wonder
that more thoughtful people won’t spend time with you. I’m
not encouraged that any of this will change your mind.
Perhaps your ignorance is invincible.
(Frank Elliott) 
Is it possible that the AIDS Walk will result in enough new
cases of HIV and AIDS to consume all the funds generated by
the event?
(Don Saklad ) 
You’re free to follow your extremely risk-averse philosophy.
If you’re so afraid of HIV, why don’t you fuck yourself.
After all, it is the ultimate in safe sex. You reduce the
possibility of transmission of HIV infection to zero.
(Frank Elliott) 
[Diana Ross] was frisked by a female security guard at
Heathrow. When the guard touched her breasts she became irate
and grabbed the guard’s breasts and asked her if she liked
it. Some British tabloid titled the story “Tit for tat,” but
my straight brother, who is too clever for words, dismissed
the whole incident as a “tempest in a b-cup.”
(Frank Elliott) 

(Manuel Campagna) 
Why don’t you take this to the “one-upmanship” or “I’m a
narcissistic self-centred asshole” newsgroup?

Evans, Ellen
Is there a gay equivalent to high yellow?
(Joseph Canale) 
Roy Cohn?
(Ellen Evans) 
I’m a masculine guy; I like being a masculine guy.
(Mike Lane) 
Jeeves, how ’bout some masculine toast and some masculine
butter for masculine Mr. Lane?
(Eric Holeman) 
-{deep voice}-
Right away, sir!
(Ellen Evans) 
Honey, I was making [beignets] in high school. Back when
Jeeves was still in butler school.
(Mike McKinley) 
One doesn’t go to school. One is born to it.
(Ellen Evans) 
… the Catholic Church’s hippocracy …
(Scott Safier) 
So Caligula wasn’t the only one?
(Ellen Evans) 
I don’t know why I bother using quotation marks, since nobody
apparently nobody sees them.
(Robert Coren) 
Add some commas. That should do the trick.
(Ellen Evans) 
Y’know, girlenes and boylenes, I wanna learn how to play mah
jongg in my impending golden years.
(Mike McKinley) 
(Ellen Evans) 
He’s assuming he’ll one day make the transition from
tarnished to golden.
(John Dorrance) 
One day?
(Ellen Evans) 
I’ll send every word I ever want to use in the future to you
both to vet.
(Ann Burlingham) 
I’m waiting.
(Ellen Evans) 
Now will you shut up?
(Ann Burlingham) 
I didn’t approve that.
(Ellen Evans) 
Okay, so there are varying degrees of spelling skill. What’s
the justification for the spelling flame again?
(Tim Wilson) 
If done well, it can be amusing.
(Ellen Evans) 
Is not the same true of poor spelling?
(Scott Safier) 
It’s all gud.
(Ellen Evans) 
Wasn’t Lucretia Borgia femmy?
(Katie Schmitz) 
Ask Ellen. I’m sure they’ve met.
(Mike McKinley) 
(Ellen Evans) 
We at the Self-Unawareness Crisis Desk
(Mike Thomas) 
(Ellen Evans) 
… without verifiable, factual data is foolish.
(Nick Fitch) 
Define “verify”. Define “factual”. Define “data”. Define
(Ellen Evans) 
First you define “deconstruction.”
(Nick Fitch) 
Using the Three Stooges as your contractor.
(Ellen Evans) 
The question was: cynical == bitter?
(Tony Rzepela) 
Answer: depends on how you define your terms.
(Ellen Evans) 
Jeeves, a Manhattan with just a dash of cynicals, if you
(Lee Rudolph) 
Ah, yes, the house specialty. Coming right up.
(Ellen Evans) 
Let them buy houses.
(Ellen Evans) 
Qu’ils achetent des maisons.
(Mike McKinley) 
(Lee Rudolph) 
Mon semblable!
(Ellen Evans) 
I don’t find an uninformed hatred a “principled position”
that I need to respect in any way.
(Ellen Evans) 

Evans, Robert-John
Why is it that when you have a partner, the whole world just
opens up its legs and invites you in?
(Robert-John Evans) 
One thing I don’t care about is if the person next to me in
the bar has something poppy-uppy between the legs. That would
just be plain silly.
(Robert-John Evans) 

EyeDrama, Kevin
One thing is certain: *whatever* you discern in the poem is
what it’s about.
(Kevin EyeDrama) 
Not if you’re stupid, it’s not.
(Kristin Bergen) 
I happen to believe that stupid people are at some advantage
here: they learn nothing about something while smart people
learn something about nothing.
(Kevin EyeDrama) 
Wiping mirrors with bunched newspaper makes them sparkle like
you wouldn’t believe. Mirrors are very important, you know…
(Kevin EyeDrama) 

It looks like I’m about to start going steady with someone
whose body metal weighs more than he does.
(Roger Phillips) 
You’ve started dating a mouse on a leash?
[Of Miss Joan Crawford:] What I noticed was that she looked
so *totally* *terrified*. She was using every technique she
had to keep calm and project togetherness, but the way she
stared into the camera… like a bunny in a headlight seconds
before being run over.
To me home is not rooms and places. It is the people I want
to be with.
Don’t tell me about cynical. Who cares anyway?
Getting lost for longer than 3 days above ground in the
Netherlands is quite a feat, but to call Sweden small? Keep
it quiet or Luxembourg will throw a hissy fit again, Andorra
will faint, Lichtenstein will freeze all your governments
assets and Monaco will send Princess Stephanie to you again,
but maybe now as a movie-star.
You haven’t lived until you’ve ….
(Gene Ward Smith) 
The number of things I am supposed to do before I have lived
is so staggering that I feel like admitting defeat and
continuing my present unliving existence. At the very least,
zombies seem to have very little performance anxiety and
great peace of mind.
What I’m having a big problem with here is the implication
that there are *rules* that are being *violated*.
(Greg Parkinson) 
If I said that anywhere, I retract it right now. But I don’t
think I did. I have always been aware of the difference
between law and etiquette.
Look people, I ain’t saying that we didn’t fall wholesale for
the beads, mirrors and trinkets when they landed on our
shores and were offered to us. I do wish we had been more
careful in separating the goods from the waste – or that we
at least had had a higher bodycount of consumed missionaries.
Unless he had an epiphany, a lobotomy, or a car-accident
scheduled to leave him comatose, I think [not ever to be
misogynistic] isn’t a promise a man in our society can make
and keep. You can promise to try.
My dog’s better than your dog, my dog’s better than yours.
(Ellen Evans) 
She most certainly is not.
(Melinda Shore) 
My dog can kick your dog’s ass.
(Greg Havican) 
My dog sells drugs to your obedience-school honor-roll
That being said, I really am more than a bit tired of this
whole topic [Catholicism] at this point.
(Brian Vogel) 
Shocker! Proponent of Starkly Homohating Institution Finds
Less Than Welcoming Attitude Amongst Homosexuals! Film at 11.

Faye, Howard Arthur
Today we learned that Greg Parkinson and Arne Adolfsen
graduated high school the same year that I did. I believe
Melinda did, too, and Mr. Cr*mer as well. (A) I think Jack
Hamilton graduated the year before us. (B) What a cohort!
It’s a bit like saying that Walter Lippmann, F. Scott
Fitzgerald, Babe Ruth and Clyde Barrow all frequented the
same speakeasy!
(Howard Arthur Faye) 
Fennel is not the same as fennel seeds.
(Tim Fogarty) 
This guy’s a real gourmette.
(Howard Arthur Faye) 
Specious arguments used in soc.motss to defend repulsive

+ Those who oppose me are just a vocal minority.
+ I met someone who is a member of -{aggrieved group X}-
and that person *agrees* with me!
+ Who are all of these self-appointed, self-righteous
critics anyway?
+ You’re all being too serious; you have no sense of humor.
+ Some of my best friends are members of -{aggrieved group X}-.
+ -{Member of aggrieved group X}- got what s/he deserved.
+ Those who oppose me are Nazis.
+ Everyone I’ve dated has is a member of -{aggrieved
group X}-
+ I have received oodles of e-mail supporting my position.

(Howard Arthur Faye) 

Feiertag, Robert
I just slept with a large pile of books. They never steal the
covers, either.
(Amanda Walker) 
Why should they? They have their own.
(Robert Feiertag) 
You say Carmina, I say Carmana,
You say Burina, I say Burana,
Carmina, Carmana, Burina, Burana.
Let’s Carl the whole thing Orff.
(Robert Feiertag) 

Fenton, David
I mean yeast is yeast, right?
(Charlie Fulton) 
And nest is nest…
(David Fenton) 
How does it feel to be one of the predictable people?
(John Whiteside) 
I just *knew* you’d say that.
(David Fenton) 
Today is the first chance to fuck up the rest of your life.
(Lars Eighner) 
I did that already.
(Bethany Ramirez) 
Tomorrow’s another day.
(David Fenton) 
I think Jess is suffering from “Madison is the center of the
universe” syndrome.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
It’s so much easier to recognize that when you’re posting
from L.A.
(David Fenton) 
Last night, I had a guy who made me wear tights and point my
feet while we did it.
(Mike McKinley) 
That’s what happens when you’re a butch top.
(David Fenton) 
Jeb Bush is very smart and well-educated, and extremely
(Dennis Lewis) 
He must take after his mother.
(David Fenton) 
Please. You *know* that witch carries a shiv in her clutch.
(Tony Rzepela) 
I like that in an old woman.
(David Fenton) 
Let’s just say that people look a helluva lot more attractive
after a coupla Cape Cods.
You do, too, dear.
(David Fenton) 
$7.50 tops here, $4.75 for seniors.
(Jess Anderson) 
My god, it’s completely impossible to find good tops here in
NYC, let alone for $7.50. Seniors are a dime a dozen.
(David Fenton) 
“The Tragedy of The Castro”
After having hanged out…
(Ezekiel Krahlin) 
That’s all noose to me!
(David Fenton) 
Back when gas was cheap (like 19.9 cents a gallon), I drove
all those roads.
(Jess Anderson) 
In your Model T?
(Mike McKinley) 
Prairie schooner.
(David Fenton) 
… arft museums …
(Jess Anderson) 
Things are going to the dogs around here.
(David Fenton) 
Where did “close, but no cigar” originate?
(Charlie Fulton) 
It’s from back in the days before sliced bread was the best
(David Fenton) 
Darling, I’m still young enough to dribble.
(Mike McKinley) 
They have antibiotics for that, you know.
(David Fenton) 
Still, if you are going to go looking for examples of overt
homophobia, you’re going to find that the Episcopal church
and its Anglican counterparts in the western world, at least,
are a whole lot better than many, but not as good as some.
(John Whiteside) 
They mean well. Sorry, but “means well” is not good enough,
not now, not in the future, and not ever.
(David Fenton) 
I usually notice what people are wearing and not much else.
(Gwendoyln Dean) 
I only notice that when it’s not much.
(David Fenton) 
Bunsen burners don’t work in my lab any more, they just sit
(Chris Ambidge) 
That’s what happens when you get older.
(David Fenton) 
????? ??? ??? ???? ????? ????????
???? ??? ???? ??? ???????? ????? ?? ???
??????? ???? ???? ?? ???????? ???? ??
???????? ??? ?????? ?????? ???? ??????
??? ???? ????? ????? ?
([some idiot googlegroups user]) 
!!!!! ! !!!!! !!!! !!!! !!!! !! !!!!! !!! !!!
!!!!! !!!!! !!!!! !!!! !!!!! !! !!!

(David Fenton) 

Fineman, Joseph C
Human beings, by their natural foolishness, impose artificial
(Joseph C. Fineman) 
The journal _Nature_ (371:563, 13 Oct. 1994) published a
description (accompanied by a beautiful color photograph) of
two male _octopods_ “engaged in copulatory behaviour”. They
were of different species.
(Joseph C. Fineman) 
The hapless interviewee said that he was worried about the
“intenduendoes” sent by gay people, especially when he’s
playing pool.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Could this be some sort of “reverse ellision”, in which the
initial “n” in “nintenduendo” is attracted to the preceding
indefinite article “a”, thus effecting a change from “a
nintenduendo” to “an intenduendo”?
(Michael Palmer) 
I suspect we are merely dealing with an incompoop.
(Joseph C. Fineman) 

Fisher, John
The royals have a rotten job and they do their best. At
bottom they’re nice folks, just like any other. We cling
frantically to any small evidence of their humanity, of their
just-like-us-ness. It’s a con, of course. Anyone who has more
than a few minutes’ acquaintance with them reports their
unbelievable arrogance and standoffishness. Forget to call
any one of them “sir” or “ma’am” and you’re dogshit. Even
amongst themselves they observe the rites of precedence,
bowing and curtseying like nineteenth-century Manchus. I
thought when you folk decided to go it alone, you dumped all
this nonsense. It was a good choice. Stick with it.
(John Fisher) 
I shall now return to my previous exercise (I mention this to
show more clearly the nature of my interest): determining who
would have been named Counsellor of State in place of the
Countess of Southesk in the spring or summer of 1943 had she
(the Countess of Southesk) not existed.
(Julian Lander) 
Stalingrad, Italy and then *this*. A hell of a year… 🙂
(John Fisher) 
I’m astonished when I read people here saying that the US is
weaker than it was. In relative terms, this can’t be true, it
seems to me. Yes, your economy is fairly screwed. But
everyone else’s is, too. The US looks across the world and no
longer sees a single power which it need treat as an equal.
You people rule the world. More than any nation, ever. The
person you choose as your leader will the most powerful human
being there has ever been. I’m not meant to say who I’d want.
It’s thought to be intrusive, especially for Brits (for some
reason) to do this. Too bad. If you rule the world, people
give you advice. I cannot bear to think of Bush, the warlord
of the Gulf, winning. His way of speaking, chaotic, vulgar,
mawkish and brutal, revolts me. His closeness to the
religious extremists is flatly terrifying. Nor can I think
what a President Quayle, the swaggering little brownshirt we
saw in the Vice-presidential debate, might do. Please,
please, think. And then vote. Please vote. Please.
(John Fisher) 
Someone once said that The Flag for Americans is like a kind
of inanimate monarch. If so, it has certain advantages over
the flesh-and-blood model. It’s far cheaper, for a start, and
doesn’t fill your newspapers with the doings of its
wretchedly tedious offspring and their bedfellows. It doesn’t
have an irritating voice and go fox-hunting. It doesn’t
surround itself with gay men at every level, and then
ferociously deny that one of its sons is gay himself. It
doesn’t get married to someone who calls the Chinese
“slanty-eyes” and insults people.
(John Fisher) 
Bigelow’s has three flavors I particularly like: “Lemon Lift”
which, astonishingly enough, is tea with built-in lemon (REAL
lemon) flavoring, “Plantation Mint” which is tea with a touch
of spearmint, and “Cinnamon Stick,” tea with cinnamon.
(George Madison) 
Jesus wept.
(John Fisher) 
We are all humans, we all know pain; it is not asking for
superhuman empathy to expect people to recognize the fact of
another’s pain and to require them to act accordingly. To
refuse to acknowledge someone else’s pain, to react with
exasperation and annoyance at an encounter with obvious
distress is to abscond from our common humanity.
(John Fisher) 
Giving help doesn’t mean dashing in and doing what seems like
a good idea to you. It means doing what the other person
wants. If what the person wants is for you leave them alone,
it means doing that.
(John Fisher) 
If you insist that you know what’s right for a person, you
are precious close to saying that their feelings aren’t real,
just because you don’t understand them. The next stop after
sentimentality is cruelty.
(John Fisher) 
Point: The work of a single person may be completely
brilliant; and/or it may contain completely unchecked red
herrings, started hares, castles in the air and bees in the
bonnet. The latter is almost inevitable when the single
person is surrounded by deference and sycophancy on every
occasion, and is so egotistical that every criticism is
treated as a personal attack.
(John Fisher) 
Let me quote from the Bylaws of Nottingham, 1350: “No manner
kerl ne villayn sal linger in the Woodes to beset honest
merceres ond clerkes on peyne that hir Coylons be cutt off.”
(John Fisher) 
All the Mediterranean expatriates I meet, their idea of a
party is a small gin, a few hands of bridge and the BBC world
Service. Lillibulero wafting from a hundred white kitsch
villas round the evening lentiscs. Waiting for death amidst
the stridulation of bored cicadas.
(John Fisher) 
Someone in one of the Scottish groups suggested that when
Scotland becomes independent we should adopt the muckle as
our unit of currency. Divided into 100 mickles, of course.
“In heavy trading, the dollar gained one mickle against the
(John Fisher) 
But, of course, members of the British royal family don’t
have gender as such. They are Princes or Princesses, and that
is sufficient.
(John Fisher) 
If you cut them, do they not bleed?
(Ann Burlingham) 
No, of course not. Members of the Royal Family do not have
bodily discharges of any sort.
(John Fisher) 
(Anonymous Motss Logger) 
Ah, I see. You are Margaret Thatcher.
(John Fisher) 
I think that, unless someone is doing me some positive harm,
it’s my job to put up with them, or go away. The alternative
is to grow into a bilious, cantankerous, dyspeptic old fart.
(John Fisher) 
Isn’t that why you’re here?
Well, there’s here, and then there’s not here.
(John Fisher) 
Vera incessu patuit dea.
(Mike McKinley) 
Vera’s always past it, dear.
(John Fisher) 
[Homosexuals are] totally promiscuous at heart, even if they
manage to convince other members of their community that
they’re “momogamous,” a term that simply cannot apply to
(Sister Bernadette) 
Well, that’s true enough.
(John Fisher) 

Fitch, Nick
[After the mourners at his funeral have eaten a cake that
contains his ashes:] Therefore the eulogist can say “There is
a little piece of Will inside all of us.”
(Will Parsons) 
What’s the big deal? A lot of people have had a little piece
of you inside them while you’re still alive…
(Nick Fitch) 
“We are not amused” is one of our most favored expressions.
Right up there with “That hurt.”
(Matthew Melmon) 
And “How much you charge?”
(Nick Fitch) 
If Christ-like behavior were suddenly made the basis by which
Christianity were conferred, the number of defrocked clerics
looking for new employment would collapse the welfare systems
of the western hemisphere.
(Nick Fitch) 
I have a couple of plain teeshirts with an unobtrusively
tasteful lavander lambda over the left breast. Every time I
wear them to the lab I get complimented on how cool it is to
have a shirt commemorating the famous bacteriophage, gene
library vector and DNA molecular size marker. I gave up
explaining what it meant and took to wearing teeshirts
commemorating The Wizard of Oz. *That* they understood.
(Nick Fitch) 
Keep peering deeply into our souls, Nick, and making those
incredibly perceptive comments — it’s what makes life more
than just a tiny soap opera on a poorly lit set.
(Buck Foss) 
I have no interest in observing your soul, Mr Foss. Amateur
proctology has never been a particular hobby of mine.
(Nick Fitch) 
I’m waiting for a Disney flick called “Snow White and the
Seven Deadly Dwarves”
(Mike Jankulak) 
Touchy, Feely, Gropey, Pokey, Sucky, Woody and Splat.
(Nick Fitch) 
The cafe of the Birmingham (England) museum and art gallery
contains a life-sized gilt statue of a rather cute, long-
haired, nude, winged angel with a simply gigantic wanger; his
wings spread in benediction over the crowds of tea- drinking
little old ladies and visiting school parties. I always liked
to sit at the table right next to it. There was something
strangely calming about eating sticky-buns in the shadow of a
10″ celestial knob.
(Nick Fitch) 
Mind you, I avoid No-Pecs-No-Sex hangouts on the grounds that
if the Almighty had wanted us to talk to the animals, He
would have given them something interesting to say.
(Nick Fitch) 
Do the guys [in space] masturbate and if so what do they do
with the ejaculate?
(Jake Coughlin) 
You’d think they would, but the space involved — in the
shuttle, at least is *rilly* *rilly* tiny, and it would be
difficult to do without everybody else knowing.
(Ellen Evans) 
Not necessarily. In space no one can hear you cream.
(Nick Fitch) 
If we got worked up every time some cracker with a dent in
his forehead from flattening one too many beer cans got all
fluttery and had to be given smelling salts because he’d
discovered he’d come within 50 yards of a homosexual, then
none of us would have time to destroy the American Family,
undermine Christian Values, write our notorious Agendas or
molest Innocent Children. I’m sorry, but we have to get our
priorities right.
(Nick Fitch) 
We’re all very neurotic here.
(Charlie Fulton) 
Speak for yourself. I am a crystal lagoon of calm girt by a
raging sea of commotion. I am as one of those young women in
the television advertisments who smile their secret smiles
zen-like in the chaos of life, whose spirits are still for
they know themselves and their panty-liners have wings.
(Nick Fitch) 
(Nick Fitch) 
As usual, wonderful writing. But it all seems a bit out of
proportion to reality, forcing me to offer the suggestion:
get over it.
(Greg Parkinson) 
For god’s sake, Greg, this is soc.motss. What sort of
conversations would we have if we went round getting over
things all the time?
(Nick Fitch) 
¡Diay mae! Lechero tuanis de las estrellas.
(Mike McKinley) 
“Oh Mary! I lust for the Tunisian with the small cigars.”
(Nick Fitch) 
The formal term for this doctrine is “spermatic economy.”
(Eric Bohlman) 
Isn’t that an economy where the share index rises to an
oscillating peak, has a brief burst of activity and then
collapses and orders pizza?
(Nick Fitch) 
L’Occitane, especially. Le Grande Gagaux.
(Mike Thomas) 
High Octane, especially the Big Gadget?
(Nick Fitch) 
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
((famous koan)) 
It takes two to clap. Doing it with one is just
appreciational masturbation.
(Nick Fitch) 
I dare say it’s fortunate that my white man’s burden [1] …
(%a ) 
You’d rather be my beast of burden?
(Ellen Evans) 
Is it not enough that I have already the strength of the
draught-horse, the stoicism of the ox, the patience of the
water-buffalo, the nobility of the camel and the genitalia of
the donkey, but now you want I should carry your bags too?
(Nick Fitch) 
I’m an old hand at being banged about in the middle of the
night. Occasionally by earthquakes.
(Nick Fitch) 

Flesher, Tom
A benighted adolescent in my neighborhood yelled “homo” at me
this morning, and I, remembering the etymology of
“homosexual,” thought: how ironic it is that this boy is
trying to reassure himself that I am something he would never
be by in effect shouting “same” at me.
(Tom Flesher) 

Foard, Lawrence C
Nothing scares a middle class bigot more than a possible
(Lawrence C. Foard) 
By refusing to acknowledge the existence of homosexuality,
schools shove heterosexuality down the throats of gay
children. Just because straights make up a larger proportion
of the population doesn’t mean you can have every single
second of everything dedicated to you. The schools already
teach a value system that results in 1/3rd of suicides being
gay teens. If anything is immoral…
(Lawrence C. Foard) 

Fogarty, Tim
Everyone is someone’s type. No one is everyone’s type.
(Tim Fogarty) 
I’m a lesbian trapped in a mans body. Me too.
(+two straight guys on Usenet) 
Perhaps you guys are lesbians simply because you haven’t met
the right man.
(Tim Fogarty) 

Foss, Sammie
Good sex is in the thighs of the beholder!
(Sammie Foss) 
Men have balls. Presumably lesbians don’t care for them.
Are you kidding? I have a whole trophy case full of ’em.
(Sammie Foss) 
People seem to act differently in person from their net
(Ken Rudolph) 
On the net, anyone can be a dog.
(Sammie Foss) 
The last shot of the day on a movie set is universally called
the “martini”, as in “the next shot will be in a glass”.
(Ellen Evans) 
Whereas, in deer hunting the first shot of the day is called
Jack Daniels.
(Sammie Foss) 

Foster, Harry
Here’s an interesting thought from the book: “The Destruction
of the European Jews” by Raul Hilber:
“The Nazi destruction process did not come out of a void; it
was the culmination of a cyclic trend. We have observed the
trend in the three successive goals of anti-Jewish
administrators. The missionaries of Christianity had said in
effect: you have no right to live among us as Jews. The
secular rulers who followed had proclaimed: you have no right
to live among us. The German Nazis at last decreed: you have
no right to live.
“These progressively more dramatic goals brought in their
wakes a slow and steady growth of anti-Jewish action and
anti-Jewish thinking. The process began with the attempt to
drive the Jews into Christianity. The development was
continued in order to force the victims into exile. It was
finished when the Jews were driven to their deaths. The
German Nazis, then, did not discard the past; they built upon
it. They did not begin a development; they completed it.”
Looking at this from a different angle:

(1) You have no right to live among us as gays:
America is a Christian republic, not a democracy.
— Howard Philips
(1992 address to the National Affairs Briefing)
There is a religious war occurring in this nation.
— Pat Buchanan

(2) You have no right to live among us:
Mr. Mabon [director of the conservative group
sponsoring Oregon’s Ballot Measures 9 initiative] said
the measure was not to have a witch hunt but rather “To
simply state that it is the government’s position that
homosexuality is abnormal and wrong.” He acknowledges
that the measure would discriminate against gays, giving
landlords the right to evict gay tenants, or employers
the right to dismiss gays.
— New York News Service article
“Anti-gay measure on ballot in Oregon”

(3) You have no right to live:
Oh, but we’re too progressive to let something like that
happen again! Aren’t we?

(Harry Foster) 

Fox, David
Wagner himself worshipped at Rossini’s feet.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Which is precisely where he belonged.
(David Fox) 

Fox, Nancy
Politics is not how you vote, it is how you live. It is not
how you choose, but how you think.
(Nancy Fox) 

Fulton, Charlie
Special Rights: Aspiration towards any social status higher
than marginalized clown; this being the very highest level
that even the most progressive strains of heterosexual
society will ever grudgingly grant the male homosexual. Most
social duties and responsibilities in the heterosexual
context are “special rights” in the homosexual context.
(Charlie Fulton) 
Putting off a cruise bar groper without doing the psycho,
crypto-socialized-het-guy-“DON’T-FUCKIN-TOUCH-ME” physical
lashing out kind of thing is easier than falling off a log.
Unless, of course, you’re a bit tetched.
(Charlie Fulton) 
Any ass in a cruise bar is mine to grab. You don’t want to be
groped, go elsewhere.
(Charlie Fulton) 
We’ve [GOP] got the Congress, pal. And our hold on it will be
even tighter after November 3rd. Then we’ll see who weeps.
(Timothy F. Mulligan) 
Let’s say this turns out to be true. As a gay person, how
could it possibly give you any satisfaction?
(Frank Swilling) 
More Republican assholes in Congress for him to tongue.
(Eric Holeman) 
Courageously working to create change from the inside.
(Charlie Fulton) 
If you think there is no reason to have a moral qualm about
abortion, just say so. Arne certainly has, to his credit;
none of this “Mary is so horrible for saying this thing
which, by the way, is true!” bullshit.
(John Whiteside) 
I’m with Arne.
(Gwendolyn Alden Dean) 
(Charlie Fulton) 
Some people aren’t actually interacting sexually with their
partners, they’re just utilizing them as animated blow-up
(sorry) dolls. I think we need a new category for that.
(Ayana Craven) 
Howzabout “men”?
(Charlie Fulton) 

Gadow, Gregory
A Nekkid Cowboy is only a Nekkid Cowboy if indeed the man
rides a hose and drives cattle for a living.
(Brian Kochera) 
Psst. Brian. Your Freudian slip is showing.
(Gregory Gadow) 

Garrett, Bruce
The important thing is that you are someone who can be
trusted, who treats the people you take into your arms
honorably and cares that they are better for having been
loved by you and not worse.
(Bruce Garrett) 

Gault, Doug
The only difference between a man and a machine is that a
machine is quiet when well oiled.
(Doug Gault) 

Geller, Joshua
Well, it is quite arguable that the creation of a universe is
the act of someone who shouldn’t be allowed to handle
firearms and sharp objects.
(Joshua Geller) 
Impeccability, a finely honed strategic sense, and an
intelligent application of personal ferocity beat out fear
and hate every time.
(Joshua Geller) 
Truly socially acceptable opportunities for rudeness are so
few that they should not be squandered.
(Joshua Geller) 

Giammarco, Steve
If common sense was so common then everyone would have it.
(Steve Giammarco) 

Gilliam, Jon
Maybe before we’re so eager to stand up for our rights as
white males, we should think about sitting down for our
(Jon Gilliam) 
I’m not sure that equality for all people is necessarily
brought closer by advocating treating everyone the same —
sometimes the pendulum needs to swing a bit back the other
direction before it comes to a rest.
(Jon Gilliam) 

Gilly, Daniel
We tend to see our own experiences as the normal process, so
we are often amazed that anyone could have taken a different
path. But when we do meet up, it’s always fascinating to
compare notes about the different ways to get there.
(Daniel Gilly) 
Falwell is a real asshole.
(John Allen Phebus) 
I, on the other hand, think he’s revolting.
(Daniel Gilly) 
It’s illegal to invent words with strange vowel combinations.
Anyone suspected of violation will be subpoenaed.
(Daniel Gilly) 

Ginn, Kerry
The combination drug therapy may indeed be the light at the
end of the tunnel. Perhaps we will know for sure within a
couple of years. However, both disease and warfare are likely
to strike futher generations as hard or harder than HIV
struck ours. I recognize important, recent medical
advancements in the field of virology, but I don’t think much
has been done towards the human meanness and stupidity that
has greatly elevated this pandemic.
(Kerry Ginn) 
Bumper sticker: Visualize Using Your Turn Signals
(Bob Boutwell) 
Austinites, for the most part, seem to suffer from a delusion
that a Law of Conservation of Turn Signals exists, thus that,
if they use ’em now, they won’t be able to use them later
when they *really* *need* to.
(Clay Colwell) 
Hey! It’s really tough to signal while you’re dialing.
(Kerry Ginn) 

Gintell, John
I’m right-oriented completely except for my hearing, which is
(Clay Colwell) 
How do you test for ear dominance?
(Ken Rudolph) 
It is the ear with more worms.
(John Gintell) 

Glover, Jay
A man and his son were at a petting zoo. He called, “Camaro
Neal.” “What have you Datsun?” His son replied “Either a
Lamborghini pig. Just don’t get in Volvo-ed.” “Nissan to me,
son. Your Mazda only one who can talk to me like that.” “I’m
sorry,” his son Saabed.
(Jay Glover) 

Goldstein, Howard A
To blame William Walton’s longeurs on Schoenberg is liking
blaming Jackson Pollack on Picasso.
(Howard A. Goldstein) 
Even Schoenberg admitted that there were plenty of good
pieces still to be written in C major.
(Howard A. Goldstein) 

Gollum, Brian
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and
will piss on your computer.
(Brian Gollum) 

Gorin, Amy
The acceptable response to homosexuality is not “It’s OK,
it’s not your choice,” or, even, “It’s OK, it *is* your
choice,” but rather, “So?”
(Amy Gorin) 

Graham, Jim
Society tends to forbid what it doesn’t understand and what
it doesn’t understand usually gets so screwed up that it
scares society into forbidding it.
(Jim Graham) 

Green, Billy
I defy anyone to propose a situation where it would work. If
you could, it would seriously weaken the rationale behind the
ban [on gays in the military], but as it is the whole thing
is just a shouting match.
(Matt Freivald) 
There is no rationale behind the ban. One cannot weaken what
never existed in the first place.
(Billy Green) 

Green, Tad
Sick of being a homosexual, give up that angry thing that is
living in you and you will heal.
(Johnny W.) 
Sick of being a bigot, give up that angry thing that is
living in you and you will heal.
(Tad Green) 

Griffith, Chris
Soc.motss is dead.
(Mack Therber) 
Don’t be silly. I spotted it on the subway just the other
day, seated in between Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa.
(Chris Griffith) 

Halat, Jim
You have understand art all by yourself. It’s not like
television, where you look at it and it explains to you what
you are looking at.
(Jim Halat) 

Halstead, Bill
I Googled around a bit, but the phone rang (I almost typed
(David Fenton) 
That would have been rong.
(Robert Coren) 

Hamilton, Jack
If people would only try to *really listen* and *really
think* about what people are saying and feeling there would
be better understanding between all people in the world.
(Naz Reyes) 
If people would only try to make themselves clear, consider
how what they say might be perceived by other people, and
eliminate ego from their postings, there would be better
understanding between all people in the world.
(Jack Hamilton) 
God, you really are a whiner. If I mispelled something, would
you also jump on that?
(Bob Sarver) 
Maybe he does have a sense of humor after all!
(Jack Hamilton) 
Is there something wrong with me?
(Lawrence Clarke) 
Yes. You’re letting other people define how you feel. If you
want to condemn drag queens and leathermen, do it because you
don’t like them, not because you’re afraid of what straight
people will think. And what’s it to you how other people
dress? They’re not making *you* wear little leather
jockstraps to the grocery.
(Jack Hamilton) 
When I’m waiting for a 35 Eureka, endless numbers of 24s pass
me by. Buses, like other things, come more slowly and less
frequently once they get past 30.
(Jack Hamilton) 
If the entire country has only two men and two women left,
then they have to inter-mate their spouses — if they still
want to continue the existence of human beings.
I think you could make a good case against inbreeding.
(Jack Hamilton) 
All I can add is this: when darkness closes in and jungle
creatures lurk all around, cats remain unperturbed but
(Brent Capps) 
Have you thought about entering the turgid prose contest?
Maybe you could win a spell checker.
(Jack Hamilton) 
There is but a single missing coma in all of this.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Really? I bet it induced comas in thousands.
(Jack Hamilton) 
I am a whore and my friend Boyd here is a slut. We are just
sitting here waiting for the phones to ring so we can send
out the troops.
What’s the difference between a whore and a slut? Is it that
after you’re finished you have the money to buy a new
sweater, and Boyd doesn’t?
(Jack Hamilton) 
[Of a homophobic murderer] Sounds like a case of justifiable
homicide. . .the guy was lied to, and made to look like a
By that logic, you should commit suicide.
(Jack Hamilton) 
Don’t you think Foss/Eye/Nick are rather witful and
articulate, even if intolerant to being pushed around?
(Kevin EyeDrama ) 
No. Noisy and opinionated are not the same as witty and
articulate. Think of Rush Limbaugh vs. Gore Vidal.
(Jack Hamilton) 
It was vitally important for you to make a rather inane and
malodorous response to something someone else had taken time
and patience to write and share.
(Buck Foss) 
“Malodorous”? Now hold on one minute! This has got to be one
of the most fragrant attempts at character assassination I
have yet seen, and I for one will not stand idly by and let
you reek havoc with Greg’s reputation. Anyone with an ounce
of scents nose that Greg is sweet, gentle, and kind, and for
you to say otherwise really stinks!
(Jack Hamilton) 
We are born alone and die alone.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
I don’t know about you, but when I was born, my mother was
(Jack Hamilton) 
It’s also so obvious that no rational person would say it
that way.
(David R Simpson) 
How on Earth would you know?
(John McGinnis) 
Maybe he has a friend.
(Jack Hamilton) 
Cocksucking is a revolutionary act.
(Jack Hamilton) 
Ah, ma chère! J’adore lardons!
(Mike McKinley) 
That’s an L, not an H.
(Jack Hamilton) 

Hamilton, Neil
What does a starving programmer look like? I’ve never met
(Neil Hamilton) 

Handler, Michael
I cannot fathom why other people take offense at things I do
not find offensive.
(Lars Kindem) 
I nominate this for The Stupidest Thing Ever Said On Usenet.
(Michael Handler) 

Hansen, Chris
It’s bad enough that my roommate is one of those
multiple-cereal-boxes- open-at-the-same-time people, so I
know they’re sitting there in the cabinet; all opened;
talking amongst themselves; conspiring against me …
If you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time to change the tinfoil
in my hat.
(Alex Elliott) 
I think you’ll find that a metal colander is more durable.
Plus, it allows you to contact the space aliens by sending
radio messages through the holes…
(Chris Hansen) 
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
I gave dictation while sitting on the toilet doing Quaaludes,
high with vision.
(Tim Wilson) 
I love to be dicked while squatting on the toilet during
Christmastide, Hi Season!
(Chris Hansen) 

Hansen, Robert
Equality means being accepted for exactly what we are.
(Michael Gay) 
I am:
a visible minority
a leatherman
an associate of drag queens
a feminist
a labour activist
in a non-monogamous relationship

This is exactly who I am, and I demand to be accepted on
those terms, and to be equal on those terms.
(Leith Chu) 
You’ve got it easy — I’m a registered Republican.
(Robert Hansen) 

Harris, Trey
It’s a bit hard to say goodbye to what has been, even when
what is to be is far better. A year ago, I was comfortable. I
did not have to worry about my parents calling me for another
shouting match about my sexuality. I didn’t have to contend
with explaining the birds and the bees to another relative
every time I turned around. A year ago, life was easier. But
today, I like who I am.
(Trey Harris) 

Hartikka, Peter
Doc Maarten’s are just the beginning.
(Steven Levine) 
Are those some weird new kind of Caribbean beach sandal?
(Peter Hartikka) 

Havican, Greg
Buck, somewhere along the line, claimed that English was not
his first language; I don’t think he ever said what was,
(Jess Anderson) 
Pig Latin.
(Greg Havican) 
Incest is best! It’s also relative.
(Greg Havican) 

Hazewindus, Pieter
Scariest sentence in the English language: “We’ll be in the
air momentarily.”
(Pieter Hazewindus) 

Hennahane, Mike
I never cease to get a chuckle when I read a personal ad that
says “straight acting.” I always think, “god, that doesn’t
sound like much fun, does it?”
(Mike Hennahane) 

Hereld, Sandy
I don’t like to spread gossip, but what *else* can you do
with it?
(Sandy Hereld) 
Just because I find you fascinating doesn’t mean I find you
(Sandy Hereld) 

Herrick, Graham
It’s important to study and understand what the Nazis did in
addition to trying to exterminate Jewish people. They also
had an entire anti-feminist program, they appealed to “Aryan”
folk culture, they outlawed abortion, they were violently
anti-queer, they promoted “family values”, they hated
immigrants, they lashed out against “obscenity,” they banned
artwork, and the list goes on. The funny thing is, most of
those things are also currently on the right-wing agenda in
the U.S. Gee, I wonder why?
(Graham Herrick) 
The “men’s movement” seems to be extremely reactionary to me.
Some men feel threatened by women asserting themselves —
they can’t handle it. They’ve controlled women for so long
that even the very small gains that women made in the 70s
frighten them to the core. So they all have to get together
and reassert their specific gender-role construction, i.e.,
masculinity (read: power). They do this by appealing to the
so-called “inner” roots of that socially-constructed gender.
They appeal to the “warrior within,” etc. Combine this
movement with the rise of the Christian rightists and the
skinheads, and the neo-fascists, and the family-values people
and all the other right-wing folks running around these days
and you have a strong movement there for pushing the U.S.
even further toward fascism. Of course Robert Bly would not
overtly talk about Nazism. Very few of these people do. The
family-values types don’t, the Christian fundis don’t. Many
rightists in the U.S. today don’t know how similar they are
to the Nazi propagandists. They are simply reacting to a
perceived (and delusionary) threat — but that’s exactly what
fascism and reactionary right-wing ideology are about! I
think George Orwell said: when fascism comes to the U.S. it
will be on a program of Americanism.
(Graham Herrick) 

Hicks, Shawn
If one truly needs to see an argument as to why finding a
cure for an epidemic is worthwhile, and why it is the
government’s responsibility to pioneer this effort, then the
point is lost on them anyway.
(Shawn Hicks) 
Some of my best relatives are Hicks.
(Shawn Hicks) 
There are no queerfolk in the military. Queerfolk don’t die
for straight freedoms. Rainbows aren’t welcome next to
American flags.
(Shawn Hicks) 

Holeman, Eric
The pink triangle is a strong symbol; stronger, I’m sure,
than the Nazis realized. They chose it intending the pink to
mean shame. Little did they know that we would hijack it;
never could they have thought that pink would become a symbol
of pride a thousand times stronger than the shame they tried
to force on us.
(Eric Holeman ) 
“Faggot” and “homo” have joined “queer” in my handbag of
reclaimed words. By the time I’m done, the bigots, unable to
get a rise out of me with queer or fag or homo or cocksucker,
will be reduced to screaming “You fan of show tunes, you!”
(Eric Holeman ) 
My apologies to all concerned. I shall endeavor to be more
careful with cross posting. However, as long as I’m posting

(+some idiot) 
Uh-oh. Shoulda quit while you were only slightly behind,
(Eric Holeman ) 
Do homosexuals deserve different rights than heterosexuals?
Of course not.
Very well. Have it your way, then, and write to your
congressperson and tell him/her that all the “different
rights” for heteros, like marriage, or being able to enlist
in the military, are absolutely unacceptable to you. Or do
the opposite, and urge him/her to allow us to enjoy the
rights that you do. But until that happens, do stop
blathering about how it doesn’t matter if you’re gay. It only
makes you look stupid.
(Eric Holeman ) 
How dare I get angry, simply because one straight male
getting AIDS is bigger news than all the thousands of homos
who are already dead. Thilly moi.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Like most, I’m sorry that Magic has contracted this deadly
disease. His family and wife have to be going through Hell.
But also like most, I have to say he brought this on himself.
(Kevin L. Wright) 
I’ve always wondered about people like this. I wonder if, for
fun, they might visit the funeral of someone who died of a
heart attack, and offer comforting words like, “Well, I’m
sorry Irving died, but you know he brought it on himself with
all those steaks he used to eat.” Or maybe something like,
“It’s just too bad about Linda, but you know, she was asking
for it, smoking those two packs a day.” Or even, “I’m so
sorry, but I did tell him he should have moved out of that
neighborhood before someone blew his brains out.”
(Eric Holeman ) 
Diversity via exclusion, as it were. I’ll have to file that
one away with fucking for virginity.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Either you have power or you don’t. Either you drool or you
don’t. If you beg even a little, it’s still begging.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Don’t tell me that you’re doing something valuable for me
when you’re quietly climbing your way to the top of the
straight ladder.
(Eric Holeman ) 
For every Leonard Matlovich, there are ten thousand Pete
(Eric Holeman ) 
You’re probably the sort who would have Dorothy arrested for
throwing water on the Wicked Witch of the West.
(Eric Holeman ) 
If that’s not clear enough, perhaps we should produce an
instructional coloring book for you.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Most straight people out there hate your guts. You or any
other faggot could drop dead tomorrow, and it wouldn’t bother
the straight people of the world one bit.
(Eric Holeman ) 
I really pity the homo who thinks the issue of his own
survival is just another debatable opinion.
(Eric Holeman ) 
I, for one, have no desire to convince Middle America that
liking homos will give their mouths sex appeal.
(Eric Holeman ) 
I gave a considerable amount of thought to the “Support the
Troops” thing, and came to the conclusion that what Frank
Sinatra sang about love and marriage is equally true about
war and soldiers: Ya can’t have one without the other.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Insofar as possible, I surround myself with pleasant,
tolerant, intelligent people. Life’s too short to spend it
with people who don’t like what you are.
(Eric Holeman ) 
I’ve never understood that about Republicans. Even when they
win, they manage to come off sounding like an oppressed
(Eric Holeman ) 
This may come as a surprise, but dishing is a
constitutionally protected right.
(Eric Holeman ) 
The right to be inoffensive to the hetero community is
something y’all can keep for yourselves.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Hell hath no fury like the drooling of a Republican in
anticipation of an electable Quayle replacement.
(Eric Holeman ) 
This approach only reinforces stereotypes of drug users as
losers who aren’t people until they give up the stuff. Better
by far to take a lesson from the queers and make no apologies
for who you are or what you do.
(Eric Holeman ) 
This led eventually to an innovation in manga known as
“YAOI”: “YAma nashi,Ochi nashi, Imi nashi” = “No Climax, No
Point, No Meaning.”
(Curious Yellow) 
Good thing I didn’t read this before I took that job in
Yamanashi prefecture.
(Eric Holeman ) 
The motss con is an excellent opportunity to discover the
human people behind the words.
(Danny Ingram) 
And all the others, too.
(Eric Holeman ) 
I never have liked culottes.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
How do you feel about sans culottes?
(Ann Burlingham) 
I generally prefer Sans Francisco and Antonio.
(Eric Holeman ) 
[A meteorologist] told him that DC is in fact very nearly the
most uncomfortable place on the planet in the summertime.
Apparently we have just the right combination of heat,
humidity, and pollution to make things dreadful.
(John Whiteside) 
I thought it would have something to do with all those
Republicans running around without leashes. Or muzzles.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Actually, I haven’t responded to anything you’ve said,
largely because your response to me was remarkably void of
(Eric Holeman ) 
Most of what I have to say to the church bigwigs and their
cheerleaders can be done with my middle finger.
(Eric Holeman ) 
So “bijzonder” is surely the same as the German “besonder,”
but I’m having no luck thinking what a Hoogleraar might be.
(David Fenton) 
It likely refers to the loud raar of the mighty Hoogle.
(Eric Holeman ) 
Let’s be honest, gay pride parades are just like any other
minority group’s attempt at recognition. and just like every
other group, when we march, all we do is confirm every single
stereotype that exists about our people.
((some idiot)) 
If you want to disprove stereotypes, go for it. I’m too busy
listening to showtunes and putting my laundry through the
swish cycle, myself.
(Eric Holeman ) 
It is theoretically possible for someone to be gay primarily
because of a traumatic childhood experience,
(Bill Lindemann) 
Isn’t that what causes heterosexuality?
(Eric Holeman ) 

Horne, David
I’m more interested in what I like, than in what I like the
(David Horne) 
The enemies of Esperanto see a threat in it.
(Manuel Campagna) 
Well, that small group aside, I suspect most people don’t
(David Horne) 

Hsu, William Tsun-Yuk
I think it’s important we are sensitive to how racism, sexism
and homophobia work differently from each other. The point is
not to pretend they’re all the same, but to form alliances
based on common ground.
(William Tsun-Yuk Hsu) 
For most bigots, the mere existence of gay people is
anti-social behavior.
(William Tsun-Yuk Hsu) 

Hunt, David
Being right and arguing fairly won’t convince the unwashed
majority. If you don’t say it first, say it loudest, say it
longest, and say it over and over and over again, don’t
expect anyone to remember that you’ve said anything at all.
It takes a thousand “Equal rights are *not* special rights”
to counter just *one* “Stop special rights for homosexuals.”
Government, law, and civil liberties have become just another
(David Hunt) 
Although the Constitution clearly protects the right to
prayer, I think it stops short of guaranteeing the right to
have your prayers answered. That would be Someone Else’s
(David Hunt) 
If your god is having transmission difficulties, perhaps he
should try fiber-optics.
(David Hunt) 

Huxtable, Kathryn
You might consider whether running roughshod over people’s
stated experiences and feelings is a good way to advance an
argument, if indeed you have one.
(Kathryn Huxtable) 

Ingebrigtsen, Lars Magne
If you prostitute yourself, you have to expect to get fucked.
(Lars Magne Ingebrigtsen) 

Ingram, Danny
Soc.motss in the morning: Linda puts the collar on her dog.
Jeremy puts the collar on Richard. God puts the collar on
Friar Hall. Everyone’s been collared and we’re all off to a
happy motss day!
(Danny Ingram) 
I know of no memorial that can or should bring tears to all
people at all times. Even as I shed tears at the Quilt I also
feel a rage to smash windows and strike faces. Perhaps that
is what is best about a true memorial to loss, it illicits
the pain, the numbness, and the rage that are all parts of
that experience of loss. I am not sad that you did not shed
tears. I am glad that you were so moved as to express what
you felt in writing. If only the politicians who add names to
walls could come down and feel as much.
(Danny Ingram) 

Isaacs, Paul
Spotted on the front page of the current “Peninsula Times
Tribune”: GAY SAILOR TO RESIST DISCHARGE. All I can say is,
“What control!”
(Paul Isaacs) 
Recently there’s been a lot of similar tantrum-throwing by
gay activists in the San Francisco Bay Area. It does have its
I’ll bet you would agree with the following statement, too.
“The people in L.A. shouldn’t be rioting, because it will
only give bigots reason to believe they are correct in their
prejudices.” I’m sorry sir. I’ve been sent to revoke your
cause and effect merit badge.
(Paul Isaacs) 
The New Year is upon us, and perhaps it is time for a kinder,
gentler _Splat Ex Splaticus_.
(Matthew Melmon) 
If the New Year weren’t upon us I’d take the time to point
out that “ex” is followed by the accusative, not the
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Probably just as well that the New Year is indeed hurtling
towards us, then, since you would have been wrong.
(Eamonn McManus) 
Ablative, accusative. Who can keep them straight?
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Nobody, of course. They are oblique.
(Eamonn McManus) 
Whenever I’ve got a new ex, it’s always followed by a
(Paul Isaacs) 

Jankulak, Mike
Triple pseudonym conspiracy theory #2: “Rex Wockner” =
“I’m-Bi-and-You-Are-Too-Dee-Too” = “Bagheera” They’re all
being remote-controlled by Spock.
(Kristin Bergen) 
Dr. or Mr.?
(Mike Jankulak) 
What is the point of seeking enlightenment if you’re not
annoying anyone in the process?
(Mike Jankulak) 

Jarvis, Brian
An early lesson in life: take control, not shit.
(Brian Jarvis) 
When someone mentions “the City” in my presence, I usually
interpret it to mean exciting Charlton, Ontario (pop. 200,
including cows). Anyone who uses expressions so vague
deserves to be misinterpreted on a biblical scale.
(Brian Jarvis) 

Jasper, Richard
These guys who look to be in their mid to late 50’s and seem
to have never done a sit-up or push-up in their lives are
suddenly showing up in the gym. It’s as if they are going to
do one or two workouts and really impress the babes on the
They’re gonna have the last laugh on you, sonny. Twenty years
from now they’ll be healthy, energetic 70 year olds, enjoying
a sunny retirement somewhere, and you’re going to be hip deep
in diapers or orthodonture, losing your hair and wondering
where those love handles came from. And some 20 year old
asshole will be wondering why old farts like you who can’t
get it up anymore bother to come into the gym.
(Richard Jasper) 
Why are Sprint PCS customer service representatives called
(Clay Colwell) 
Because they work for the Devil, of course.
(Richard Jasper) 

I think if there should be a men’s movement, it should be to
get in touch with the inner pig.
A friend should be someone you don’t have to prove things to,
and with whom you can be yourself, whatever that is. A friend
is also someone who should be able to tell you you are being
silly or brain-damaged or making poor decisions about
something without you being upset and offended, like when the
love of your life is taking you to the cleaners, and you are
completely blind to it.
Remember; you’re not just a man, you’re also a piece of meat.
As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being
gay is anti-social.
Remonstrate. Inculcate. Agitprop. Fake people out. Affront
their beliefs. Suck them, show them what good sex is, and
that it is everywhere.
It was interesting to be 21, but it got boring after about a
Oppression is a style, prejudices are its fashions. Things go
in and out of fashion, but styles rarely change. (I think
Rock and Roll style is more becoming on the whole; it works
well in the Netherlands.) Lesbigays sometimes are known to be
fashion victims, in all senses of the word. I would
characterize it as being a problem of Style Deficit Disorder
on everyone’s part.

Jones, Steve
I’d just like you to know that I’m withdrawing from
soc.motss, to find even more time to write my dissertation.
But don’t cry! I’ll be back. I’ll try to finish running
discussions by email. Tigran, wishing everybody the best of
luck now that you’re among yourselves again.
(Tigran Spaan) 
It has come to the attention of Cabal-SE that an opening is
available in soc.motss for the position of “whipping
individual.” Qualifications include:
– sexism;
– racism;
– an unflagging certainty that those who disagree are PC
– ability to quickly realize that soc.motss is a nasty
place filled with *mean*, *hateful* people;
– AOL account a plus.
If interested, please submit your application, including the
following info:
– SAT scores (ferriners submit equivalent);
– penis size (optional for non-male applicants);
– a brief explanation of why YOU should be the new person
of whippingness on soc.motss.
Thank you for your time.
(Steve Jones) 
186,000 miles per second. It’s not just a good idea, it’s the
(+Bumper sticker) 
Anarchy — it’s not the law, it’s just a good idea.
(Steve Jones) 
Look at Melinda’s fantastically misrepresentational postings
about my boyfriend and make up your own mind.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
You misspelled “But she started it!!!!”
(Steve Jones) 
Most American “individuals” think that a clear TV feed is the
most important thing that might ever happen to them.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
The cretins!!!!!!
(Steve Jones) 
Music is dead, long live pop.
(Steve Jones) 
And what is the collective name for people from Atlanta?
(Tim Wilson) 
(Steve Jones) 
Usenet is not a gadget. Usenet is not a toy.
(Tony Rzepela) 
Do not taunt usenet.
(Tim Wilson) 
Please do not feed the usenet.
(Scott Safier) 
Do not look directly at usenet.
(Steve Jones) 
Keep your hands inside your post at all times.
(Scott Safier) 
Don’t run with usenet.
(Clay Colwell) 
I wish I had a copy of the sign in the San Diego Zoo that
lists all the two dozen things one is not supposed to do to
the animals.
(Robert Coren) 
Please do not annoy, torment, pester, plague, molest, worry,
badger, harry, harass, heckle, persecute, irk, bullyrag, vex,
disquiet, grate, beset, bother, tease, nettle, tantalize, or
ruffle the usenet.
(Vadim Temkin) 
Do not fold, spindle or mutilate the usenet.
(David Fenton) 
Usenet sold by volume, not by weight.
(John Dorrance) 
Do not take usenet except under doctor’s instructions.
(David R. Simpson) 
Side effects may include persistent diarrhea of the mouth,
hair loss and a specific type of birth defect.
(Steve Jones) 
Any use of usenet will increase the amount of disorder in the
universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the
consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to
the heat death of the universe.
(Whitney J. Fraser) 
You must be this tall to ride usenet.
(Tim Wilson) 
You must be at least this bitter/disaffected to read this
(Steve Jones) 
Circumcision: the butchery forever in search of a
(Mike Lane) 
Circumcision: the hyperbole forever in search of something
else to obsess over.
(Steve Jones) 

Junikka, Jari
When I use the word “breeder,” I do not do it to slander
people with children. I call in question of the societal
requirement of procreation. I use it defy the notion that my
human worth is measured in the number of offspring I produce.
I use it defy so-called family values of those who hold the
unborn sacred, but let the living suffer from hunger,
inadequate (or as it is more and more often, no) health care
and place the life of a woman secondary to that of a mass of
cells unable to survive outside the woman’s body.
(Jari Junikka) 
I use the word “breeder” to insult people who wrap themselves
in the cloak of heterosexuality in order to show off the
supremacy of their “life style” over mine or use it as a
protection against AIDS. The breeders of this world have seen
fit to produce offspring, but deny them them a chance to
develop a positive self-image by erasing the lives of my
sisters and brothers from textbooks, school education in
general, media and so on. So many brothers and sisters die in
vain because the breeders are against safer sex education,
which would “promote promiscuity.” I say we should be
promiscuous, we should enjoy sex and stop breeding. If our
planet is to survive, we need to stop procreating.
(Jari Junikka) 
I don’t think our goal in life should be to get through it
without offending people. Of all the people I respect, I most
value those who have guts to speak the truth, no matter who
it offends or how unpopular it is.
(Jari Junikka) 
The idea that people are misinformed, but decent, does not
(Jari Junikka) 
So it’s wrong to try to change something what you find
objectionable? Good luck for getting your civil rights before
the sun cools down.
(Jari Junikka) 

Kane, Brian
At least vanity shows you’re still among the living.
(Jess Anderson) 
Why did I read this as vacuity?
(Michael McKinley) 
My Inner Armchair Psychologist tells me you were projecting
your Rectal Hospitality onto Jess’s words.
(Brian Kane) 
Oooooh, Astroboy, I’m a Taurus.
(Mike McKinley) 
Astronomical, astrological, or anatomical?
(Brian Kane) 
[The Leonid meteors] should return in another 31 to 35 years.
I’m already trying to squeeze them into my 2034 calendar – in
between the retirement trip to Mars and the wrist aerobics
classes at the Audrey Lorde/Harvey Milk Senior Assisted
Living Center.
(Brian Kane) 
Shall I confess that my first telephone number was 4440? I
think not.
(C.L. Lassiter) 
Shall I compare thee to a Hot Daddy?
Thou art more humpy and more fine.
Rough trade doth shake the darling laddy,
And summer’s twink hath all too short a mind.
(Brian Kane) 

Kaplan, Harry
I don’t think that people generally agree that all PWAs are
totally blameless.
(Christian Molick) 
I don’t know or care about general agreement or not, but I
think that the concept of “blame” when applied to health
issues is stupid, self-righteous, unsupportable,
inappropriate, counter-productive, dangerous, self-deluding,
wasteful, ignorant, and mindless.
(Steven Levine) 
Indeed, PWAs are to blame for a great deal these past years.
A great deal of beauty. A great deal of what life is really
all about. A great deal of incredible art, music, design,
dance, theatre, literature, news reporting, activism,
heroism, and in general giving much more to the world than it
deserves. I blame most of everything I live for on PWAs.
(Harry Kaplan) 
Despite Harry’s penchant for Chaos Theory, I really,
seriously, doubt that a fixation for making your muscles
bigger than anybody else’s, by hook or by crook, so that you
can stand on a podium and pose at people or for any other
reason, has much relevance to evolution.
(Nick Fitch) 
But it’s the very *essence* of evolution, from paramecium to
Craig Titus, an Eternal Golden Bod, evolution for evolution’s
sake, the sheer presentation of human adaptation to
environmental stressors under the spotlight. I should think
as a scientist you would find that, er, at least a bit
(Harry Kaplan) 
Immenso quando vuoi, grazie d’esistere.
(Robert Cumming) 
I’ve seen your immense quads. Thank you for existing.
(Nick Fitch) 
I’m in an immense quandary — thanks for being my sister.
(Mike Reaser) 
I grow huge when you want me, thanks to your stares.
(Harry Kaplan) 

Kelly, Gary
“Cave canem” is …
(Jess Anderson) 
… the voice of Shaggy.
(Gary Kelly) 

Kenny, Karen
I’ve often thought that there may well be a significant
number of women who’ve opted to live a gay life given the
alternative of having to put up with men!
(Owen Rowley) 
Let’s *try*, for a couple of posts or two, to imagine that
women’s decisions on their sexual orientations/ lifestyles
aren’t predicated on men.
(Karen Kenny) 

Kerens, Cory
What I am saying is that gay is good because it is, not
because we can’t help it. Love is good because it’s love, not
because we can’t choose to love in any other fashion.
(Cory Kerens) 

Kerlick, David
“Frottage,” or “the Princeton rub,” named after Princeton
(Jack Hamilton) 
Having gone there, I know it is only a real Princeton rub if:
(1) It is usually done between a student and a teacher; (2)
It is preceded by an earnest conversation about F. Scott
Fitzgerald; (3) Neither partner removes his trousers.
(David Kerlick) 

Keyser, David
You can be a professional without being constipated about it.
(David Keyser) 

Kiser, Markus
Last night you licked my ass and now you are complaining that
I used your toothbrush!?
(Markus Kiser) 

Kittredge, J T
You don’t have to be ashamed of your love. Love covers a
multitude a sins.
(J.T. Kittredge) 

Klein, Daniel
The only thing that separates us from the animals is
superstition and mindless rituals.
(Daniel Klein) 

Klorese, Roger
What’s the point of self-restraint if you can get someone
else to do it *for* you?
(Roger Klorese) 
What would I want him for? The girlfriend fixes dinner, does
the dishes, does the laundry, cleans the house. What more do
I need?
(Justin Sullivan) 
Morals. And a time machine to help you find the last decade
of the twentieth century.
(Roger Klorese) 
I propose we create two motss groups: soc.motss.nice, and
(Nelson Minar) 
What’s the difference?
(Roger Klorese) 
Some of us (like you) seem to think that if discrimination is
simply ignored and disavowed, it will go away; others of us
(like me) believe that illegal and improper discrimination
must be remedied, not just disavowed, and that one tool which
can be used to correct discrimination is compensation, which
you choose to brand with the “discrimination” boogieman as if
discrimination itself is improper. It is not; illegal
discrimination is.
(Roger Klorese) 
The terms “hard science” and “soft science” are designed by
what you call “hard scientists” to lead us to see the latter
as less rigorous, less significant, and less scientific. The
terms I used show the situation as I see it: the “hard
sciences” as you call them are, if not anti-human, less
mindful of the validity of human values and inputs, and more
based on the myth of impartial observation.
(Roger Klorese) 
If I had a degree, it would be in Literary Criticism and
Cinema Studies. I would *never* consider a technical degree;
how-to stuff, I think, should be self-taught or trade-school-
taught. Training has nothing to do with education, which is
what belongs in universities.
(Roger Klorese) 
I maintain that it is my studies of humanities subjects that
have given me my analytical abilities and the empathy it
takes to work on user satisfaction issues, and the enabling
technology of computers is a minor nuts’n’bolts thing,
overvalued as “education.”
(Roger Klorese) 
I really don’t care what it [Serano’s “Pisschrist”] looks
like. I’m just *pissed* that I had to help pay for it.
(Mark Wilson) 
Yeah, well, I’m pissed that I had to pay for war, for
defense-related R&D, and lots of other bogosity, which is far
more “against my religion” than a reverent work like
Pisschrist could ever be against yours. Paying for things
where you may not believe in every line item is part of what
living in a society is all about.
(Roger Klorese) 
I may vote for Perot…
…if you wish to vote for a liar, a cheat, a tyrant, and an
international criminal. Granted, George Bush has done most of
the same things. But when you take the trash out to the curb,
do you bring in a new load?
(Roger Klorese) 
Rewriting the dictionary is a necessary part of the process
of learning about ourselves. Or is matter still made of
(Roger Klorese) 
If you need to be told, rather than having the miniscule
number of brain cells it takes to figure out that you should
*ask* exactly to what extent your participation is welcome,
then I’d rather spend the carbon dioxide it takes to form
those sounds feeding a tree than lecturing you.
(Roger Klorese) 
I am a human first. The rest is unimportant. But being queer
contributes more of the parts of me that I value than being
American does.
(Roger Klorese) 
Everything is sex if you do it right.
(Roger Klorese) 
Richard Feynman may have been a brilliant scientist, but he
was also an unenlightened, sexist, bigoted, egocentric
asshole. Appealing to him as a spiritual model leaves one
more than a little short in the humanity department.
(Roger Klorese) 
Then who’s been going through my garbage?
(Andrew Solovay) 
Usually we call it “reading your postings”; your terminology
is so much more succinct, though.
(Roger Klorese) 
We’ve already observed areas with standing laws and
concurrent anti-discrimination policies. I’m not sure that
repeal makes any significant impact on society, as it deals
with what we (or rather, some of us) do, rather than what we
(Roger Klorese) 
This must be too tough for the critical abilities you
[Melmon] seem to have found in a Cracker Jack box.
(Roger Klorese) 

Kolstad, Rob
We have the most [thorough] test guy in the world… [I
showed him this program and he asked,] “But Rob, what if time
runs backward?”
(Rob Kolstad) 

Lamm, David
At the AMGC concert the other night it was pointed out that
President Clinton had been on the same Emory campus for an
economic summit that was hosting the AMGC concert. Upon
spotting one of the posters promoting the concert he asked,
“What is the AMGC?” “Oh that,” some unknown local official
replied, “is the Atlanta-don’t-ask-don’t-tell- Men’s Chorus!”
(David Lamm) 

Lane, Mike
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because I’m an
(Mike Lane) 
Control is a masculine thing to me as well.
(Mike Lane) 
No. You’re wrong. Control is a feminine thing, so you’re just
a pansy.
(Mary Ballard) 
I *do* like to wear panties…
(Mike Lane) 

Lassiter, C L
I’m talking about the man who married my father the next year
and who raised me.
(C.L. Lassiter) 
I assume you mean WOman.
(David Gartner) 
Oops. Yes. Talk about your Freudian camisoles.
(C.L. Lassiter) 

Lee, Ying-Da
A former EDS recruiter is suing the company in Michigan. She
claimed that she was fired because she refused to follow
explicit oral instructions for denying employment to certain
types of people, including people with weak handshakes
because they are probably homosexuals.
(Ying-Da Lee) 

Leeper, Evelyn
On “outing”: Anyone who says, in effect, that *your* private
life is *their* business, had damned well better be prepared
to accept that *their* private life is *your* business.
(Evelyn Leeper) 

Levin, Joel B
Isn’t that the beauty of complete unawareness? It’s the very
first thing you’re unaware of.
(Joel B. Levin) 
I’m horrified to find that some parts of the net have
concluded that I’m gay because I occasionally post to
(Clayton Cramer) 
And people question the use of “phobia” in the term
(Joel B. Levin) 
Nick Jacobi is my real name. I have four given names, with
Nick being the first and Jacobi being the last.
(Nick Jacobi) 
Dominic Sonny Bono Jacobi. Hmmm.
(Melinda Shore) 
Dominic Roy Cohn Jacobi. Ah.
(Jess Anderson) 
Ahh! Jewish!
(Joel B. Levin) 

Levine, Steven
What percentage of homosexuals are born homosexual?
What percentage of homosexuals are Bourne homosexual? What
percentage of homosexuals are C-shell homosexual? What
percentage of homosexuals are seashell homosexuals? What
percentage of homosexuals can say “She sells seashells by the
seashore” withough using a “th” sound? What percentage of
homosexuals actually do sell seashells by the seashore, or at
least vacation on Fire Island or Key West? What percentage of
homosexuals are named Mary, Ann, or Mary Ann? What percentage
of homosexuals are born to raise hell? What percentage of
homosexuals are born to lose? Born on the Fourth of July?
Borne on the backs of America’s labor? Born to run? The ants
are my friends, they’re blowing in the wind.
(Steven Levine) 
If you’re a regular guy who happens to like other regular
guys, then please drop me a line!
I don’t “happen to like” regular guys, I worship them and
objectify them and shut my eyes and lose myself in spasms of
orgasmic ecstacy when I think of their regular features,
their regular musculature, their regular personalities, their
regular brains. As is only fitting for a concept that is a
romanticized simplification rather than the reality of an
actual individual.
(Steven Levine) 
So it’s a contradiction for me to be openly gay, yet refuse
to discuss my sex life?
(Doug Goodridge) 
Yes, exactly. Being openly gay *is* “discussing your sex
life,” at least to anyone who despises us for our sexuality
(Steven Levine) 
Its nobody’s business if I like to suck dick, its enough for
them to know I have sex with my partner.
(Doug Goodridge) 
Knowing that you have sex with your partner is why they want
to keep you out of the army and prevent you from working with
their children.
(Steven Levine) 
Now, simulated sex acts in a parade or a march [are bad].
(Doug Goodridge) 
Simulated sex acts are worse than real ones, in the ultimate
sin-assessment? Wow. No penance for *real* sex, but an apache
dance in the park and you’re in big trouble.
(Steven Levine) 
Relationships are like buses. From the front, it looks as if
you know where the bus is heading, even if you don’t know the
exact route. From the rear, they are smelly and smoggy and
noisy and make your eyes water.
(Steven Levine) 

Limoncelli, Tom
I spent most of my childhood being terrified by the question
“Am I normal?” I’m relieved now that I now know for sure that
I am not.
(Tom Limoncelli) 

Lindemann, Bill
Wasn’t it the Swedish weather that killed Descartes?
(Mike McKinley) 
You’re putting Descartes before the hoarse.
(Bill Lindemann) 

Linker, Beth
I also admit to a complete lack of understanding of women who
wish to segregate themselves.
(Nick Jacobi) 
Look at it this way: you’re the alternative.
(Beth Linker) 
I suspect that if there is a god then it has better things to
do than bring us back and make sure we all have dates on
saturday night.
(Beth Linker) 
You can’t really plan to have fun, it sort of has to happen.
(Beth Linker) 
Q.E.D. is just Latin for “Duh!”…
(Beth Linker) 
As far as religiously-based laws ago, I fail to see the value
in accepting — without question nor compromise — anything
written at a time when people would have been amazed at the
simple operation of the common Pez dispenser.
(John McGinnis) 
So don’t accept it, nobody’s forcing you. Obviously, some
people do accept religious law without question or
compromise, while others opt for questioning and
compromising. And Pez dispensers have absolutely nothing on
whatever gadgets the Egyptians used to build the pyramids.
(Beth Linker) 
“Required to tell” doesn’t strike me as a particularly useful
way to look at building trust.
(Beth Linker) 
I once made someone cry when I rejected his offer of
sausage-and-mushroom pizza, but he got over it after years of
(Beth Linker) 
Most lesbians have excellent taste in men. That’s why we hang
out with so few of them.
(Beth Linker) 

Lipsie, Mike
The only thing you can say is that if you live long enough
you will die.
(Mike Lipsie) 
[On term limits:] I would probably suggest something like 6
years government service in an elected office at any level,
or perhaps something divided into state time and federal
time. I don’t have the answer, but it can’t be the open-ended
deal we have now.
(Scott Moir) 
You’re thinking small. An hour an a half max. Why allow
someone who knows what they are doing to continue?
(Mike Lipsie) 

Lodenkamper, Bob
It all depends on what is more important to you: the right to
act in a bizarre fashion, or political progress & social
(Bob Sarver) 
The fallacy of the false dilemma occurs when only two
alternatives of many are presented as choices in an argument.
Sarver, a hitherto unknown philosophical talent, has refined
the art of false dilemma. The new and exciting development he
adds to the prior art is the presentation of *the same thing*
as though it were two distinct choices in an argument. As
yet, no practical use has been found for this rhetorical
device, but certain parties from Houston are considering the
funding of further investigations.
(Bob Lodenkamper) 
Many times one is asked to “listen” to the same dusty old set
of lies, factual errors, hate and stupidity that some fool
thinks is an acceptable ethical system. Why bother? Believe
me, it gets old real fast.
(Bob Lodenkamper) 
I write as one who spent far too much energy devoted to
fantasy wish fulfillment scenarios of painful death to my
enemies, and can say for certain that indulging in these
fantasies did no harm to my enemies, and a great deal of harm
to myself.
(Bob Lodenkamper) 
There is such a thing as making an argument appropriate for
the intended audience. Just as one doesn’t expect a third
grader to follow Kant, one doesn’t bother crafting witty
replies to idiocy. It’s a waste of time, and annoys the
(Bob Lodenkamper) 
Many topics summarily dismissed as “idiocy” here have been
brought up on a regular basis for far too long by a seemingly
endless succession of half-wits who think their feculant
pearls of wisdom are somehow new, and deserving of a
carefully crafted response.
(Bob Lodenkamper) 
Let us spread the idea of tolerance by practicing it
ourselves, even toward bigots.
(Lee Crocker) 
They want to defeat us politically as a prelude to
exterminating us. We need to defeat them politically in order
to survive. This is why equating our intolerance for their
attitudes with their intolerance of us and our attitudes is
stupid. They simply do not compare.
(Bob Lodenkamper) 

Loy, Marc
In my next life I could come back as a — god forbid —
fundamentalist, in which case I doubt I should be grateful to
anyone who informed me about a fascinating and altogether
enjoyable world of sin and degradation.
(Marc Loy) 

Lunde, Albert
There is no clear dividing line in sexual behavior between
gay men or lesbians and bisexuals. People with similar sexual
histories identify differently. It is important for us all to
recognize this and respect each others choices, not to
project our world-view on someone else.
(Albert Lunde) 
Pride is a vice for those who have too much and a virtue for
those who don’t have enough.
(Albert Lunde) 

Lustig, Roger
A restaurant is a whorehouse that does food instead of sex.
(Roger Lustig) 

MacKay, Daniel
Dare to be meek.
(Daniel MacKay) 
We, the lesbian and gay community, are beginning to live with
AIDS instead of dying of AIDS. We’ve been through a hell of a
ten years. Coming out of this is going to be the most
beautiful thing our queer nation has ever seen.
(Daniel MacKay) 

Macdonald, Brad
Barefoot is not a type of shoe.
(Brad Macdonald) 
So *if* there is a big beard in the sky…
(Nick Fitch) 
At last, that’s it! No wonder she’s angry.
(Brad Macdonald) 

Madison, George
Honesty in politics is much like oxygen. The higher up you
go, the scarcer it becomes.
(George Madison) 
Now, in the Overall Schema Of The Universe, I would imagine
that this sort of thing ranks somewhere down around gnat’s
(George Madison) 
For the record, possessing a central nervous system doesn’t
necessarily make you a sentient being.
(Gary Byma) 
No, but it’s an essential first step.
(George Madison) 

Maffray, Frederic
Please… there is a ‘u’ after every ‘q’ in French. (Well,
almost; the exceptions are ‘cinq’, ‘iraqien’, ‘coq’ — five
Iraqi cocks.)
(Frederic Maffray) 

Magano, Cleo
In this society, for now, Freedom is the space inside of us
that struggles, and sustains compassion and self-knowing
despite opposing life-long lessons; that endures knowing it’s
ultimately dangerous and spiritually death-defying not to.
(Cleo Magano) 

Mallory, Jeremy
Casting blame around in the way hippos spread their dung
seems like a silly enterprise to me.
(Jeremy Mallory) 
Drag queens and “straight acting” faggots represent the two
sides of a single coin.
I am unaware of any lip sync performances choreographed and
mounted by “‘straight acting’ faggots” on stages for general
(Andrew Simchik) 
Log Cabin nominating conventions.
(Jeremy Mallory) 
San Francisco can offer a fascinating lifestyle I’m told is
unmatched anywhere else on earth.
(David A. Kaye) 
Someone got a word in edgewise?
(Jeremy Mallory) 

Maloney, Frank
As I used to tell my Shakespeare classes, the task before us
is not to make Shakespeare relevant to us, but rather to make
ourselves relevant to Shakespeare.
(Frank Maloney) 
He dumped me when I came out to him, and not on to him, I
hasten to add, although in retrospect that might have the
reason. He’s the only friend who’s ever openly rejected me
because I’m queer, and I have no intention of ever getting
over it.
(Frank Maloney) 
I have recently heard it posited that the cold father and
warm mother (which describes my family rather well) are not
so much the cause of a homosexual child as the *result*
thereof. That is, the parents can sense somehow the
differentness of the child and respond in those ways.
(Jeff Putnam) 
Gee, no wonder you’re queer. My parents were pretty much
always the same temperature, as far as I could tell.
(Frank Maloney) 
I just had a vision of the scene at Seattle-Tacoma
International Airport as plane-load after plane-load of
bath-crazed females crowd into the concourses and espresso
bars, their overnight bags, panniers, rucksacks, and fanny
packs rubbing and scrapping, creating a harsh continuo in
counterpoint the higher-pitched murmurings, laughter, and
occasional shrieks as would-be bathers compete for taxis and
creme rinse. Finally, amidst the confused jostlings, a new
sense of purpose, of unity, of solidarity begins to ignite
this batho-phrenetic congeries into a bath-talion that makes
its motto “Fuck it, let’s get wet, let’s get going.” They
form their orderly ranks and swing out onto passenger loading
zones where they commandeer every bus, airporter, shuttle,
and limousine in sight to begin the final stage of the final
assault. At this point, the vision faded as an unexpected
guest was admitted to my presence.
(Frank Maloney) 
In my sensitive and caring way, let me respond by suggesting
you take it to the anti-abortion and homophobic manipulators
and power-mongers. They are the ones who have succeeded in
putting such a negative spin on the phrase [“family values”]
as to make it a universally recognized code phrase for some
of the ugliest aspects of American political and social life
today. They are the slanderers, the liars, the power hungry
(Frank Maloney) 
A lot of gay people do find ways to make their own families
because the ones they were born into so totally failed them.
These people are the harbingers of the next norm for
families: people connected to each other because they love
each other, a “new innovation” if ever there were one.
(Frank Maloney) 
And as for good old-fashioned family values, let us see these
folks living three generations in a house before we talk
traditional family values. This cockamamie fantasy with the
daddy and the mommy and the child living by themselves is
more a by-blow of the disintegrative shock the
industrialization of America brought with it than anything
(Frank Maloney) 
But do you have one of those caps with the ear flaps like
Marge in _Fargo_?
(Frank Maloney) 
I do. I’ve never had a warmer hat.
(Frank McQuarry) 
Felicitas est capellus calidus.
(Frank Maloney) 

Manis, Vincent
I can’t quite see those Mormons using handcuffs or leather to
restrain their natural masturbatory urges. Instead, I imagine
that there’s a whole new market for… Mormon Velcro!
(Vincent Manis) 
I used to watch Jerry Falwell religiously [sic] each Sunday
morning. Some of us just enjoy looking at dog poop, I guess.
(Vincent Manis) 
As a democratic socialist, I take offense at being lumped in
with Stalinists, Maoists, and the Shining Path. These people
all espouse something with the name “socialism,” but it’s
about as close to the real thing as Coors is to beer.
(Vincent Manis) 
Lumping democratic socialists in with thugs like Stalinists
and Maoists is like lumping the Quakers in with Jimmy
(Vincent Manis) 
If all the energy which goes into finding out-of-context
biblical quotations were diverted into something worthwhile,
we could end world hunger in a week.
(Vincent Manis) 
Heterosexuals of this repressed sort (I specifically exclude
enlightened heterosexuals) generally have such tight asses
that absolutely nothing can get in or out; that is why we
normally say that they are full of shit.
(Vincent Manis) 
You know you’re past the first flush of youth when you love
retelling old stories, because at least you know how they’re
going to turn out.
(Vincent Manis) 
I don’t believe in single-issue politics; but gay rights is
not an issue by itself. It speaks to the way in which
governments treat their citizens, or allow them to treat each
other. A government which supports gay rights is
intrinsically more committed to fairness and decency than one
which does not.
(Vincent Manis) 

Manz, Brett
You don’t look like a fag.
Funny, neither do you.
(Brett Manz) 
I look at it this way: there’s a whole lot of children out
there without parents. And a whole lot of gay and lesbian
people/couples who aren’t too likely to have children. This
seems like a marvelous opportunity to empty the orphanages
and fill some lives.
(Brett Manz) 
You can’t be proud of who you are if you’re ashamed of what
you are.
(Brett Manz) 
My opinions are my own. The truth belongs to everyone.
(Brett Manz) 

Maroney, Tim
The notion of ideas as infectious diseases is one to which
most authoritarian religions and governments subscribe, and
they hold massive “hygienic” burnings of the “viral DNA”
behind the ideas. Promulgators of these “diseased” ideas are
called “carriers of spiritual impurity” (to use one phrase
now popular in China) and attempts are made to prevent the
spread of these diseases. This is a naive and dangerous view
of how ideas work, and it is disturbing to see it
rationalized into Western pop psychology.
(Tim Maroney) 

Marshall, Robert
Duck tape is what you put into the tape recorder to record a
duck’s quack.
(Tim McDaniel) 
I think that’s probably a canard
(Robert Marshall) 

Matsuoka, Kenji
On the internet, not only does no one know you’re a rabbit,
neither can anyone can hear you scream.
(Kenji Matsuoka) 
If we can’t make sweeping generalizations based on scant
knowledge, how are we ever going to talk about *anything* on
(Kenji Matsuoka) 
Boredom and distraction are the Scylla and Charybdis of the
world of choices.
(Kenji Matsuoka) 

Matthews, Mike
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how
we wasted the morning.
(Mike Matthews) 

McCanta, Jay
People should reflect. People who don’t are assholes. It’s a
lesson best learned early.
(Charlie Fulton) 
I thought people who didn’t reflect were vampires.
(Jay McCanta) 

McDaniel, Tim
I see it as a loss of diversity and of origin, and a missed
opportunity for play. I want to taste the strong, dark,
exotic, musky tang of foreign words in their native guise as
they use my throat, erupt into my mouth, cascade from my
lips. I shall cling with passion to my penes, clitorides,
octopodes, non-“the”d hoi polloi, matrices, datum, and
(Tim McDaniel) 
Any gays here into cannibalism?
((Random bigot)) 
Eat me.
(Tim McDaniel) 
I must be getting old. What’s a “Gay Club Mix?”
(Martin Jay) 
Some fruits, some flakes, some chicken, some Ecstasy.
(Tim McDaniel) 

McGinnis, John
I’m beginning to sense that you confuse sex and romance.
(Jack Hamilton) 
They may be two different vegetables but they’re almost
always found on the same plate.
(John McGinnis) 
I dunno, I kind of liked how Justin went from a 17 y.o. going
on 45 to a 19 y.o. going on 10…
(John McGinnis) 
It often happens that way, fisthopper.
(Mike Thomas) 
That the show breaks character? Yes it does, turd burglar.
(John McGinnis) 
Regression, fisthopper, regression.
(Mike Thomas) 
Transgression, turd burglar, transgression.
(John McGinnis) 

McHale, Ciaran
Verbosity says it all.
(Ciaran McHale) 
Being able to ask is the only way to learn.
(Chris Bazzie) 
Not true. One can also go into a bookshop or library, obtain
a good book and read it.
(Ciaran McHale) 
I was talking with a friend last night and I found out that a
photo of Blair and me dancing naked in the 1990 gay pride
parade is one of the prominent photos in the gay studies
department of City College here in San Francisco.
(Jeff Dauber) 
Maybe Andy Warhol was wrong about the 15 minutes of fame.
Perhaps he meant 15 cm.
(Ciaran McHale) 
Some of us *are* in love with our hands. I certainly couldn’t
bear to be separated from mine and I hate to imagine life
without them. Mark me down as a palmsexual.
(Ciaran McHale) 

McKeon, Brendan
How does one properly cook a hyena?
(Brian Kane) 
Oh, that’s easy. You just make a laughing stock.
(Brendan McKeon) 

McKewen, Richard
Seen on a lesbian’s T-Shirt at the Louisville Pride March:
(Richard McKewen) 

McKinley, Mike
Kens don’t have buttholes.
(John Dorrance) 
Mine does. I got GI Joe to give him one.
(Mike McKinley) 
I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed
by belief.
(Gerry Spence) 
I would rather be opened by plunder than closed by retreat.
(Mike McKinley) 
I don’t roll over and spread it for just any fantasy mutant.
(Mike McKinley) 
“Traduttore, traditore.”
(Leith Chu) 
One of the best and most accurate of sayings.
(Mike McKinley) 
Let’s put it this way: if a humpy baseball player struck up a
conversation in a gay bar, I’d be much more fascinated by his
RBI than his cock size. It’s nice to have something
significant to say when you stop panting.
(Harry Matthews) 
This is true as far as it goes, but you are only speaking for
yourself. I can imagine there would be gay men (especially
those not interested in sports) who would be primarily
interested in matters besides his sports stats (men being
(Edgar J. Lawrence) 
“That guy is so hot. I wonder if he’s Baptist?”
(Mike McKinley) 
One of the charming items from North American vocabulary is
“mystery meat” for hot-dogs (and “tube steaks” of course).
(Chris Ambidge) 
Tube steak is not mystery meat. Unless it is coming out of a
glory hole.
(Mike McKinley) 
Usenet is not a crime.
(Steve Jones) 
Beauty is a crime!
(Edgar Lawrence) 
Support beauty-free cruelty.
(Mike McKinley) 
Closed minds are a good thing?
(Scott Safier) 
Sometimes closed mouths are.
(Mike McKinley) 
Oh, and my company has offices in Austin, too!
(Brian Kane) 
Darling, the Drag Queen Society will welcome you with open
(Mike McKinley) 
Will the BDQS teach me to tawk Texan?
(Brian Kane) 
It’s hard to drawl with a dick in your mouth.
(Mike McKinley) 
Someone asked me once, “When do things start happening at the
Chain Drive?” I said, “As soon as I leave.”
(Mike McKinley) 
I’m trying to create a world of beauty-free cruelty.
(Mike McKinley) 
I have always secretly wished for control of the cosmic
Delete key.
(David Fenton) 
Not only that, darling, but you inspire it in others.
(Mike McKinley) 
Ah, the kind of food mother used to make! Is the meat always
(Bob Boutwell) 
My mother fried everything. She even fried the salad.
(Mike McKinley) 
Mike is an _artiste_.
Ann, who believes implicitly in the veracity of all TexMike’s
(Ann Burlingham) 
As do I. MikeyDarling’s world is a far better place. Clap
your hands!
(Gwendolyn Dean) 
*wild applause and cheers*
(Corry Wyngaarden) 
My life is a chicken-fried, aesthetic hell covered with
cactus and don’t you fergit it.
(Mike McKinley) 
I kinda like the idea of a boyfriend who can only grunt.
(Scott Carpenter) 
(Clay Colwell) 
Needs work.
(Scott Safier) 
(Clay Colwell) 
Watch and learn: (contort face) GRUN uhn (show teeth) RRRRRRR
(Scott Safier) 
Oh, Mary, what is this? The Sissy Boy-Off?
(Mike McKinley) 
Nothingness in either has little to do with what one would
think nothingness means at face value, no?
(Tim Wilson) 
What difference does it make? You’re all just figments of my
imagination anyway.
(Ellen Evans) 
Ellen dreams. A lotus issues from her navel. The blossom
opens and there am I. En pointe.
(Mike McKinley) 
I’ve been reading Usenet since 1982. Far too many articles
have disappeard for this to be a burp. I’ve never experienced
this degree of supposed “failure” before. Remember, “once is
happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy
(Bill Lindemann) 
Girlene, maybe if you re-tinfoil your helmet, you’ll get
better reception.
(Mike McKinley) 
Do you have Turret’s Syndrome or something?
(John Higdon) 
That was Rapunzel.
(Mike McKinley) 
He’s not very clever. Plus he’s from the South.
(Mike Thomas) 
Unlike the shining intellects that gave us DisneyLand!
(Mike McKinley) 
I didn’t expect you to do anything but respond with
rationalizations for your inconsistent behavior, since that’s
all you ever do when you are criticized on any subject
(David Fenton) 
[He] acknowledged his inconsistency. Now, shut the fuck up.
You’re starting to look like a soc.motss control freak.
(Mack Therber) 
It’s uncommon for me to tell someone to shut the fuck up. I’m
not sure why I did it here but rather than retract the
statement I hope you’ll accept my apology.
(Mack Therber) 
You’re a worthless moron piece of shit. I couldn’t give a
flying fuck about anything you say, insult or apology.
(David Fenton) 
Darlings! Who said that the art of conversation is dead?
(Mike McKinley) 
Watch the American presence [in Afghanistan] increase
significantly despite everything The Idiot is saying.
Darling, show some fucking respect. He is the Idiot In Chief.
(Mike McKinley) 
There seems to be a trend toward less-revealing clothing
(Robert Coren) 
If this is true, I may have to kill myself.
(Scott Safier) 
My work here is done.
(Mike McKinley) 
I find it *so* difficult to maintain a credible age spread;
friends never tell me that I look both 18 *and* 30
(Clay Colwell) 
It depends on which end of your spread they are
(Mike McKinley) 
But if you love someone and they leave, there is going to be
(ELlen Evans) 
Grrrl, if you love ’em and they *stay*, there’s gonna be
(Mike McKinley) 
Do you [Mike McKinley] ever plan on going back to being
Darling, you are my role mohel.
(Mike McKinley) 
I have never had my identity stolen.
(David Kaye) 
Darling, who would *want* your identity?
(Mike McKinley) 
You said that people don’t call you DRS in conversation. What
do they call you?
(John Whiteside) 
One needs friends for this to situation to come up.
(Mike McKinley) 
You obviously enjoy reading what I write. What does that make
(David A. Kaye) 
Actually, I despise every smug, self-satisfied,
dripping-with-ignorance word that you write.
(David Fenton) 
Hmm… A guilty pleasure. The usenet simulacrum of a Krispy
Kreme or fried pork rinds.
(Mike McKinley) 
A couple years back I got involved with a guy who said he
found me sexy and intellectually fascinating.
(Rob McGee) 
Well, dear, there’s someone for everyone.
(Mike McKinley) 
I slather my meat with Thai curry paste prior to grilling.
(Mike McKinley) 
I know that everyone should simply donate their time and
services, but for some reason professionals need to make a
living to.
(Scott Safier) 
My dear! You used to be just a tool. Now you’re a tool for
the industrial/military complex.
(Mike McKinley) 
(Chris Ambidge) 
So, darling Panda Daddy, what is *your* panda name? I’m
betting on Chew Wang.
(Mike McKinley) 
There is no need to clone missing links. We have you.
(Mike McKinley) 
No apologies to the rest of us for the lack of hot pictures
of Bernal and Luna?
(Robert Coren) 
Darling, this is about altruism, not jismism.
(Mike McKinley) 
That was so long ago the Dead Sea was just starting to get
(Mike McKinley) 
I think we can all agree that the saggy titties are HOT.
(John McGinnis) 
Darling, when are you going to learn that soc.motss is not
all about you?
(Mike McKinley) 

McManus, Eamonn
If traditional values of vagueness and inaccuracy were good
enough for our parents they should be good enough for us.
(Eamonn McManus) 
During a recent three-hour train journey in a carriage full
of bawling kiddies, it struck me that it is odd that railways
and airlines separate smokers from non-smokers, but not
children from people.
(Eamonn McManus) 
Who dares gets a mouthful of earwigs. Plus ca change, plus
c’est un cafard dans la gueule. A louse in the pooter is
worth two in the mouth. Quis custodiet ipsos pedes? All’s
well that poots well. Look before you suck.
(Eamonn McManus) 
Quelle supris.
(Bob Donahue) 
That’s “suprise”, dear. Maybe you shouldn’t post in languages
you don’t know, unless you don’t mind the fact that lots of
people think you’re an undereducated fool.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
(Eamonn McManus) 
A-theist, from its Latin roots, means “one without god.”
A-gnostic, from its Latin roots, means “one without
knowledge,” […] Any other usage is evidence of nothing but
ignorance and illiteracy.
(Gary Phillips) 
Supposing you were asked which was stronger evidence of
ignorance and illiteracy, talking about the Latin roots of
words that actually come from Greek, or supposing that the
current meanings of words are entirely derivable from their
etymologies, which would you choose?
(Eamonn McManus) 
Most state marriage laws discuss man and woman — and people
like Cass Sunstein — in his testimony in front of the Senate
Judiciary Committee — seem to agree that present laws would
qualify for “strong public policy.”
(Ellen Evans) 
I think you had a little punctuation accident in that
(Eamonn McManus) 

McManus, Mike
There *are* other options to the closet. I will not accept
any argument from the position that a hypothetical person,
much less an adult, has no choice *but* the closet.
(John T. E. McGinnis) 
Or, in this case, the *water* closet.
(Mike McManus) 
Gloating and schadenfreude are two forms of enjoyment that
are indeed unseemly.
(Brian Vogel) 
Only if you get caught at it.
(Gwendolyn Dean) 
Sort of like animal husbandry, no?
(Mike McManus) 
Q: Use “Francophile” in a sentence.
A: “All the newspaper clippings about dead Spanish dictators
go in the Francophile.”
(Mike McManus) 

McQuarry, Frank
I was frisked at airport security today.
(Scott Safier) 
I presume that was the reason for your going there.
(Frank McQuarry) 
Kyan Douglas’s parents must have something in common with my
Oklahoma cousin, who has named her son Kaden and her daughter
Kana. (I’m wondering what’s next…)
(Brian Kane) 
(Frank McQuarry) 
Queen of Puddings with Hot Apricot Sauce
(Menu at Rules restaurant, London) 
A drag queen and her sidekick?
(Frank McQuarry) 
[I’m] 31.
(Gary Kelly) 
You’re not just a prime, baby, you’re a Mersenne Prime. With
you we can construct a perfect number.
(Frank McQuarry) 

Melmon, Matthew
Civilized discourse with uncivilized barbarians, while noble,
and a good source of saints, is for saints.
(Matthew Melmon) 
The modern art world, however, has been turned upside down.
The animals run the zoo, as it were, and the price
civilization has paid has been run after run after run of
uninspired, self- indulgent *crap* dressed up in
ever-increasing levels of pretension. By the labels of the
modern world, the Sistine Chapel (which was *commissioned*)
would be “graphic” art. Not “real” art. Compare this with the
“real” art currently being produced at the Center of Western
Culture. Sheets by Vera, anyone?
(Matthew Melmon) 
If you are going to be a dumbfuck, you could at least be
vaguely aware of the genre about which you were dumbfucking.
Or was the Emotional Trauma that Is Your Life brought about
by an ill-timed Joan impersonation?
(Matthew Melmon) 
Kevin — who left his heart in San Francisco.
(Kevin Eyedrama) 
It used to be such a clean city.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Kill files are for twits. I am always open for new reasons to
sneer at people.
(Matthew Melmon) 
My major concern here is how ignorant most people are — as
my examples should have made clear — about history,
geography, music (of all kinds except rap, which to me is
just the recorded sound of my garbage disposal being turned
on), and literature.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
And yet, despite a brain the size of a planet, there you sit
in a smelly office — subservient drone to a ruthless
thermostat dictator.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Strom Thurmond [US Senator, So. Carolina] [has] already set
the interesting records (oldest Senator, longest-serving
Senator) and if he leaves office before his current term is
up (voluntarily or Grim Reaperwise), the South Carolina
governor gets to appoint his replacement. Since the current
lame-duck Republican governor is about to be replaced with a
shiny new Democrat, the [Radical Religious Right] is
understandably concerned that the ninety-six-year-old Strom
will finally expire and leave them with one fewer Senators in
their pocket. It looks like dear Strom is too proud (or too
senile) to step down, and perhaps the Christian Coalition’s
fears may be fulfilled in this case.
(Alex Elliott) 
Strom is hanging on for the repeal of Reconstruction.
(Matthew Melmon) 

Mensch, Henry
Learn to appreciate what you get; it’s all icing on the
sometimes-suboptimal conceptual cake.
(Henry Mensch) 
Castro Valley is not a true bedroom community, at least not
like some of the other Bay Area suburbs. Castro Valley was a
chicken-farming town.
(Rob Bernardo) 
For many, this alone would make it a bedroom community.
(Henry Mensch) 
I think the people who write “no queens” in their ads are
really saying that their home isn’t big enough for more than
one queen.
(Henry Mensch) 
[He cleans house,] I piddle more outside.
(Tim Wilson) 
I had this stupid idea you were housebroken. Do you get paper
in the house during inclement weather?
(Henry Mensch) 

Merrell, Andrea
I’m waiting for a friend to come by sometime soon with his
cam so I can take a picture of the tableau of The Last Supper
a friend and I constructed out of Peeps on Thursday.
Unfortunately the only store in town that had Peeps for sale
had a pretty poor selection by the time I discovered them
there, so J.C. is a yellow chick and all twelve apostles are
pink bunnies. And getting the arms to stick on Judas was
difficult, but we felt they were de rigueur, so we could show
him upsetting the salt cellar, in line with European
Leith “we still haven’t finished the Crucifixion yet, and
then there’s the Ascension, except I haven’t figured out how
to get the Peep-body of Christ to rise up to Heaven” Chu
(Leith Chu) 
(Andrea Merrell) 

Millen, Dianne
I think the anal receptivity of straight men is one of the
great untalked-about sexual topics of our time. I mean,
people *expect* homos to take it up the ass. Which is
precisely why those straight guys keep their mouths closed,
even as their sphincters are opening.
(Dianne Millen) 

Miller, Steve
You are wound tight as a hair bun on a librarian.
(Steve Miller) 

Minar, Nelson
I’ve always been fascinated at the way that Taco Hell folks
fold the burritos. It’s always the same. I’ve had salt
burritos in Houston, Portland, Boston, and who knows where
else and they’ve always been folded the exact same way. Makes
me have faith in American fast food. Cardboard “tortilla” on
paper, lather on beans, salt, sauce, roll, roll, fold with
the paper, roll with the paper. Efficient, fresh, clean.
(Nelson Minar) 
I think that the really excellent homophobes should be
preserved in Lucite so that succeeding generations can wonder
at them, too.
(Vincent Manis) 
Funny that you should say that — when I was in Houston last
Christmas I had the chance to see an art exhibit at the
Museum of Fine Arts, something from the 50s. It was exactly
what you describe: ordinary, everyday garbage encased in
(Nelson Minar) 
Michelangelo’s David would not be funded by Jesse Helms. It’s
the little touches that make a future solid enough to be
(Nelson Minar) 
There are lots of things I’d like to be someday, but “normal”
is definitely not one of them.
(Nelson Minar) 
Strike a pose, not a queer!
(Nelson Minar) 
I look forward to the era of sexual interaction at a
distance. Think what soc.motss will be like then! 20 year old
GWM seeks interesting intelligent men with highspeed network
connections for mutual networking. I can handle any
schema-based world interface, but particular prefer the X.523
(Nelson Minar) 
I’m black latex and you’re heavyweight motor oil.
Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to yoil.
(Nelson Minar) 
The problem with these nature vs. nurture arguments is that
there’s always an underlying tone of having to question
(Richard Aceves) 
Personally, I’m gay because it gives me a chance to schmooze
with pretentious fags who have excellent taste in food and
wine. The cock-sucking is sort of a fringe benefit.
(Nelson Minar) 

UseNet discussions are like throwing knives at concrete
sidewalks: while theoretically they may get deeper, they
usually remain just as shallow and become dull.

Molick, Christian
The Christian lifestyle of endless hatred for anything
outside their tiny domain is morally wrong. Gay people don’t
have any particular lifestyle, and insisting that they do is
just another good example of Christian dehumanization and the
endless hatred of so-called Christians for anyone who is
different from them.
(Christian Molick) 
I trip over TV cables for TV shoots on an almost daily basis.
I see this kind of movie/TV shoot — including those where
people rent out their homes (or portions of their properties)
(almost daily. I, like most long-term LA residents, mostly) 
ignore the trailers, cameras, cables, power lines, and so on.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
That’s why you trip over them, silly.
(Christian Molick) 

Morck, David
Q. What do you think the title of Mia Farrow’s autobiography
should be?
(Matt ) 
A. Mia Culpa.
(David Morck) 

Morman, Todd
“Shaving Ryan’s Privates” should be in video shops soon.
(Todd Morman) 

Morrissey, Mark
[To Bob Sarver] Run, don’t walk, but run to the nearest bank
and apply for a loan. Tell them that you want the money to
buy a clue. After speaking with you for a few moments, I am
sure the loan will be no interest. Lord knows that your posts
(Mark Morrissey) 
The goal was to see who would be better *under* UNIX, Madonna
or Marky Mark. Wanting to get started right away, I used the
BSD socket code. I also used sockets because they seemed
perversely appropriate. Anyway, I kept running into a snag —
whenever I executed the select() system call, I kept getting
the Marky Mark stream returned as ready — never the Madonna
stream. It seemed that I could only select Marky Mark! Was
this because the Madonna stream was never ready or was there
something wrong with my socket implementation? Obviously,
more investigation was required. Next, I decided to treat
both as device drivers. For this, I switched to ATT System V
as both seemed appropriate as stackable streams. However,
once again, I found that there was a problem. The only one I
could push stacks of streams on was Marky Mark! Once again, I
suspect that there was something wrong with my
implementation! Next, I implemented them as processes under
SunOS and decided to characterize their behaviour. In order
to check on their system calls, I used the feature inside of
trace() which allows me to attach myself to running
processes. Lo-and-behold, I could only successfully attach
myself to Marky Mark! I became suspicious. At this point, I
began writing simulations (classified!) and developing
hypotheses and working on the definitive paper (soon to be
published in a Computing Systems Journal near you) which
would explain it all. I was at a total loss until I made a
discovery which clarified it all: I was running Kinsey UNIX
version 6. Go figure.
(Mark Morrissey) 

Muilwijk, Marina
We [Holland] had colonies. Countries with old and complex
cultures that soon learned about the joys of the Dutch
civilization. They had long epics in beautiful poetic
language, we gave them “Dutch for traders”. They had forests
of great beauty, we gave them plantations. They had many
gods, we gave them Calvinism. You know, civilization.
(Marina Muilwijk) 
We [Holland] were a republic when everybody else was still a
monarchy, which is why we are a monarchy now.
(Marina Muilwijk) 
I didn’t spend all those years learning languages to read
(Marina Muilwijk) 
Sanskrit sci-fi?
(FJ van Wingerde) 
What do you think those “wisdom of the East” books are really
about, when read in the original language? Monkey armies,
multi-armed monsters, lethal rays of light, humans with
non-human offspring (or vice versa), it’s all there.
(Marina Muilwijk) 

Murphy, Ailsa
I rather like not wanting to refer to “doctors” and “*women*
doctors”. I try to avoid allowing any variable to pretend it
is the ground of being.
(Ailsa Murphy) 

Murphy, Daniel A
Heterosexuals do not, in general, enumerate reasons they
aren’t coming out.
(Daniel A. Murphy) 

Murphy, Peggy Boucher
I’ve met the enemy, up close and personal. They gave birth to
(Peggy Boucher Murphy) 

Neville-Neil, George
Warning: The American “melting pot” is filled with bleach.
(George Neville-Neil) 
(Of the Pioneer 10 spacecraft’s generic human symbols:) At
any rate by the time anything finds it we’ll probably be so
much cosmic dust. Remember Ozymandias King of Kings.
(George Neville-Neil) 
If something makes you uncomfortable then don’t do it. No one
asked you to piss on them, or have sex with a fifteen year
(George Neville-Neil) 
Life’s weird, that’s why I’m sticking around till the end.
(George Neville-Neil) 

Newsbaum, Jack B
None of us consciously intends to benefit strangers, yet that
is the effect of such [libertarian] economic activity.
(Jack B. Newsbaum) 

Nussbaum, Nick
It’s important to demonstrate that candidates lose more votes
from gay people than they gain from the right when they chose
to gay-bait.
(Nick Nussbaum) 
I hear that marketing the first chicken was difficult,
because they had trouble describing what it tasted like.
(Darren Scott Cobb) 
Try it, it tastes a lot like iguana.
(Nick Nussbaum) 

Palmer, Michael
When I used to play D&D, I had an Elf by the name of
(Michael Thomas) 
Let me guess: he was an operatic tenor, and his last name was
Domingo, yes?
(Michael Palmer) 
EyeDrama is in fact a very famous person whose posts here
would immediately hit the front pages if his/her actual name
were used.
(Alan Miles) 
My canary’s droppings hit the front page of the LA Times
every day. Does this mean that EyeDrama is a cuckoo?
(Michael Palmer) 
For me there is nothing sexier than a man who pursues
knowledge with the same vigor as he lays siege to a castle.
(Michael Palmer) 
[sig.] Cobra Woman [who uses litotes in public]
(Mara Chibnik) 
This is the way it *always* starts: a little meiosis in
private, a little litotes in public, pretty soon its
full-blown metonymy, synecdoche, anaphora, syllepsis, zeugma,
hysteron-proteron, and the gnomic perfect on soc.motss.
(Michael Palmer) 
And, FWIW, I imagine that women have the same continuum of
responses to kissing as well, so I doubt it’s hardly
relegatable to testosterone.
(Clay Colwell) 
Is “relegatable” a word?
(Mike McKinley) 
Of course it is. Why, just the other day the local furniture
restorer told me that he would be happy to refinish my
rolltop desk, but first he had to relegatable.
(Michael Palmer) 
However, to write that one is oppressed by Weltschmerz
because one’s Weltanschauung is not shared by one’s maîtres
et confrères suggests a certain übertreibende superbia,
perhaps even ersatz eruditio.
(Michael Palmer) 
Don’t have a problem whippin it out. Hell, ever been to
Southern Decedance?
(Trace Eggers) 
Say, isn’t that the circuit party that everyone’s just dying
to attend?
(Michael Palmer) 
Katie, repeating the mantra, “Too bad ignorance isn’t
(Katie Schmitz) 
But it *is* painful: it’s just not painful to the ignorant.
(Michael Palmer) 
Beware of German-speaking Greeks bearing…
(Paul Wallich) 
(Robert Cumming) 
Thank you. Now I must go away again, for my Weltschmerz.
(Paul Wallich) 
Well, if your Weltanschauung of Schadenfreude hadn’t created
so much Sturm und Drang you wouldn’t now have to leave bei
Nacht und Nebel.
(Michael Palmer) 
What does it mean when you have a dream featuring Jess
Anderson, a camel ride along the Nile, and (apparently) a
motss-con in Cairo?
(Brian Kaned) 
It means that you’re in de Nile.
(Michael Palmer) 
I was once the Toast of the Continent, but now, I’m just
(Mike McKinley) 
Or rather, now you’re the Toast of the Incontinent.
(Michael Palmer) 
Tatiana Youbetchabootskaya, once the toast of the Continent
and now just toast.
(Mike McKinley) 
Toast of the incontinent.
(Michael Palmer) 

Parkinson, Greg
There was this weird little weasly kid I went to elementary
school with. If there was a fight he would hang around and if
one or the other of the participants got pinned or held down
this kid would leap in and kick him a few times and then run
away shrieking as he was chased home. Anyone can get
attention, but it doesn’t ever really satisfy the need for
(Greg Parkinson) 
[Of Matthew Melmon] You’re behaving like the net equivalent
of a whoopee cushion, giggling wildly every time you make the
written equivalent of fart noises.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Emotional complexity can be enjoyed, reveled in, and is
better served by acceptance and attention than by analysis.
(Greg Parkinson) 
And if you all stopped listening to me, well then I’d just
have to skulk somewhere else.
(Matthew Melmon) 
I say we give it a try.
(Greg Parkinson) 
I think I’ll go someplace where I can find *intelligent*
(Alan Williams) 
Stop teasing like this! We know you love the attention you
get here! Fess up — you’re a soc.motss abuse bottom and you
know it!
(Greg Parkinson) 
Or if you are listening to the dialog inside a limo circa,
maybe, 1985, parked (with the engine running) in Manhattan’s
meat market district, where the “Mari Sisters (Mariposa y
Maricona)” are entertaining a group of soviet diplomats:
“Oye, mujer!” Maricona exclaims, spitting out a half-chewed
mouthful and fluttering a long-nailed hand in Mariposa’s
direction. “Que, mi vida?” answers Mariposa, her hand
replacing her mouth in pleasuring the groaning man slumped
down in the seat. “Oye, cojalo este esandawich de queso, el
samovar esta explotando. Mira, mira, chico, mi vestido nuevo!
Joder!” Mariposa looks over, eyes wide, and exclaims “Aye,
como las cataratas de niagara!”
(Greg Parkinson) 
I get *tired* of being told to politely ask for my rights
from people who didn’t have the right to take them away in
the first place.
(Greg Parkinson) 
I *am* a pretty uppity faggot. I am disgusted by queers who
dance a jig of joy at each crumb we are tossed by our
oppressors while chanting “forgive us our sinful play,
pragmatism is the only way, they like us more *every* day!”
(Greg Parkinson) 
I was saying “I am a man and this is how I am acting”. All my
fears about being “too effeminate” exploded into a frenzy of
stereotypical effeminate display and behavior. I could play
the sex role game with their pieces and scare the shit out of
them. You want big tits? I got ’em. Now bend over, asshole.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Like this is like deja, totally vu!
(Greg Parkinson) 
If you can’t ask your friends to help you with shopping, they
really aren’t your friends.
(Greg Parkinson) 
I knew someone who argued like you when I was in High School.
He didn’t have any friends. He grew up, though, and last I
heard he was a pleasant, rational person. Maybe he can give
(Greg Parkinson) 
Evolution gave us brains to create language; the next step is
to be able to use it.
(Greg Parkinson) 
The Queen of the Damned has one, and only one, counterpart in
Politickyticky Americana: Nancy.
(Matthew Melmon) 
And who will be Sluggo?
(Greg Parkinson) 
I understand that vilifying self-identified Christians as a
group is technically targeting without taking into account
individual differences, but as an USAan citizen it is very
difficult for me to say that the vast majority of Christ-
worshiping people in this country have not been responsible
for the difficulties that I encounter as a gay man.
(Greg Parkinson) 
You can talk about judging all gay people by Jeffrey Dahmer
but that is, at its core, a specious argument. One or two
crazy gay people — or ten or fifteen — does not in any way
compare to the institutional oppression actively supported by
self-identified Christians and the organizations they
(Greg Parkinson) 
The I’ve-seen-Jesus type of experience is for me the whole
reason for doing it [sex] at all.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Is Gary Phillips actually straight-acting?
(Nick Fitch) 
Compared to you he is.
(Greg Parkinson) 
What has got me in such a state is the lack of enthusiasm I
have for Halloween this year. Life should be monumental in
scope and the celebrations going on this and next week don’t
seem to be very important.
(Joseph E. Cribb) 
Make them important. Make them rituals. Take in the spirits
of all those who are gone or nearly gone and party with a
purpose that you’ve never before known. Give them your eyes,
give them your body, and they will give you perspective and
spirit and energy and most of all joy. You may cry a lot but
it will be an experience you’ll never forget.
(Greg Parkinson) 
You don’t seem to get the concept that when shock is overused
(or marketed) it becomes schlock. Revolt into style.
(Greg Parkinson) 
(Arne Adolfsen) 
(Melinda Shore) 
Get a room.
(Ellen Evans) 
A padded cell? Hands tied. Head butts allowed. My money’s on
(Ken Rudolph) 
I can see it now. Lots of little Arnes and Melindas,
beginning in about 9 months…
(Richard Jasper) 
I’ve yet to see the strap-on that could produce viable sperm.
(Greg Parkinson) 
Beauty gives one privilege and there is no better platform
from which to dispense cruelty.
(Greg Parkinson) 
There’s nothing quite like the indifferent gaze of an iguana.
(Mack Therber) 
It’s actually how I imagine being with Mike Lane would be.
(Greg Parkinson) 
I’m 6’3″ and 210 lbs. I am little in no meanings of the word.
(Greg Parkinson) 
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
Haul ass, Missy! I saw him first and the Monroe Doctrine is
on my side.
(Mike McKinley) 
It’s not the Marilyn Monroe Doctrine, silly.
(Greg Parkinson) 
One of my favorite quotes from a review of a gay porn film
years ago is: “Too much pale scenery, not enough male
(Greg Parkinson) 
Went into the bedroom to rub Me Fella’s back an hour ago.
There was a patch of post-toilet trickle by his crotch that
formed a good approximation of the shape of Australia. Is
this portentous of something?
(Greg Parkinson) 

Parsons, Will
He has sprained both ankles. Ceiling fan accident.
(Will Parsons) 
Is there such a thing as negative correlation?
(Jess Anderson) 
Yes, typically between your posts and brevity.
(Will Parsons) 
So did ya get those wine stains off your shirt?
(Will Parsons) 
No, but i finally got the taste of that fucking licorice out
of my mouth!
(Jake Coughlin) 
See what happens when you start licking anise?
(Will Parsons) 
Then again, Monkey Boy, I don’t have thumbs on my feet
(Mike McKinley) 
Funny, I pictured you having someone’s thumbs on your feet
quite often.
(Will Parsons) 
I’m pretty much out everywhere else. I don’t think anyone
else at work is gay, so it would be a bit uncomfortable.
There is one very cute guy who I *hope* is gay, though 🙂
(Mike C.) 
If he is, and you stay in the closet, you’re unlikely to find
(Robert Coren) 
Be like Robert and wear a caucasian-colored triangle pin!
(Will Parsons) 
Can Seduction Make Straight Men Gay?
No, but it makes them a hell of a lot more entertaining.
(Will Parsons) 
Damn, but I’d love some white bed sheets. Now all I can find
are colored sheets.
(C.L. Lassiter) 
Mine are off-white. Like my virtue.
(Mike McKinley) 
Are they plastic too?
(Will Parsons) 
This being the first year I have actual living things instead
of a patch of irt, I am quite impatient.
(John Whiteside) 
Perhaps if they had been cross-pollinated they would be
coming up faster. You know how to cross-pollinate, don’t you?
You just put your tulips together and blow.
(Will Parsons) 
Why is it that the drummer is always the hottest guy in the
(Will Parsons) 
I’d probably go out with my friend Jeff.
(David Kaye) 
Do other people see him too?
(Will Parsons) 
I wrote a screenplay.
(Mike McKinley) 
Looks like I have some really *butch* competition.
(Brian Kane) 
I’ll show you mine, if…
(Mike McKinley) 
You breathe.
(Will Parsons) 

Parthemore, Joel
I remember visiting Dachau, and seeing the visitors’ film (in
English), where the narrator made the point (as I took it)
that Nazi Germany was the product of a handful of men
terrorizing a nation into cowering obedience. What bullshit.
Just how quickly do the history books start getting
(Joel Parthemore) 

Patten, Lindsay
That there are no ready logical insights is sometimes an
insight in itself.
(Lindsay Patten) 

Pedro, Donn
Knowing you are right is a small consolation as you hear the
jackboots coming to attempt your collection for the camps.
(Donn Pedro) 
Never confuse the unwillingness to do a thing with the
inability to do a thing.
(Donn Pedro) 
Acknowledge your ignorance and do something about it. Learn
something new every day. Make it your goal to depend less
upon the generosity and charity of others by acquiring a wide
variety of skills and experiences. There is nothing wrong
with being good at many things, master of none. A specialist,
while valuable, can be a fish out of water when removed from
the realm of their experience.
(Donn Pedro) 
Acknowledge your ignorance and do something about it. Along
the way you will make some amazing blunders. You will be
dumbfounded at the monumentally stupid things inexperience
can bring you to. You will risk looking the fool to experts.
(Donn Pedro) 
Independence and freedom are only possible when you can truly
survive, maybe thrive, under a wide variety of situations and
environments. Situations and environments that can defeat,
and even kill, the happily ignorant.
(Donn Pedro) 

Pettersen, Michael
We queers are probably especially good at feeling isolated
and paradoxically we are thereby united.
(Michael Pettersen) 
Everyone queer grows up an alien in an alien culture. Even
our parents are not Of Us, usually — we’re changelings,
pods, after all. There are some gays who don’t feel like they
belong in gay culture (and are promptly rejected by the
regular queers for saying so).
(Michael Pettersen) 
If women have evolved enough from the primate state to be
able to deny their instincts and say “no,” then men should
have evolved to the point where they can understand it.
(Michael Pettersen) 

Pierce, Tim
Listen up, muthafuckas. One time and one time only. Again.
THREE e’s – like 3 dots in an ellipsis or 3 e’s in Deee-Lite
Or 3 kings of Orient are or 3 leaves and a berry or 3 blind
muthafuckin’ mice. None of this 2 e crap.
(John Dorrance) 
Sorry, Miss Theeeng.
(Tim Pierce) 
And while I agree with Quayle’s attack on the “Cultural
Elite” I doubt it was his original conception. I am *not* in
the 11%.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Or even in the 10%, judging from your remarks.
(Tim Pierce) 
Sounds like you’re only concerned about de facto special
rights when they are owned by people other than yourself. The
existing system says, “Well, let’s take Joe instead of John;
we don’t want any faggots in this company,” which constitutes
a de facto special right for heterosexuals.
(Tim Pierce) 
It may be morally repugnant to discriminate against someone
on the basis of skin color, but perfectly justifiable to
discriminate on the basis of moral character.
(Darrell Hougen) 
So judge on the basis of moral character, not on the basis of
sexual orientation.
(Tim Pierce) 
I have enough of a brain left that I can attribute these
actions [fag-bashing] to a very small and certainly not
representative slice of the population of Mexican Americans.
(Roger Leuthner) 
Well then, I must not have a brain left anymore. The beatings
from young white heterosexual men in New York, in Houston, in
Miami, in Chicago, in Boston, in Lincoln, in Raleigh, and
many other places must have driven from my head the subtle
distinctions between one group of young white heterosexual
men and another.
(Tim Pierce) 
The bottom line, I think, is this: people who seem to be
highly ignorant of queer culture, queer politics, queer
history, or other things queer are not regarded highly around
(Tim Pierce) 
Let’s say: People who seem to be highly ignorant of the
“politically correct or official line about” queer culture,
etc, etc.
(Alberto Pinkas) 
Well, this ought to be interesting. What, according to you,
is the “politically incorrect line about queer culture?” I’m
really devastatingly interested in a heterosexual’s opinion
of this, you know.
(Tim Pierce) 
I have little doubt that the men’s movement, in its current
state, is anything more than Venus envy.
(Tim Pierce) 
Just had to ask, is fighting violence *with* violence the
(Penn Collins) 
I don’t care if it’s the Answer. It’s better than fighting
violence with nothing.
(Tim Pierce) 
I know some people who think that being Gay is a
psychological disorder, in some cases. They do not believe
that Gay should be given minority status.
(Alberto Pinkas) 
Some people think they’re Napoleon, but it doesn’t make them
(Tim Pierce) 

Pocta, Jim
I played the part of a straight man in several plays. I guess
I was straight acting. I played the part of a gay man in
several plays. I guess i was gay acting. I played the part of
a straight woman in a play. Now *that* was acting!
(Jim Pocta) 

Preston, David
Hold your nose and vote for Bill!
(Howard Solomon) 
Well, I’d rather have a democrat fucking a bimbo than a
republican fucking the country!
(David Preston) 
Death is death, if the brain no longer exists, obviously you
can’t think.
(Lawrence C. Foard) 
But you can still post…
(David Preston) 
Nana is now 99, in a nursing home, healthy, and still as
sharp as a tack (not the best situation when you’re
surrounded by the demented, but she makes do).
(Steve Dyer) 
Ah, then she’d have no problem relating to Usenet…
(David Preston) 
Unfortunately, as Usenet gets out to the masses it will
become diluted.
(Nelson Minar) 
(David Preston) 
So, by extension, people with open relationships would not
fall under this restriction; on the contrary, they show a
precedent of being open and above-board even in sensitive
areas. How do you think good old Ross feels about that?
(Roger Klorese) 
He’d probably try to get his term reduced to two years so he
could avoid the godlessness and immorality.
(David Preston) 
I’m a *fabulous* cook. You’ll forget you ever wanted to eat
meat (grin), but you gotta like kids & cats.
(Ailsa Murphy) 
I’ve heard of ovo-lacto-vegetarian, but
(David Preston) 
When they broadcast this footage, they proceeded it with
something like “KRON has learned that a group of paedophiles
has been meeting in a public library.” They implied over and
over again that these people, whose faces they were showing
on TV, were criminals. Hell, maybe half of them are, but the
other half have been slandered and had their reputations
ruined. It’s supposed to be innocent until proven guilty, not
innocent until caught in the wrong place on a slow news day.
(David Preston) 
Good ol’ Merriam-Webster knows that you can’t take ‘u’ out of
(David Preston) 
Grizz looks like a mixture between a collie and a German
(Laura Robinson) 
This is soc.motss, perhaps you’re looking for soc.mutts?
(David Preston) 

Prime, Martin
Yesterday I had a premonition that I would have Deja vu
(Martin Prime) 

Puterbaugh, Geoffrey
Just as hypocritical is your happy claim that Church X has
been treating gays nicely for 3 years — and your absolute
refusal to deal with Church Y, which has been murdering us
for 2,000 years. “Oh, but they weren’t really Christians.”
Tell it to the Marines.
(Geoffrey Puterbaugh) 

Putnam, Jeff
I’m not sure that most elementary science courses teach
people to think rationally. I was a math major and was (and
still am) quite interested in mathematical logic, but I’m
still quite capable of being as irrational as anyone.
(Jeff Putnam) 
Sometimes I think we need pre-college. Two years to fill the
gaps and undo the damage that high schools leave. Basics like
how to read and write, simple science and math…
(Jeff Putnam) 

Ramirez, Bethany
It’s bad enough that my roommate is one of those
multiple-cereal-boxes-open-at-the-same-time people, so I know
they’re sitting there in the cabinet; all opened; talking
amongst themselves; conspiring against me …
(Alex Elliott) 
Just think, tho — if they are conspiring, and they do
overthrow you, you get to be infamous as the first victim of
*true* cereal murder.
(Bethany Ramirez) 
Is there NO topic that you people cannot drone on and on
about ad infinitum?
(Mike Lane) 
Your intelligence.
(Bethany Ramirez) 

Rea, Robert
Well, the undergrads who work in our office do turn to me
when they feel they need to expand their coprabulary. This
past week I suggested “fuckwad” as an alternative to
(Mary Ballard) 
I like the term “dildohead,” defined as someone who lacks the
personal integrity and authenticity to be a dickhead.
(Robert Rea ) 

Reaser, Mike
I have to eat so much crow that Stove Top has brought out a
stuffing to go with it.
(Mike Reaser) 
*X* (*dripping* testosterone)
(Matthew Melmon ) 
Hon, if it’s dripping shouldn’t you check your Ziploc bag? It
sounds to me as if your yellow and blue didn’t make green.
(Mike Reaser) 
My powers of motivation are so weak that lately I haven’t
even felt like getting appropriately dressed for
(Mike Reaser) 
I figure [Oliver North] *must* be a red-hanky-right. After
all, *someone* has their arm up his ass, moving his mouth and
supplying the words.
(Mike Reaser) 
How long do gay men and lesbians live?
(S. Higgins) 
Until last call.
(Mike Reaser) 
Honey, the cheeks of my ass are named “Wide” and “Load”,
respectively. All I’d need is a spinning warning light on my
head to look like a Mobile Home Convoy on an Interstate.
(Mike Reaser) 
Caelum non animum mutant qui trans mare current.
Those who cross the sea change their skies but not their
(Jack Hamilton ) 
Heavens, a dead mutant is floating with the ocean current.
(Leith Chu) 
Kyle hasn’t changed the animal into an up-to-date horse.
(Jess Anderson) 
Caleb was a mutant non-animal but he’s currently a
transsexual horse.
(Mike Reaser) 

Reid, Ro
See my big frustration here is that my main squeeze has
turned out to be a Late Blooming Nerd, and is in the habit of
(in the midst of cuddling) saying sweet things like “you
think if I disable the caching it would work?”
(Ro Reid) 
When catching fireflies, the mouth of the jar must be large
enough to encompass the past, present, and future of the
(Ro Reid) 
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to take 10 minutes and a
program that will feed all the hungry people in the world.
The fact that stores charge 60 cents for a buttered roll is
(Ro Reid) 

Remner, P J
I was surprised, after a two-year absence, that cigarette
prices in California are about $1 more per pack than when I
left. I paid $5 for a pack of Camels at some fag bar in SF,
but had to go outside to smoke em.
(David Broudy) 
Wow, you get screwed twice and you haven’t even met anyone
(P. J. Remner) 

Rizzo, Emily
Parents can be unhappy even if they aren’t homophobic because
they realize that their child will face a life of
discrimination. Parents want the best for their children, and
unfortunately in our society “the best” comes easier to
(Emily Rizzo) 

Rizzo, Ron
First AIDS came for the homosexuals, then the hemophiliacs,
then the IV drug users, then their families, then *their*
sexual partners, …. Eventually, like Martin Niemoller,
we’re gonna run out of groups of “others.”
(Ron Rizzo) 
Most dramatic differences have no moral dimension, except as
indications of the intrinsic arbitrariness and unfairness of
(Ron Rizzo) 
The Peace Corps: capitalist Komsomol, driving the conistogas
of consumerism across the prairie of the world’s poor.
(Ron Rizzo) 

Roberto, Katia
Muscular Kel in his short shorts is the hotest followed by
tall Mitch.
I didn’t know you had to take a test to be a ho.
(Katia Roberto) 
Dontcha hate it when people answer rhetorical questions?
(Clay Colwell) 
(Katia Roberto) 

Roberts, Mark
No leftists. No weirdos. No queers.
(Tony Faradjian) 
No life.
(Mark Roberts) 
Personally, I always wear my football helmet in the bedroom.
(Brian Kane) 
What, when playing wide receiver?
(Mark Roberts) 
I’m sorry about My Ego. It *is* a brute, y’know.
(Richard Jasper) 
Leggo your Ego.
(Mark Roberts) 
I don’t believe there is a cabal. There is a system of
alliance, however.
(Kevin Eyedrama ) 
Would you like cheese with that Triple Entente and cheap
(Mark Roberts) 
[He] left in *such* a huff [and] never gave any specifics
about what happened other than “y’all are so *clubby*!”, and
others have picked up the ball and run off the field,
ostensibly in search of their own goalposts in a field far
far away.
(Clayton Colwell) 
While playing hockey with a baseball bat.
(Mark Roberts) 
You can brag all you like about being a high flying consumer,
but you’re still not going to get any, you pompous fossil
(Joseph Canale) 
If auto-crucifixion could be invented, you’d hold the patent.
(Mark Roberts) 
Clinton wants too hard To Be Liked. And perhaps that is
indeed the ultimate consequence of the poll-driven,
commercial-laden, consultant-infested presidential selection
process that has evolved in the United States. You’re not
electing a president, you’re electing a Capital Buddy.
(Mark Roberts) 
I confess that I’m not one of those who wears rainbow
insignias and flashes lambdas all over the place. I don’t
regard myself as a member of the gay “tribe.” I’m just a
human being who fucks his own sex.
(Timothy F. Mulligan) 
When you vote Republican, you fuck *yourself*.
(Mark Roberts) 
What is the name for the rhetorical device wherein someone
tries to mix as many different contexts together as possible?
(Clay Colwell) 
(Mark Roberts) 

Rogers, David Christopher
If I may be so bold as to suggest another project for
heterosexuals, try wearing a “gay-sloganed” button, or better
yet, T-shirt to work, around shopping, etc. I find the
reactions I get when I wear a T-shirt which says
“LEAGUE–Lesbian and Gay United Employees of AT&T” are
markedly different than when I wear one that says (for
example) “Boston.”
(Evelyn Leeper) 
Depending on your state, the reaction may be as minimal as a
delayed promotion, or as catastrophic as being fired. I
recommend avoiding these dangerous phrases and sticking to
speech with more constitutional protections, such as burning
crosses on your co-worker’s lawns.
(David Christopher Rogers) 
Currently, we have true equality: both gay people and
straight people can be fired because they’re gay.
(David Christopher Rogers) 
Championing the inner swine isn’t as easy as it might seem.
(David Christopher Rogers) 

Rowley, Owen
Well I follow the *way* called Floating Anarchy and practice
Guerilla Ontology in the quest of same. The goal is to find
out where the *good shit* is and buffer yourself from the bad
shit. Of course these are subjective judgments, subject to
shifting tastes. It’s a lot like surfing, actually.
(Owen Rowley) 
A democratic regime which allows its highest court to
maintain states’ rights to sodomy laws based on biblical
precedent has lost its luster for me.
(Owen Rowley) 
If you want to be free, act free.
(Owen Rowley) 
Ya know after I admitted to myself that I really wanted men,
I looked back at my past and it was obvious!
(Owen Rowley) 
That’s the problem with religion: you beat your way past the
clerics, fight your way through the demons, stand before the
holy of holies, and when you rip away the veil, there’s
nothing there but a mirror.
(Owen Rowley) 
Notice how Colorado Amendment 2 only impacts the everyday
lives of queers unless queers pass the impact along to those
who are still first-class citizens.
(Owen Rowley) 

Rudolph, Ken
My most frightening telephone experience was when Howard
called me from a party at the Center of the Universe and
suddenly *X* got on the line and sang all of “La Donna e
mobile” at full volume with made-up “Italian” words.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
I could have sworn it was that “Croce e delizia” thingy from
(Rod Williams) 
It’s those wacky Pacbell phone lines. Utter something
delicious on one end and it invariably comes out immobile on
the other.
(Ken Rudolph) 
Is stinky shit the contempo-Christian term for sin?
(Kristin Bergen) 
Actually, that goes back to Martin Luther.
(Frank Elliott) 
Isn’t he, like, the guy who nailed his 95 feces to the church
(Kenneth Callicott) 
His shit probably stunk even more because of his diet of
(Ken Rudolph) 
Don’t forget the Catholic Worker movement founded by Dorothy
(Joseph Canale) 
In the dark, all Dorothys are the same.
(Ken Rudolph) 
Are you objecting to sweetness itself or to sweetness in a
zinfandel? Unless one’s taste is rather narrow, surely sweet
wines have their place.
(Edgar J. Lawrence) 
They do, on the Mogen David shelf.
(Eric Holeman) 
The one time I bought a bottle of Chateau Yquem, I assure you
it was nowhere near any Mogen David.
(Edgar J. Lawrence) 
There’s sweet and there’s *sweet*. Comparing white zin to
d’Yquem is like comparing a dry cocoa puff to a Godiva
chocolate truffle.
(Ken Rudolph) 
“You really are an axe murderer, arne’t you Mike?”
(Mike Lane) 
What a great soc.motss-specific typo! Arne’t you proud?
(Ken Rudolph) 
To this day, I drink by putting the glass to the right side
of my mouth because when I was a kid, I frequently had a book
on the left side of my place setting. Drinking on the right
kept the glass from blocking my view.
(Alex Elliott) 
I always read when I’m dining alone … and I, too, favor the
book being on the left of the place setting. Nevertheless I’m
(Ken Rudolph) 
Subject: Re: everyone nedds someone
I ned someone deily.
(Ann Burlingham) 
Would weakly do?
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Maybe semi-anneli?
(Ken Rudolph) 

Rudolph, Lee
Now is this strictly an urban phenomenon or do people on
suburban tree-lined campuses regularly have to dodge birds
falling out of nests?
(Emily Rizzo) 
Because God’s eye is on the sparrow, the sparrow’s on the
straight and narrow. God’s position on the pigeon is a matter
of religion.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Fascism allows people to escape responsibility by saying,
“Well, everybody *else* was doing it, so I *thought* it was
(David A. Kaye) 
I thought that was flirtism.
(Lee Rudolph) 
And remember, pearls are just grit’s way to get itself thrown
before swine!
(Lee Rudolph) 
Be kind, Mike. I do your bidding more than you know.
(Kevin Eyedrama) 
I presume you play dummy.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Once you’re outside New York City, everything else is
(Lee Rudolph) 
[Of Timothy F. Mulligan’s leaving soc.motss only to show up
again not long after:] Apparently one does so repeatedly.
“And I *really* mean it this time.”
(Melinda Shore) 
It’s no fun to stomp out and slam the door if no one cares,
after all.
(Amanda Walker) 
How do you slam a revolving door?
(Lee Rudolph) 
Why don’t they call it Mithrasmas?
(John Dorrance) 
Mithraists of my acquiantance call it “Mithramas”.
(Amanda Walker) 
Where do they get their bulls?
(Ellen Evans) 
From the Pope, of course, like everyone else.
(Lee Rudolph) 
What I’ve said repeatedly is that those behaviors, which are
not remotely determined by gender, are tools by which macho
culture is enforced and that anyone, male or female, who
takes them up might as well take up the other symbols of that
culture, including the dildos and the cojones.
(Richard Jasper) 
Sigh. No, Richard, *not* baloney. To paraphrase your
response: “Anyone who acts macho might as well take up male
(Amanda Walker) 
Keeping up with the cojoneses?
(Lee Rudolph) 
I did like the biscuits. you were the one who insisted on
pointing out to all and sundry that you had dry biscuits —
as though sundry had asked.
(Lisa Cohen) 
I’ve always liked Sundry, but I don’t understand why she
always gets singled out;
(Robert Coren) 
What I don’t understand is the dry biscuit connection; I
thought she did tomatoes.
(Lee Rudolph) 
What can I say? I’m just *no* *fun*! An internet-empowered
wet blanket.
(Charlie Fulton) 
It’s not how wet the blanket is, it’s how you get it wet.
(Lee Rudolph) 
It’s hard to write in blood over the Internet, though Lord
knows I try.
(Steven Levine) 
You have to work up to it via vomit and diarrhea. The ladder
of success, dontchaknow.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Back when Ronald Reagan was president, he used to claim that
he didn’t dye his hair, despite not showing any gray at his
age. My father’s comment on this was, “I guess that he has
his barber dye it for him!”
(John F. Eldredge) 
My aunt, at the age of 76 (nearly 77) has maybe three grey
hairs on her head.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
What a coincidence! Reagan has maybe three grey cells *in*
his head!
(Lee Rudolph) 
What if eveything gives one an earworm?
(Ann Burlingham) 
Consider yourself composer material.
(Corry Wyngaarden) 
I think I am so far from it that I spent several seconds
trying to figure out what you meant. I thought maybe
(Ann Burlingham) 
Perhaps, like Marina’s Issa’s old dog, you are listening
intently, as if to the worksongs of the worms.
Decomposer material.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Any ideas on what to try when the liquid plumber stops
(Dvora Silberman) 
Demand to speak to his supervisor?
(Lee Rudolph) 
You think distrust of the police is really widespread, huh?
(Tony Rzepela) 
At least in urban areas, you betcha. Ask a cop.
(Amanda Walker) 
Oh, like you can believe what (s)he tells you.
(Lee Rudolph) 
They were speaking Destructive Elvish.
(Robert Coren) 
(Ann Burlingham) 
Lacanically deridaing people?
(Jess Anderson) 
I deman that you stop all traces of this cascade immediately.
(Paul Wallich) 
It’s plain the suchness of your subtext instantiates a
paradigm of repression.
(Jess Anderson) 
My _sub_text? Not bloomin’ likely.
(Paul Wallich) 
The Kursk of the working class.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Oooooh, Astroboy, I’m a Taurus.
(Mike McKinley) 
Astronomical, astrological, or anatomical?
(Brian Kane) 
(Lee Rudolph) 
Rochester is slated to have horses this spring, courtesy of
High Falls Brewing (nee Genesee) and its 12 Horse Ale.
(Mike McManus) 
Genesee changed its name? Horses?
(Ann Burlingham) 
On leave from the production crew at Anheuser-Busch.
(Lee Rudolph) 
I pride myself on my lack of vanity.
(Lee Rudolph) 
We were discussing the seventh century, when Islam exploded,
sweeping across North Africa in less than a hundred years,
leaving a trail of blood. An anxious student explodes,
characteristing my assessment of the Muslims’ astonishing
conquest as “militaristic.” “Well, yeah,” I reply. He saw it
as racist. “What do you think,” I asked him, “people just
changed religions basically overnight because they were
really nice guys?”
His answer, and remember this is anything-goes art school,
knocked me down: “Well, before Islam unified North Africa,
people were just running around believing whatever they
(Sarah Vowell) 
I always loved Claude Levi-Strauss’ opinion of Islam, but he
was Jewish, n’est-ce pas?
(Mike McKinley) 
Djinns are pre-Islamic.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Meanwhile over here the government is considering locking
people up who haven’t been convicted of anything, but who are
considered *likely* to commit a crime, because they are
judged by an appropriate panel of suitably qualified people
to have a personality disorder…
(John Fisher) 
That’s a terribly severe punishment simply for being a member
of the Cabinet or the Shadow Cabinet, isn’t it? Not the being
locked up so much as the having to share quarters with Henry
Kissinger and so on.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Speaking of [the flag]… Why is it bad for a person to seek
solace and inspiration in religion but good to seek the same
in a rectangular piece of cloth?
(Michael Palmer) 
You could kill two birds with one stone, and go for a man of
the cloth.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Sorry, Mommy.
(Tony Rzepela) 
Sorry, Mommy — what?
(Mike McKinley) 
Sorry, Mommy, *Sir*!
(Lee Rudolph) 
When *is* National Brotherhood Week?
(Ann Burlingham) 
It lasts all year now. Everyone who wants to gets to act like
a soft-spoken white male.
(Lee Rudolph) 
You disparage your inner workings. Self loathing stalker.
(Michael Thomas) 
Puts me in mind of Euell Gibbons, it do.
Lee “Stalking the Wild Disparage-Us” Rudolph
(Lee Rudolph) 
What’s in a Snowball? I’m partial to mojitos, you know. No
red wine, please: it makes me amorous.
(Ann Burlingham) 
But does it leave you half assuaged for Itylus, for the
Thracian ships and the foreign faces, the tongueless vigil,
and all the pain?
(Lee Rudolph) 
Gay weddings do not celebrate the merging of bloodlines and
the consolidation of dynastic power.
Rats. I hadn’t realized that I’d foregone my dynastic power.
(Michael Thomas) 
Those who livenasty, dynasty.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Butch toppitude is a matter of attitude, not anatomy.
(Marina Muilwijk) 
Having a nice big cock that’s always hard helps, n’est-ce
(Mike McKinley) 
Mike, meet Marina; Marina, this is Mike.
(Jess Anderson) 
Hi, Mike, nice to meet you. Do you want to see what I’ve
brought you?
(Marina Muilwijk) 
The pleasure is all mine. Is it a tulip?
(Mike McKinley) 
No, but perhaps if you’re very good you may plant tulips on
(Lee Rudolph) 
I reckon that:
“Vile. Evil!”
“Live” [and how is _this_ pronounced and sung?]
Is a mini-opera in itself.
(David Horne) 
ummm… i think it’s called The Sons of Levi.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
And the Broadway version will be Levis in the Sun.
(Jess Anderson) 
starring Elvis, of chorus.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Mind that it doesn’t tip too much towards _The Barber of
(Lee Rudolph) 
I may be biased by growing up
(David A. Kaye) 
We’ll just have to wait and see.
(Lee Rudolph) 
My understanding is that Wagner originally wanted [the Ring]
done on four successive evenings, but that turned out to be
more than Wotan and/or Brunnhilde could handle.
(Robert Coren) 
If you want to prevail in the World Series of Opera, you need
a really deep bullpen.
(Lee Rudolph) 
… male reproductive minutiae.
(Tony Rzepela) 
I don’t know what kind of spam *you* get, but according to
what *I* get, apparently there are countermeasures.
(Lee Rudolph) 
Oh, Dr. Fitchy! I’d love to hear you oink!
(Mike McKinley) 
You are sui generis.
(Lee Rudolph) 
… denotes a subkind
(Arnold Zwicky) 
I’ve decided I like this adjective. There are definitely days
when I feel subkind.
(Kathryn Burlingham) 
Everything I learned about being mean, I learned in
(Lee Rudolph) 
I’ve been [to Bangkok], and to other pungent and humid
(Ruth Lawrence) 
Ah, yes. Well, who hasn’t, really, when you come right down
to it?
(Lee Rudolph) 
Usage dictionaries are regularly wildly at variance with each
other on the discrimination of near-synonyms, like “partly”
vs “partly”.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
That one *always* gives me trouble.
(Lee Rudolph) 
I’ve had to hold up my old, bitter, vicious and hysterical
end all by myself.
(Mike McKinley) 
Isn’t that what girdles are for?
(Lee Rudolph) 
I have bandwidth flying out of my ass!
(Mike McKinley) 
That’s the most incontinent thing I’ve ever read in
(Lee Rudolph) 

Rzepela, Tony
It seems like a pretty pathetic way to protest. People want
to kill you for a few minutes, and then forget you exist.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Just like posting on Usenet, but you don’t get your clothes
(Tony Rzepela) 
It’s not Clinton’s fault that practically the whole country
hates faggots (and doesn’t see lesbians). He didn’t create a
world where you can fag-bash your way to success.
(Tony Rzepela) 
Clinton-hatred has a lot to do with fallout from the Cultural
Wars of the 60s. The same fucking assholes, fighting the same
stupid battles, but now they’re extra mad over what happened
to poor Dick Nixon, saint of their professional criminal
(Tony Rzepela) 
The only reason I can imagine wanting to “date” a person is
because one knows one wants to have sex with that person.
(Gwendolyn Dean) 
But what about milkshakes at the Malt Shoppe after school?
And his high-school ring?? I only want someone *special* to
fill my secret place!
(Tony Rzepela) 
Maybe things have come full circle, and str8 boyz now have
their own clone look. Rather than aping our accoutrements, as
they’ve done in the past, they’ve discovered face-to-face the
anxieties that make one want to put on hyper-butch outfits
and work out six days a week. (The added twist of carrying
concealed weapons is a step forward: they’re adding their own
elements, as Elsa Clench might say….)
(Tony Rzepela) 
IMWTK: what exactly is involved in “barefronting”? Is it as
simple as merely removing one’s shirt?
(Clay Colwell) 
I would imagine it means using an up-front hole without a
condom. John, being incredibly insertive for the moment —
please forgive.
(John Dorrance) 
Own menhin it.
(Tony Rzepela) 
Oh! Guess what I learned in the local AOL chatroom yesterday!
(“No profile = No personality”) 
(Tony Rzepela) 
So what’s up with this new “deluge” of showing buff shirtless
guys in ads for services to help combat depression?
(Clay Colwell) 
If you’re depressed, they ship one to your door?
(Tony Rzepela) 
Your appointment with homosexual parity will have to be
postponed — unless you’d like to wait here in case a slot
opens up? We have some year-old magazines, and there’s a
coffee machine down the hall.
(Tony Rzepela) 
Are you conflating MissQuarry and MissKinley?
(Chris Hansen) 
Well, we are in the same time zone.
(Frank McQuarry) 
Swift Boa Drag Queens for Truth!!!
(Tony Rzepela) 
I expected it to be in your mother tongue: Sumerian.
(Michael Palmer) 
Ur, no.
(Tony Rzepela) 

Sabatier, Conrad
Matthew’s demonstrated sufficient verve with words and nerve
that swerves over a long enough time that he is, in fact, Old
Guard, even as he continues to rail against those who were
Old Guard when he showed up.
(Tim Wilson) 
Everything old is new again.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Amazing what a little hair coloring can do, eh?
(Conrad Sabatier) 

Safier, Scott
Better blatant than latent.
(Scott Safier) 
Regardless of similarities of appearance, a fetal pig is
never going to turn into a human being.
(John Whiteside) 
Ahhh, but human beings often turn into pigs, don’t they?
(Scott Safier) 
Poetry is defined as an artistic form that uses high language
and rhythm to illicit a concept.
(Scott Safier) 
I am very political, and do lots of political stuff. As such,
I have the integrity of a worm — I am willing to form
alliances and compromise my priciples toward acheiving what I
think is a greater good.
(Scott Safier) 
Your chance of meeting a prime catch (he has a job, an
education and a home) is much higher than I found in Seattle,
LA, San Diego, or Palm Springs.
(Gary Stein) 
My dear! I may have to move. And I’m a butch top, too.
(Mike McKinley) 
And *I* am Marie of Roumania.
(Mike Reaser) 
And *I* am Mary, Queen of Scots.
(Mary Ballard) 
I am Scott, Queen of Marys
(Scott Safier) 
My complaints about your spelling are just an outward and
visible sign of my general dismay.
(Richard Jasper) 
No, that’s not it.
(Scott Safier) 
Amazing. Your ability to read minds, that is.
(Richard Jasper) 
When I read, I prefer something with some depth and a good
storyline. You sir, are no Harry Potter.
(Scott Safier) 
I somehow doubt that Minneapolis actually is second only to
NYC in terms of live theater.
(Ken Rudolph) 
I much prefer dead theatre.
(Mike McKinley) 
(Scott Safier) 
I already have a big pulsating brain.
(Michael Thomas) 
Have you ever considered using it?
(Scott Safier) 
Shrub is to intelligence what Margaret Thatcher is to beauty.
(Scott Safier) 
Memory is the third thing to go.
(Scott Safier) 
I assume you’ve forgotten the other two.
(David Fenton) 
Foreskin and virginity.
(Scott Safier) 
It’s the Scotts spelling.
(Michael Palmer) 
I strike when you least suspect it.
(Scott Safier) 
Vitriol is the viagra of soc.motss.
(Scott Safier) 

Schrock, Doretta
Homosexuals do build relationships and families; we are no
more able nor inclined to stop doing that than heterosexuals
are. Negative pressures from society don’t prevent us from
falling in love; they just make us suffer for it when we do.
My partner and my child and I are in fact a family. The
question is whether or not society tries to undermine the
functioning of my family at every opportunity. You are
entitled to choose to participate in that undermining, of
course, but you should not be surprised to be labeled a
homophobe if you do. It is more than sex that is the issue
for most homosexuals; it is our lives and our families.
(Doretta Schrock) 
I may believe that Buddhism is wrong and that all Buddhists
will inevitably burn in hell. I may believe that black people
are inferior to white people. I may hold those beliefs quite
strongly. I may believe that any other position is absolutely
immoral and a majority of the populace may well agree with
me. But the extent to which we succeed in encoding those
beliefs into our legal and social structure is the extent to
which we are not a free society.
(Doretta Schrock) 
The morality advocated by those you call “gay liberation’s
true believers” is indeed a radical one. It is rooted in such
tenets as “all men are created equal” and that everyone is
entitled to “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” It
is based on a strong belief in freedom of association,
freedom of religion, the free exercise of individual rights
and responsibilities, freedom of speech. All very radical
ideas — still.
(Doretta Schrock) 
You, along with other heterosexuals, clearly have the power
to ensure that my child be taught by her teachers that
homosexuality is wrong or to pretend that we don’t exist.
You, collectively, have the power to deny her the protection
of her stepmother’s health insurance should I become unable
to work. You have the power to make sure that my pension
benefits are unavailable to my partner. You have the power to
ensure that in order to protect my family I must pretend in
public that my partner and I do not have the deeply committed
relationship that we do in fact share. You have the power to
send my child the message that her family is not real and her
parents are bad people. I do not believe that it is in your
best interest to do these things. More importantly, I will
never, ever, acquiesce in them. I cannot.
(Doretta Schrock) 
Your “reasonable middle ground” offers me the right to
freedom from arrest for “homosexual acts” and the right to
sue employers or landlords who discriminate against me. In
exchange, I must deny the truth and meekly help in the
pretense that all the stable, healthy families in Oregon are
heterosexual. I must give up the hope that, ultimately, truth
does prevail. Is there such a thing as “half a loaf of
liberty?” I think not.
(Doretta Schrock) 

Schwark, Ry
Some days you’re the spark that lights the bonfire, some days
the wood’s just all wet.
(Ry Schwark) 
I thank you for letting me know that I was never and will
never be without a community. But that dark and as yet
unhealed part of me still cries, “Where were you when I
needed you?”
(Peter Kim) 
We were here. We have always been here. Since before time was
counted we have been here, walkers between worlds. Shamans,
Perverts, Godesses, Heretics, Healers, and more. Our ancient
eyes watch as they always have, and we stood next to you with
arms outstretched waiting for you to open your
terror-stricken eyes and reach out to us.
(Ry Schwark) 
This is soc.motss. We never leave anything or anyone alone.
It wouldn’t be supportive.
(Ry Schwark) 
I’d settle for 8 inches!
(John Dorrance) 
I’ll be damned if I’m cutting off that much for anybody!
(Ry Schwark) 
I think being visibly out means different things to different
people, from queeny queers to Way BUTCH and in your face.
(Ry Schwark) 
Just because some guy in an ad asks for straight-acting
doesn’t mean he’s real closeted (though the implication is
there), but it does rather strongly imply that he’s suffering
a severe clue deficiency.
(Ry Schwark) 
Outing is not a simple issue. It is a violent scream of rage
to move beyond private tolerance, as long as strayts don’t
see you, to a demand for equality and that being publicly gay
is not something to be ashamed of.
(Ry Schwark) 
Welcome out of the closet to life. It is a war zone, a
furnace, an overgrown secret garden, a thunderstorm, a snowy
morning, a bloody scalpel, and moonlit laughter. No one
escapes unbloodied, except those who don’t play, and they are
the saddest of all, by far.
(Ry Schwark) 
When I talk to clueless straight people, and they tell me
“That Gay Bashing is *horrible*, of course, everybody agrees
with that, but don’t you think the Homophobia stuff is just a
little bit overblown? I mean everybody gets called names
sometimes, don’t you think the gay community is just a little
bit touchy?” It is about at this point in the conversation
that a huge rush of testosterone hits the blood stream and I
have an incredible urge to beat them over the head with the
2×4. I *hate* straight people who use their perception of the
world to view my world.
(Ry Schwark) 
Perfection is when expectations and reality actually meet.
(Ry Schwark) 
Happiness is a warm puppy, stir-fried with scallions and red
(Ry Schwark) 
The problem is that 90 percent of all people believe that as
long as you can quote numbers, you must really know what
you’re talking about.
(Ry Schwark) 
You got jumped for being stupid and pedantic. You have to
have thoughts to get accused of thought crimes, so you’re
safe there.
(Ry Schwark) 
So you other muffins, come out and play in our dangerous
paradise and win your own scars and laugh your own laughter.
(Ry Schwark) 
Every year, my life has been getting better. Every year. It’s
amazing, you’d expect it to stop, but every year I have
gained more than the last. It makes me wonder what more could
be in store for me.
(Ry Schwark) 
But the internecine verbal violence has simply worn me out.
I’m not “straight-acting, straight looking,” but I know too
many men in that category who feel marginalized. The margins
have been made too wide, and chasm is left in the middle.
(Elf Sternberg) 
Until people get it through their heads that it is not we who
are responsible for this distortion of the reality of our
community but the media, we will continue to have this
internecine verbal violence. You have said the margins are
too wide. Tell me who I should throw out of the boat.
(Ry Schwark) 
If you make it so easy that even a moron can, he will.
(Ry Schwark) 

Seebacher, Ellen
What has Barbara Bush done to hurt you?
(Tom Farrell) 
What do those who cheer at KKK rallies do to hurt us?
(Ellen Seebacher) 
Don’t fault Barbara Bush for loving and supporting her
husband. She’s doing what she thinks is right, no matter if
you agree with it or not.
(Tom Farrell) 
Don’t fault those women who went around plugging “Kinder,
Kirche, Kueche.” They were just going with what they thought
was right. Just because they yelled “Heil” with the men
doesn’t mean we should think they were bad or anything.
(Ellen Seebacher) 

Sewell, Doug
Family Values: the sexist, racist, homophobic, classist,
“Christian” values of the 50s.
(Doug Sewell) 

Shaevel, Jeff
We’re both civilized. We just use different civilizations as
our standard.
(Jeff Shaevel) 

Shafer, Mary
People don’t change when they get older, they just get more
like they are.
(Mary Shafer) 
NASA doesn’t have any live weapons; we can only drop
management paperwork on those who peeve us — but with a B-52
we can drop a *lot* of it!
(Mary Shafer) 
Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don’t have the
balls to live in the real world.
(Mary Shafer) 

Shaumeyer, J N
In the category of letters-that-I-never-finished-reading, I
recently received the following in the mail:

From: “Americans for Limited Terms”
Dear Fellow American:
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know….
(J.N. Schaumeyer) 
Oh hell, pour me another one a them John Thomases.
(Roger Phillips) 
I’ll have what he’s having. Make mine a double.
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
To many people, liberty has become a property, to be owned
only by those who can buy it or barter for it.
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
The strength of the feeling we have, the knowledge that we
have of what men loving men means, does not depend on the
words we use to describe it.
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
I think I’ll go someplace where I can find *intelligent*
(Alan Williams) 
-{clutch the pearls!}- One does so hate long goodbyes.
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
My opinion is just as important as yours. No more so, no less
(+Unknown ) 

That one opinion is just as good as another, that every
statement labeled as an opinion is equally deserving of
consideration, is as specious as the argument that
creationism, being a so-called theory, is as good as the
theory of evolution, which [after all] is *just* another

In matters of taste, say, what is the best flavor of ice
cream, or who is the absolutely hottest man in the world, I
recognize the province of opinion, and expect that my opinion
may differ from that of others.

When it comes to determining matters of right behavior,
responsibility, morality, or any principle which I use to
shape my life, opinion is not an applicable word. My personal
tenets are not merely opinions, and the opposing tenets of
another are not a priori as good as mine, since I believe
mine correct, chosen as such after reflection.

I recognize the value of compromise, but I cannot accept
compromise as a way of life, applicable to every contention.
Opinions are amenable to compromise, principles are not.

My principles are not immutable; they are open to
demonstration that they are false, unsupportable, or
contradictory. However, they will not succumb to dogma or
unthinking arguments, nor are they prey to trumped-up
opinions. My ethics is open to change by argument, not

I am without foundation if I believe my principles are simply
opinions. Without the belief that they are true, I am lost to
the whims of taste. But I do myself the worst disservice if I
am not willing to reject an unsatisfactory or false

I accord principles the respect they deserve, and expect the
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
When will we learn that freedom is not in finite supply, that
liberty begets liberty?
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
My sexuality has never been more a normal, natural, everyday
part of me than it’s become ever since I decided to give up
passing for straight.
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 

Sheppard, Robin
Metanoia (noun) 1. Unreasonable fear of metal. 2. Lack of
ability or desire to use meta tags on web pages. (verb) 1.
Havin been introduced to: “I meta gin-soaked barroom queen in
(Robin Sheppard) 

Shore, Melinda
Here’s an idea: bring one of your HIV-breeding “friends” home
and make your parents *really* proud.
(Michael Chapman) 
Here’s an idea: stick an IV in your ear, your brain is
severely undernourished.
(Jake Coughlin) 
Indeed. It’s enema time!
(Melinda Shore) 
Just feeling a little annoyed and political today.
(Donald Hardy) 
Hang onto the feeling — with a little righteous living, you
can feel annoyed and political every day.
(Melinda Shore) 
I’d say that self-hating homos who would sell out other gay
and lesbian people at the drop of a dime is a pretty negative
stereotype, wouldn’t you? And yet they keep at it. Sigh.
(Melinda Shore) 
Typing for speed and I sacrificed clarity.
(Bob Sarver) 
We know what you meant, you moron. Now go spread your cheeks
for someone who cares.
(Melinda Shore) 
I have gotten several pieces of email from various folks who
are “silent lurkers” on this newsgroup; that is, they read
but never post (or so they tell me).
(Bob Sarver) 
Yeah, but I’ve gotten hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and
hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of emails
from people who don’t post because you make them embarrassed
to be homosexual. Heels up, Boob!
(Melinda Shore) 
Try reading *all* my posts.
(Alan Williams) 
And don’t forget the anti-emetic!
(Melinda Shore) 
Do lesbians always travel in schools, like fish?
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
Naah. We travel in packs, which are a lot like schools but
massively more menacing.
(Melinda Shore) 
Could it be that Phool is holding all homosexuals responsible
for Cretin receiving obscene phone calls? Is he requesting
that all homosexuals publicly castigate whoever it is that’s
harassing Cretin? I haven’t seen either Phool or Cretin
denounce whoever it is that is posting pictures of underage
girls to alt.binaries.pictures.erotica and I’ve never seen
either of them apologize for “Big Tits Monthly,” the 1929
stock market crash, or Nehru jackets, so it seems to me that
neither is in any position to make any demands whatsoever in
this regard.
(Melinda Shore) 
That said, I’d like to mention that I always have to laugh
when guys like those in soc.neander^H^H^H^H^H^H^Hmen complain
about man-hating feminists. Well, gee, how on earth could any
woman resent these guys when they obviously hold women in
such high regard and have such a deep and abiding commitment
to gender equity?
(Melinda Shore) 
If God didn’t intend for there to be lesbians, she wouldn’t
have designed in fingers and skin.
(Melinda Shore) 
Okay, perhaps “insensitive” was a poor choice of words. How
about “oblivious?”
(Melinda Shore) 
I named her [his sister’s Barbie doll, hair buzzed, arms
replaced with G.I.Joe’s] Spinster Bitch, the Lesbian Death
(Jake Coughlin) 
Wow! I never, ever thought anyone would name a doll after me.
(Melinda Shore) 
The use of either ‘PC’ or ‘lighten up’ is usually enough to
cause me to junk an article: the former indicates that the
writer is a raving moron incapable of original thought, while
the latter is a pretty clear indication that the writer is an
insensitive clod.
(Melinda Shore) 
The reason that bigotry and libertarianism *seem* to go hand
in hand is that it provides people a pseudo-intellectual,
pseudo-economic rationale for their intrinsic selfishness.
(Melinda Shore) 
People who attempt to have reasoned discussions with raving
morons deserve what they get.
(Melinda Shore) 
While there have been other notable victories and losses and
other high-profile public protests, the Stonewall riot was a
remarkable event. I would venture that it’s on a par with the
events that led to the modern-day celebration of Hanukkah
(which seems to me to be about Jewish militarism and a
particular victory – that miracle business is pretty
incidental). Not only were we fighting back and reclaiming
our neighborhood *for days*, but the ones in the thick of it
were the most marginal members of our community. The
Stonewall Rebellion was dramatic and heroic in a way that
very little has been before or since.
(Melinda Shore) 
My interest in turning Stonewall into a religious event is
negligible, but that business about ecclesiastical sanctions
sounds fun. What do we do – read carnivorous lesbians out of
the meeting? Sit shivah for gay men with lousy taste in
clothes? Tell me more.
(Melinda Shore) 
One of the good things (quite possibly the only good thing)
about the term “PC” is that it helps us identify those who
can’t think clearly. It’s generally used as shorthand for
“there’s something that I don’t like about your arguments but
I’m not smart enough to figure out what it is, so I’ll just
apply this sloppy label.”
(Melinda Shore) 
I mean, everyone knows that all men are interested in is
power and sex and they all have the spirituality of a plastic
shower curtain. What right-thinking person could possibly be
interested in making an emotional commitment to *that*?”
(Melinda Shore) 
I have an IQ of 150, if that’s worth anything.
(Zak May) 
We use base 10 numerical representations in this country, not
base 6.
(Melinda Shore) 
I think not.
(John Hollister) 
That’s certainly been my impression.
(Melinda Shore) 
[About the flood of new sites with broken posting software:]
Write their news administrator. Write your news
administrator. Email “Emily Postnews” and all the appropriate
RFCs to posters and administrators at offending sites. Cop
big attitudes about only wanting what’s best for the net. Be
welcoming but hostile. Toss back a few more of those
margaritas and join the ranks of the few, the proud, the
(Melinda Shore) 
Oooooh! A meeting [with the President]! That improves my life
(Megan Huntsman) 
There’s only one person who can improve your “life style,”
and it’s not the President of the United States.
(Melinda Shore) 
How do you guys pronounce motss?
(Melinda Shore) 
I wouldn’t be surprised if some women had a similar [wince]
[cross legs] reaction to the word “episiotomy” as some men
would to “bilateral orchidectomy.
(George Madison) 
The women I know who have had one don’t seem to treat it like
a particularly big deal. I happen to think that men are
obsessive about genitalia, and that may be why they’re more
likely to post on the topic, even if the genitalia are not
their own.
(Melinda Shore) 
I suppose in some sense the less butch you really are the
more butch your toys need to be. Let’s call this the Law of
Reciprocal Butchness.
(Melinda Shore) 
I think that advocating for less government doesn’t square
particularly well with things like limiting women’s access to
abortion, censorship, interfering in the internal politics of
other sovereign nations, government involvement in the
religious lives of citizens, and so on. If you can’t trust
the government to levy taxes and provide health care, how can
you trust the government to make decisions concerning who
gets to live and who must die?
(Melinda Shore) 
I hold those who would have the government force religion out
of our lives in roughly the same esteem that I hold those who
would have the government force religion into our lives.
(Melinda Shore) 
I received a copy of “Scientific American” in the mail
yesterday. Now my mail carrier knows I’m a geek. They really
ought to ship those things in sealed brown envelopes so that
postal workers will think it’s something normal, like
(Melinda Shore) 
What’s a moron magnet?
(David Phillips) 
Any traditionally female name.
(Melinda Shore) 
My standard of lex talionis is absolutely compatibile
(Jack Newsbaum) 
Fortuitous typo alert!!
(Melinda Shore) 
Buck was psychotic, but then so am I. Neither one of us is
(was) willing to adhere to the motssian version of reality,
which makes us de facto psychotic.
(Richard Jasper) 
You’re not a Bad Boy because you’re an independent, complex
thinker who boldly refuses to toe the Party Line (you’re none
of that), but because you’re a tiresome self-involved whiner
whose sense of importance derives from the quantity, not
quality, of attention paid to you.
(Melinda Shore) 
You have simply sidestepped the question if Judaism is not
for the stupid, what religion is?
(Nick Jacobi) 
I dunno; what religion are you?
(Melinda Shore) 
” … and the hero Eyedropper, carrying his weapon forged of
mithril and charged with speculative discourse, rode into the
soc.motss.deathcamp perched on the dragon yclept Disaffected,
torturing text and mangling metaphor as he forced his way
through the Thronging Illiterates (each of whom was crying
‘Love Me! Love Me!’ in his own incomprehensible way). ‘You
are all now free to go!’ roared Eyedropper. But the
Illiterates continued milling about (thronging, if you will)
in a state of confusion, entirely uncertain about this notion
of free will and choice that had suddenly and unpleasantly
been thrust upon them … ”
(Melinda Shore) 
Is it not allowed to have something as a favorite, that might
be obscure to most?
(Nick Jacobi) 
I think it’s fabulous that you have a favorite that’s obscure
to you, too. PoMo Babbitt Homo — the latest rage in suburban
New Jersey.
(Melinda Shore) 
That’s your way of making up for the fact that you wish you
had a dick.
(Doug Goodridge) 
Pish-tosh – absolutely anybody can have a dick, and some of
us aren’t limited to some shabby piece of equipment that was
slapped on at birth and is prone to malfunction.
(Melinda Shore) 
The stereotype doesn’t mean that there are no gay men who are
swishy and weak. God knows I have met my fair share of them.
Does this mean I hate gays too because I acknowledge the fact
that sometimes individual gay men have the same qualities of
the stereotype?
(Doug Goodridge) 
Pardon, Mr. Pedantic Pawn of the Patriarchy, but you’ve
persistently made your pathetic perception of pansies
patently clear in past postings. Ptooey.
(Melinda Shore) 
Do you honestly believe that I would send the biggest portion
of my donations to the local battered women’s shelter if I
hated women so much?
(Doug Goodridge) 
Guilt! Blame! They go together like penises and envy!!
(Melinda Shore) 
Don’t fuck up Tigger’s world view. It only makes him more
(Ilona Koren-Deutsch) 
I doubt that.
(Melinda Shore) 
The main “gay” coffeehouse, about a half-mile from the
Starbucks, seems totally unaffected.
(Mike Silverman) 
You’re kidding! I’ve never been around a gay anything that
seemed totally unaffected.
(Melinda Shore) 
A few million could have been saved had Clinton not lied to
the country last January.
(Robert Hansen) 
Or, to rephrase, if he hadn’t been badgered into a public
discussion of whether or not he’d cheated on his wife by a
cheap Ed Meese knock-off.
(Melinda Shore) 
The mystery deepens.
(Timothy F. Mulligan) 
May your personality do the same.
(Melinda Shore) 
Linda Tripp: “I am you.”
(Timothy F. Mulligan) 
That would explain your dating success.
(Melinda Shore) 
What interests me about Arne’s views on these matters is to
try to undersand what underlies them.
(Jess Anderson) 
Me, too, and what I’ve come up with is the image of an Allan
Bloom factory second.
(Melinda Shore) 
I’ve long — say, for the past six or seven years — been
amused by Melinda’s complaint about morons always pestering
her (the whole “moron magnet” thing), given the fact that
she’s been pestering me and nipping at my heels for at least
that long.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
The truth, at last — it’s not that morons are drawn to me,
it’s that I’m drawn to morons. I’d follow you anywhere, Arne.
The wit! The wisdom!! The *talent*. I would sit at your feet
and listen to you whack out a few bars of Gounod anytime, if
I could.
(Melinda Shore) 
On the topic of hunting, I’ve downloaded the weirdest game;
it’s called “SheepShot,” and what you do is shoot sheep
(little drops of blook spattering in the window) as “Turkey
in the Straw” plays over and over and over. There’s no
scoring and you never win, so I suppose that it’s good
preparation for the gay bar in Ithaca.
(Melinda Shore) 
As a public service to soc.motss, I figured I go ahead and
start the annual Chr*stm*s flamewar thread.
(Greg Havican) 
That’s the annual Channukah flamewar, you anti-Semite.
(Scott Safier) 
WRONG. That’s the annual Hanukah flamewar, you
spelling-impaired techno-thug.
(Melinda Shore) 
I knew if I waited long enough someone would say something
Thereby relieving you of the burden.
(Melinda Shore) 
Don’t we need the ass without an asshole?
(David W. Fenton) 
It depends where you live. Around here we get plenty of
asshole and very little ass.
(Melinda Shore) 
Being male almost insures that one is going to be criticized
more mercilessly by other males for what one says than if one
were female.
(K. Paul Johnson) 
I believe that you’re observing a secondary effect. If men
don’t want to be mercilessly criticized, they should stop
being so fuckin’ dumb.
(Melinda Shore) 

Siemon, Michael L
What is the position of modesty in the Americas?
Nothing to brag about …
(Michael L. Siemon) 
Jesus H. Christ
(Cliff Pearson) 
Could somebody tell me what the “H.” stands for?
(Ilona Koren-Deutsch) 
(Michael L. Siemon) 
Honesty, in the absence of civilization, is merely squalid.
(Michael L. Siemon) 
alex adams, of restaurant reservation fame
(Arnold Zwicky) 
I often have reservations about some of the restaurants I am
subjected to…
(Michael L. Siemon) 

Silberman, Dvora
Still, the idea of MST3K’ing MST3K has its appeal.
(Robert S. Coren) 
The great thing about English is its ability to verb any
(Steve Jones) 
Verbing weirds language.
(Dvora Silberman) 
Whenever the question has come up among straight guys of my
acquaintance the answer is almost always “if you’re *really*
horny, all you need is a hole and a heartbeat; and when it
comes down to it, the heartbeat’s optional”.
(Dvora Silberman) 
To dance in the dark with the monkey of love, press one. To
dance in the dark with a different monkey, press two. To find
the monkey nearest you, press three. If you know the name of
the monkey you want to dance with, press four. To choose from
a selection of dancing monkeys, press five…”
(Dvora Silberman) 
What’s left, waving sticks at some phantom patriarchy? No
thanks. There may have been some sort of patriarchal
conspiracy fifty years ago, but it’s gone now.
(Dvora Silberman) 
Er, how many wrongs does it take to make a right again? I’ve
(Mary Ballard) 
Three lefts. Unless you’re trying to get out of Somerville,
in which case all bets are off.
(Dvora Silberman) 
What units does one measure thread drift in?
(Tim Wilson) 
How is attention span measured?
(Frank McQuarry) 
It’s obviously measured in — Ooh, shiny!
(Dvora Silberman) 

Simchik, Andrew D
Gay men who angrily oppose the term “straight-acting” also
fear the word “normal.” It’s all right for gay men not to act
straight, but we must defend the right to use the words
(Jack Danger) 
To the death, I hope.
(Andrew D. Simchik) 
“Mnemonic” is my favorite word that has an “mn” in it. Is it
the only word in English that starts with “mn”?
(Marc Talusan) 
(Andrew D. Simchik) 
When some queer fool approaches me and sobs on my shoulder:
“I’ve lost hundreds of friends from AIDS!” I push him away
from me in disgust…for he is not mourning at all; he is
arrogantly claiming he is such a popular person that he could
have so many friends in the first place.
(Ezekiel Krahlin) 
The worm! He’ll appreciate the lesson someday.
(Andrew D. Simchik) 
I am shockingly ill-informed, but I am an excellent speller.
(Andrew D. Simchik) 

Simon, Josh
I’ve heard so many remixes of “My Song Will Go On And On And
On” from that damned boat movie that I’m ready to scream.
(Mike Reaser) 
Your retitling of the song reminds me of that 12-step program
for people who can’t stop talking: On and On Anon.
(Josh Simon) 

Simonds, Ann
There is a newer picture of me somewhere on the net, but only
one or two motssers know where. Will they spill the beans,
only time will tell. The picture has me with the van dyke.
(Scott Safier) 
Ooo, what’s her name? Is she cute? What kind of van?
(Ann Simonds) 

Smith, Amelia T
Breakfast is the most important meal of the afternoon.
(Amelia T. Smith) 
Bless you my children. Go and sin lots more.
(Amelia T. Smith) 

Smith, Gene
[A test for biological queerness: suppose] You pass with
flying colours. You are a certifiable Flaming Queer. Your
lover does not pass at all. There is no evidence for her or
his homosexuality, except for the fact that she or he has
been your glorious lover for a number of years. What are you
going to do? Pitch your relationship because it doesn’t pass
this test?
(Laura Creighton) 
Not at all. You go out and get a grant, do a pilot study,
present a paper at an internationally attended conference,
get tenure, and buy a house. You and your lover move in and
raise cats together.
(Gene Smith) 
Alan, Melmon, and I have formed the Anti-Cabal, the force of
Good to balance the Evil Cabal. The forces of Good will
endeavor to provide Order in the Universe, so be forewarned.
(Bob Sarver ) 
Thanks, but I already saw the Republican convention.
(Gene Smith) 
Yes, all problems can be solved with science. In fact, I
would go so far as to say that problems can only be
guaranteed to be solved by science.
(Brian Evans) 
Fine. I propose the following problem: write a poem in the
manner of the French Symbolists. Use the scientific method.
(Gene Smith) 
Remember, to be forewarned is to be forearmed, and to be
forearmed is to be half octopus.
(Gene Smith) 
I have seen explicitly homophobic reactions to the idea that
this distaste is characterized by a word whose roots refer to
fear. “Me? Afraid of those queers? Don’t make me laugh.” Or
perhaps they don’t like or haven’t grasped the idea that at
bottom what they are afraid of, or dislike, is something
within them.
(Gene Smith) 
I really wonder about this planet. I wonder why straight
people are so threatened by gay people. I wonder why so many
people feel threatened by the idea that Plato’s parable of
the cave is very apt, and that what they think of as
“reality” is two-dimensional. Are these two kinds of
prejudice that different? In both I see people attacking what
they in no way understand, but claim to. Why this constant
barrage of hatred, contempt, derision? What harm have I done
to others, quietly introspecting in the dark silence of my
apartment, late at night?
(Gene Smith) 
I always used to wonder why the pope wore drag.
(Tom Farrell) 
Who cares, as long as he looks faaabulous?!
(Gene Smith) 
They [characters in “My Beautiful Laundrette”] weren’t both
gay; one was Pakistani.
(Jim Halat) 
Glad you cleared *that* up.
(Gene Smith) 
Art as a concept — that some works have some sort of
spiritual or moral value or intangible “goodness” that others
don’t — seems a bit overweening to me.
(Tim Mohler) 
Virgins usually don’t make much sense when they talk about
sex. Have you ever had a strong aesthetic experience?
(Gene Smith) 
In life, some people are Elmer Fudd and some people are Bugs
Bunny, and it behooves those who wish to retain a semblance
of sanity to steer clear of the pair of them.
(Gene Smith) 
[On “queer” as applied to homosexuality:] It’s a word with
more than one meaning, and we lose something when we try to
make it mean just one thing that suits our or someone else’s
(Tim Wilson) 
For starters, we lose perspicuity of statement and
perspicacity of thought. “Queer” is the perfect trendoid word
(it doesn’t really mean anything, and too often it seems) 
that this is by intention.
(Gene Smith) 
It’s a serious question, Ellen. If you can’t handle it, go
back to the kitchen.
(Nick Jacobi) 
This is why I read soc.motss: the brilliant badinage, the
rapier repartee.
(Gene Smith) 
Not only is he extremely disturbed psychologically, but he’s
also stupid to a degree that’s hard to believe.
(Jess Anderson) 
I find it hard to believe in a degree of stupidity which is
hard to believe.
(Gene Smith) 
Those who have real class are, by definition, not snobs; and
those who are snobbish, by definition, are lacking in class.
(Gary Phillips) 
Tell it to the Queen.
(Gene Smith) 
Clinton’s critics are not on the moral high ground when it
comes to the charge of perjury. Do we respect more the people
more who named names for Joe McCarthy, or those who lied?
Should we respect the people who name their homosexual
partners when the law demands it of them? Gay people, of all
people, should know better than to fall into that peculiar
and oftentimes fanatical religion, the belief in the
supremacy of the law, right or wrong, moral or immoral.
(Gene Smith) 
Thank you for the attention to the matter though, that is
what this great country is all about. We all get to speak our
(Lee Somebody) 
You can’t speak your mind if you don’t have one.
(Gene Smith) 
Let us not forget that it was the Supreme Court, even more
than Starr or DeLay or any of the rest of the obvious
villains, who got us into this predicament. “We must respect
the rule of law” — that has become an obscene joke, and the
Supremes did it to us. it is really too bad it is not them
being impeached.
(Gene Smith) 
I think some people still want to classify Neanderthals as a
separate species. The recent DNA study is disputed, but it
suggests that we are not as closely related to the
Neanderthals as many have claimed. On the other hand, we have
the House Republicans, so no final conclusions can be drawn.
(Gene Smith) 
Fish/seafood just does *not* belong on pizza.
(Dvora Silberman) 
Fish has been on pizza for 2000 years. This is not a claim
the tomato can make.
(Gene Smith) 

Smith, Stephanie
I would have started the essay but couldn’t get past the
subject matter, since “women” are “lesbians” and vise versa.
Oh, and I came back anyway.
(Mike Golobay) 
Kind of like a wart.
(Stephanie Smith) 
When PBS had a Ring cycle on some years back, a nephew of
mine spent hours in front of the television, totally
enthralled. He was six years old at the time. Wagner must
speak to all ages.
(Gene Smith) 
Great. Just like Barney, only less musical.
(Stephanie Smith) 
Guess what I heard! Women don’t have wee-wees!
(Charles Allen Padgett) 
Speak for yourself, my dear. Steph, packing.
(Stephanie Smith) 
Personally, I’m glad as all hell that I won’t have to worry
about some woman terminating my half of a child.
(Matthew Melmon) 
Which half would that be? Let’s try to picture the Matthew
Melmon half-child. What parts would it have? The asshole,
natch, and whatever produces bile and spittle. Little webbed
fingers and toes. Eyes (crossed). Or perhaps one, in the
middle of its widdle forehead. And a lovely eyebrow to match.
A tongue, of course, but no brain. Quick! Someone get out the
stirrups and the curette!
(Stephanie Smith) 
When you are fascinated with the world, the world is
fascinated with you.
(Stephanie Smith) 
I was stone-cold sober when I posted that, dear.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
I suppose there’s a first time for everything.
(Stephanie Smith) 
And not only is it [Salvador da Bahia] a city, but it’s a
*huge* city.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Size queen.
(Stephanie Smith) 
As hate goes, American culture has yet to achieve quite that
dazzling level of success readily evident in, oh, Europe,
Asia, and Africa; and so, the answer to the question is:
because that’s the way everybody else does it, and we want to
be just as good as them.
(Matthew Melmon) 
So it’s sort of an Avis thing — “We’re #2, and we try
(Stephanie Smith) 
These people have nothing to do but flip burgers and fuck and
(Charlie Fulton) 
Jealousy is so unbecoming, Charlie.
(Stephanie Smith) 
It can take many times to see the Truth.
((Anonymous bigot)) 
I can’t shake this image of a Jedi with lead poisoning.
(Stephanie Smith) 

Speakman, David
It [ads showing two women who might be a couple] reminds me
of the “lesbian” scenes in Playboy magazine: women getting it
on for men’s enjoyment. I started calling this stuff
“Lesploitation” because that’s basically what it is.
(David Speakman) 
It is expensive and the sides aren’t that good, but the meat
(Ellen Evans ) 
Sounds like I guy I used to date.
(David Speakman) 

Sternberg, Elf
But more frustrating are the ones who say “I could never/ I
would never.” Let’s be honest — you don’t know. You don’t
know if you’ll ever win a lottery, you don’t know if you’ll
ever be in the position where you’ll have to kill someone,
you don’t know if you’ll ever fall in love with someone,
*anyone*, regardless of gender.
(Elf Sternberg) 
Equal rights are not special rights. There is no such thing
as a “homosexual” cause above and beyond obtaining equal
rights and regards without concern for a person’s sexual
orientation. Thinking otherwise is sheer homophobia.
(Elf Sternberg) 
One thing I’ve learned from being part of the gay/les/bi
movement, it’s the ones who are afraid who die fastest. It’s
the ones who are too scared to keep books in their home, it’s
the ones who are too nervous to go into a good gay/les
bookstore, who don’t learn about safe sex. The straight world
isn’t doing anything for them in that respect, and they’re
not going to learn if they don’t come out.
(Elf Sternberg) 
Confused the Hell out of my postman today. I got my copies of
Playboy and Advocate on the same day!
(Elf Sternberg) 
That’s what being alive is all about. No deity, no higher
goal exists than to bring joy to another person.
(Elf Sternberg) 

Stevens, Greg
Hormonal changes in adolescent children are real and often,
perhaps even usually, have major effects on their feelings
and behaviors.
(Jess Anderson) 
Yeah, well, I’m not sure if I remember any I could attribute
to hormones.
(Robert Cumming) 
This is like the argument, “I can’t remember having had any
thoughts that I could attribute to neurological activity in
my brain, therefore my thoughts must not be related to
neurological activity in my brain!”
(Greg Stevens) 

Stevenson, David
It was a dark day for education here when the Administration
of the University (a “top-ten” institution, totally committed
to Continuing Improvement, formerly known as Total Quality
Management) began referring to students as “products.”
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
Yes, but they have to start some place. The next step, of
course, is to refer to them as “by-products,” an intermediate
term before calling them what they really are: effluvia.
(David Stevenson) 
Living alone means that the dishes will still be sitting in
the same place tomorrow morning!
(Gary Klein) 
Not in earthquake country.
(David Stevenson) 
People who use radishes to insult other people are demeaning
the entire vegetable kingdom. But I guess that’s the type of
behavior we’ve come to expect from omnivores.
(David Stevenson) 

Sun, Spencer
Rhetorical subtlety doesn’t work on people with the
perceptive powers of an eggplant.
(Spencer Sun) 
Interrobang? Sounds like a bunch of captors trying to beat
information out of a captive by forced congress.
(Spencer Sun) 

Swayne, Debby
It was an education to hear that Americans thought all Brits
(men, at least) were gay. This is because straight America
mistakes culture for effeminacy.
(Mick Washbrook) 
And then mistakes effeminacy for gayness.
(Debby Swayne) 

Swilling, Frank
[Moronic fundamentalist Bible-thumping deleted.] I will
answer no flames or mockers.
God didn’t write the Bible, you pathetic mindless dickbrain;
a bunch of tight-assed patriarchal control freaks *just like
you* wrote the Bible.
(Frank Swilling) 
Every story like this reminds me that the Republican Right is
living in complete and total denial of anything *I* recognize
as reality when they talk about “Traditional Family Values,”
which means that a significant portion of our voting
population is living under the same delusions, since
it/they/we keep electing these people to office. If enough of
these “Shocking True Tales From a Real Live Family” keep
getting in our faces and forcing us to pay attention, we the
people might start tuning in to a very different picture of
“Traditional Family Values” in the USA.
(Frank Swilling) 
I may be taking home a souvenir of my trip. His name is Ryan.
(David Kaye) 
If I understand you correctly, you’ll be Saving Ryan’s
(Frank Swilling) 
This group [soc.motss] needed something to get traffic up …
(Gene Smith) 
It did?
(Jess Anderson) 
You can’t do it *all* by yourself, Jess.
(Frank Swilling) 

Sydnes, Dan R
“C579676@MIZZOU1.missouri.edu — not *just* another number.”
At the University of Iowa, you aren’t just a another number.
You’re a just another number with a dollar sign in front of
(Dan R Sydnes) 

Tachyon, Tane
Have you ever noticed that lots of people find Jesus after
they’ve done lots of drugs?
(Jamie Jamison) 
There’s a Cheech and Chong routine with a guy who announces
something like, “I used to be all messed up on drugs, but now
I’m all messed up on the Lord!”
(Tane’ Tachyon) 
Have you ever noticed that lots of people find Jesus after
they’ve done jail time? Why is this?
(Jamie Jamison) 
To qualify for the Republican nomination.
(Tane’ Tachyon) 

Taylor, Season Marie
Doesn’t anybody water-ski anymore?
(Sim Aberson) 
Knee-boarding is more fun … you can do more tricks.
(Season Marie Taylor) 

Therber, Mack
Don’t Americans use the phrase “inverted snobbery”? I didn’t
think the expression was purely a Britishism.
(Nick Fitch) 
I thought the term was “liberal, educated progressive.”
(Mack Therber) 

Thomas, Michael
Ilona’s dick is definitely bigger than mine.
(Melinda Shore) 
I wonder how many .sig’s just got modified.
(Michael Thomas) 
Complete Californication takes a lifetime.
(Michael Thomas) 
You can lead a dog to culture, but it’ll still insist on
sniffing its neighbor’s butt.
(Michael Thomas) 
The American Homosexual is male, Caucasian, blond, muscular,
hairless, has a perfect coiffure, and is totally
(Mike Reaser) 
Do you think that ‘ol Michelangelo should have thrown a
couple of warts onto “David” to make him more realistic? How
about an ingrown toenail?
(Michael Thomas) 
Why even now as I type there are orgies taking place in half
the men’s restrooms on the USC campus.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
How come I *never* seem to use those ones?
(David S. Broudy) 
They have a lookout. Besides, barking always has a
detumescent effect, dontchaknow?
(Michael Thomas) 
I’m like my mom who is much more emotive.
(Michael Thomas) 
There’s a kind of American which I infrequently met in Paris,
and sometimes in Amsterdam, who seems to go on vacation in
Europe for the exclusive purpose of having as much sex with
Europeans as possible. They fall into several categories —
Wants uncircumcised men — Wants backroom bars — Wants young
men — Wants “European” Leathersex
Er, uh, Joe, I thought that’s why *you* were there.
(Michael Thomas) 
I’ve been asked to masturbate on the job.
(Will Parsons) 
Yes, but did you fantasize about men or women?
(Ellen Evans) 
It didn’t matter to them. All they wanted was the *sample*.
(I feel so..so..*used* -{sob..sputter..choke}-)
(Will Parsons) 
Hopefully you didn’t out yourself as a moanosexual.
(Michael Thomas) 
Baweristas always send me into such a rage that I feel like
stabbing their eyes out with bobby pins.
(Michael Thomas) 
My *entire* experience probably is quite different from
others’ here.
(Buck Foss) 
The world is full of pathetic morons. You are not alone,
unique or memorable.
(Michael Thomas) 
Fuck more often. When the pucker is tuckered, you’ll be able
to de-gas whilst your partner is completely unawares.
(Michael Thomas) 
By the time I hit 40 I was looking at a bad case of reflux
and ulcers.
(Brian Shore) 
It’s the Karma police, hon.
(Michael Thomas) 
Nobody has yet pointed to a single advance I’ve made, as a
gay man.
(John T. E. McGinnis) 
That’s because we’re still waiting for you to evolve into a
man from the parasite that you are.
(Scott A. Safier) 
Evolutionary dead end. Sorry.
(Michael Thomas) 
Give up the analytical obsession. It’s not like a thousand
metapeople just like you haven’t metadroned on about the
metasame metathing a thousand times before.
Right. Stop it before it metastasizes.
(Michael Thomas) 
One gets famous in Berlin, London, Paris, Basel, Venice,
Amsterdam but one sells in New York.
(Marina Muilwijk) 
…and sells out in Hollywood.
(Michael Thomas) 
I’m stuck on Los Altos Hills — Los Altos Hillans?
Hillbillies? Rich?
(David Speakman) 
“Levelled” has a nice ring to it.
(Michael Thomas) 
A polished turd is still a turd.
(Michael Thomas) 
I know you said you lost some weight, but… dayam! what’s
your secret?
(David Broudy) 
Sex and Starvation(tm). Seriously, about an hour on the
lard-o-matic pretty close to 7 days a week. I’m still in
something of shock at how all of these cutelings are throwing
themselves at me these days.
(Michael Thomas) 
Well, they were clearly all too shallow-minded to give you a
second look when you had the extra lbs. Are you sure you want
such people?
(Robert Cumming) 
Yes! I’m shallow too! I’m like a pool with a reputation for
diving injuries!
(Michael Thomas) 
a/k/a Fagbuttfuckfest
((some homophobe)) 
You misspelled “hot hot man-man sex.”
(Ann Burlingham) 
Oh, I thought it was some kind of German dessert.
(Tony Rzepela) 
You’re thinking of Fartfignewtons.
(Michael Thomas) 
Nobody understands my art pain.
(Jed Davis) 
Use lube.
(Michael Thomas) 
I always find it astounding that the biggest racists of them
all invariably come from places where the only contact
they’ve had with Mexico is a Margarita.
(Michael Thomas) 
The best thing about finding out that your tormentors are
really chicks is that you can call them bitches now.
(Michael Thomas) 
Just because you announce yourself as a Butch Top doesn’t
mean that you’re not a squeaky bottom when butts come to
(Michael Thomas) 

Thrash, Wendy
I don’t think drag necessarily has anything to do with wimmin
(it’s about ladies.) 
(Wendy Thrash) 
I’m not robbing the cradle, she’s robbing the grave.
(Wendy Thrash) 
After roughly ten years on the net I’m about to use my first
killfile. I doubt that wearing blinders will make the
superhighway any more scenic, but at least it will help me
resist the urge to commit vehicular manslaughter.
(Wendy Thrash) 
I am the face of the religious right!!!!!!!!
(+unknown bigot) 
Sounds like a confusion of body parts.
(Wendy Thrash) 

I’m sure there’s a nice term that psychologists use to
describe this syndrome.
(David Fenton) 
I believe that is Trog-Luddite Syndrome (with apologies to
any other unindicted co-conspiratorial Luddites here. On the
street, that behaviour is known as “Dumb.”

Vail, Kevin Michael
It is astonishing how much energy some people waste worrying
that someone else might be enjoying life in ways they don’t
approve of.
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
(sig:) Frank McQuarry, spewing Koans.
(Frank McQuarry) 
I’m sorry. Have you tried Koanpectate?
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
Size is in the eye of the beholder.
(Brian Kane) 
That’s not where most people want it.
(Kevin Michael Vail) 
Maybe his daughter could be named “Riaa”.
(Bill Lindemann) 
She’d never be able to change her hair color; no one wants to
dye a Riaa.
(Kevin Michael Vail) 

Vasilatos, Max
There is a delivered form of “gay art” being generated in the
U.S., nicely composed of proper works done mostly by middle-
and upper-middle-class white people. The vast body of art
being done by other gay people is being ignored.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
So the bartender sez, “whaddaya have, young man?” So I sez,
“A vagina. I have a vagina.”
(Max Vasilatos ) 
We’ve given lip service to the notion that AIDS is not a gay
disease, but now that AIDS is a major problem for women and
people of color, the gay community is going to have to
examine its insularity around this.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
If women are going to be expected to carry condoms, I expect
to be able to borrow a tampon from a guy on the street.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
There are five issues for the gay movement: homophobia,
recognition for our families, an aggressive comprehensive
AIDS policy, gay rights, and decriminalization of sodomy.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
It’s not that I don’t like penises. It’s just that I don’t
like them on men.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
There are so many examples of cataclysmic experience that
change us enough that we are united by it, and separated from
those who don’t share it. Being gay. Serious illness. Being
born again in Christ. Being raped. Being married. Parenting.
Being poor. Literacy. Feminism.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
Stigma, pain, isolation, poverty, subordination,
infantilization, lack of proper health care, lack of access,
go hand in hand with illness and disability. For large
segments of the U.S. population, those things aren’t
resolvable. For those same segments of the population, _Final
Exit_ won’t make a whit of difference. Nor will the fact that
clinical depression and rationality are assessable and
differentiable in the abstract. If we didn’t treat people who
are ill and disabled like such utter shit, a lot of this
discussion would be moot.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
I would love to know American academics whom you consider
worth reading, who have written anything in the last 20
Nancy Friday.
(Arne Adolfsen) 
Someone who, in a survey of hundreds of American women, is
only able to locate *five* lesbians, *three* of whose sexual
fantasies focus on dogs?
(Max Vasilatos ) 
If al fresco dickwaving is what it takes to be objectified
here, some of us are very much in luck.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
Dress for success: wear a white penis.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
Honor really is integrity, but it does carry all that
patriotic, religious, family garbage from its history. I
claim it back. *My* honor is in-your-face, angry rejection of
national boundaries, wallowing in world conversation, taking
back my body and messing with it how I please, and shrieking
in rage at the agencies that offer me a last resort and make
me need it.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
On the day that a power structure dominated by urban
aboriginal sorts denies housing, jobs, and medical care to
twinks and education majors, I might begin to worry about
this. At the moment, it’s not high on my list.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
And vulva is not a car made in Sweden.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
Aesthetic inflexibility is unattractive at best.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
[I was] out for a stroll and came across a bunch of the usual
teens hanging out having an argument, the local police
officers part of the crowd, leaning on the fence, listening
quietly. It was dark out. “Stupidness isn’t a word, dummy,”
one said. “Yes it is, stupidness, that’s what it is.” I
deduced quickly that they’d wandered away from a previous
topic. “It’s *stupidity* not *stupidness*.” “Maybe it’s
both.” The debate raged on. I felt like I was on the net.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
Boston driving and walking *is* Dali.
(Max Vasilatos ) 
If we find a place for Max’s phallicide, we can roll all
kinds of feminist flame wars into one eloquent summation.
(Michael Thomas) 
Igor and I prefer to think of it as Frankendick.
(Max Vasilatos ) 

Vogel, Brian
Ailuropoda melanoleuca torontonensis
eats shoots and leaves.
(Chris Ambidge) 
How selfish and rude! Oh, nevermind.
(Brian Vogel) 

Walker, Amanda
Mornings are for sleeping during.
(Amanda Walker) 
Having to make $100,000 a year to afford a nice place to live
(without commuting for an hour or so each way) is obscene.
(Amanda Walker) 
We are not *just* baboons. There is a quality which in humans
takes the gamut of primate behavior and expands it almost
beyond recognition. That quality is consciousness. Whether
you think of it as an epiphenomenon of the neocortex and the
reticular activation system, a spark of divine fire, or even
both simultaneously :), the fact remains that genus homo
represents a radical departure from the other primates and
the rest of the animal kingdom.

That quality of consciousness allows, and even encourages, us
to do things which no other creature on Earth can do. It
allows us to plan; to consciously develop specific skills; to
override “instinctual” reactions and reflexes, and reprogram
our behavior patterns. It allows us to act even though it
hurts, or frightens us, or makes us angry. It allows us to go
beyond the immediately apparent results of our actions, and
to do things which require being able to model ourselves and
the world around us. It allows us to coordinate our efforts
on a vast scale.

It is this very effectiveness of action and scale of purpose
that demarcates humans from the the rest of the animals on
this planet. There can be no baboon Hitler. There can be no
baboon Christ, or Buddha. There is no chimpanzee Aleister
Crowley. The whales do not gather together to revive barren

We are not separate from the world around us, but we have a
unique place in it, just as everything else does. The
baboons, gorillas, and chimpanzees are our cousins, and the
rest of creation is our family, but we are not anonymous
among them. We have the capacity to act (both effectively and
disastrously) on scales and timeframes that no other
creatures can even approach. To them, we have as much in
common with the forces of nature itself (such as the weather,
forest fires, etc.) as we do with them.

(Amanda Walker) 
It’s much easier to see barriers than the absence of them.
You don’t notice things that aren’t there, such as:
. not being felt up during a professional conversation
. not getting wolf whistles when you walk past a construction
. not being asked why you’re looking at the expensive technical
equipment instead of the “easy to use” stuff.
. not being told “you really wouldn’t be interested in math.”
. not hearing remarks about “stupid women drivers” when you
take your car into a body shop.
. not being afraid of getting beaten into a pulp as you walk
from a gay bar to your car.
. not having your car vandalised because of the rainbow flag
on your bumper.
. not being offered a job because a manager is too freaked by
his own misconceptions to be able to even consider working
with you.
. not being told “nothing personal, but you’re making other
people uncomfortable.”
. not being offered a lower salary because “you don’t need
as much.”
And so on. It’s hard to see absence of something as an
advantage until you have to deal with its presence.
(Amanda Walker) 
The commercial availability of software to check spelling,
grammar, and style does serve quite well as a form of
stupidity tax.
(Amanda Walker) 
Each bigotry has its own “feel,” but they all boil down to
fear, and anger at being afraid.
(Amanda Walker) 
I think of xenophobia as a *symptom* of the root of all evil,
which I think is ignorance. Willful ignorance is stupidity,
and coercive ignorance is evil.
(Amanda Walker) 
Wearing boiled leather, chainmail or plate armor, a helm, and
a broadsword does bring new meaning to the term “butch.”
(Amanda Walker) 
What if you compared a personal choice — like what religion
you follow — to being gay or lesbian? No, hold on, nobody
could be *that* frigging clueless…
(John McGinnis) 
Is Judaism “simply a religion” (for that matter, is Islam or
Christianity)? Is growing up German, or French, or American a
“personal choice”? Is participating in popular American gay
culture *not* a personal choice? Warning: concepts in
worldview are fuzzier than they appear.
(Amanda Walker) 
Have you been drinking tonight?
(Dennis Anderson) 
Why, no. But thanks for asking.
(Amanda Walker) 
The reason I ask is that your cadence and logic are a bit
disjointed. Very unusual for you.
(Dennis Anderson) 
Yeah, usually I post sardonic inside jokes, or brief essays.
I probably haven’t posted anything particularly serious since
before your time.
(Amanda Walker) 
In short, methinks you’ve been cloistered in the PC world of
outdated feminism far too long.
(Dennis Anderson) 
Yup, that’s me. Cloistered in outdated feminism. Everybody
says that.
(Amanda Walker) 
You’re just saying that things could be different if they
were different. This is true, but useless.
(Amanda Walker) 
I think I nd to gt my ” ky fixd. I hop it’s chapr than
gtting th cat fixd.
(Amanda Walker) 
You wonder why conservatives hate us so much? Those idiots
(who the media find so fascinating) are half the reason.
(Alan Moorman) 
No. It may be half the excuse, but it’s not half the reason.
The reason is fear — hate is just a side effect, and getting
in a huff about pride parades is just marketing for hate.
(Amanda Walker) 

Walker, Christopher H
The rogue in Richardson’s “Clarissa” (an epistolary) refines
Fielding’s “Tom Jones” to a height that has never again
appeared in English Lit.
(Kevin EyeDrama) 
Your willingness to pontificate from a dungheap of
misinformation is little short of ridiculous; please explain
how “Clarissa” could have “refined,” as you put it, “Tom
Jones,” when “Clarissa” was published first, you analphabet
(Christopher H. Walker) 

Wallich, Paul
I find it ironic that that arguments against affirmative
action basically assume that the lopsided power structure
that denies jobs to the poor and ill-connected will and
should continue indefinitely.
(Paul Wallich) 
Watching 13 DAYS, the upcoming movie about the Cuban Missile
Crisis (good, tension-filled flick), I was musing about how
different the world would probably be today had the President
in that crisis been George W. Bush and the Attorney General,
Jebby Bush.
(Ken Rudolph) 
What world?
(Paul Wallich) 
[“My grammar be’s ebonics”] is one of those expressions that
people use to “put on” (in several senses) african american
vernacular english (a.k.a. ebonics). fauxonics, i call it.
(you pronounce that x as a z.)
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Does that mean the fauxon is one of the fundamental particles
of annoying pretension? And the other is the pose-itron.
(Paul Wallich) 
“No patience” seems an attitude mostly calculated for the
pleasant feeling of righteous superiority in the
(Paul Wallich) 
Foreskins folded and cut like paper dolls you could *play*
with. That would be cool! Surely laser surgery would do the
(Ann Burlingham) 
Preputial origami.
(Lee Rudolph) 
The Man Who Folded Himself?
(Paul Wallich) 

Washbrooke, Mick
It was an education to hear that Americans thought all Brits
(men, at least) were gay. This is because straight America
mistakes culture for effeminacy.
(Mick Washbrooke) 
It’s better to be a pariah than a messiah. If you’re a
pariah, they’ll just ignore you; if you’re a messiah, they’ll
nail you to some damn cross and center a cult around you. It
looks bad on the resume.
(Mick Washbrooke) 
I certainly don’t see how a “one night stand” devalues sex.
(Mick Washbrooke) 
The day always ends, but this doesn’t stop you from getting
up in the morning, does it?
(Mick Washbrooke) 
But how bad does the church have to become before you decide
that it’s “basically bad?” One of the flaws of church today
is that it still exists.
(Mick Washbrooke) 
And [Madonna]’s pissing off the Catholic church. She can’t be
all that bad.
(Mick Washbrooke) 
I remember reading with some amusement a section on South of
Market that I saw in a tourist guide to San Francisco. They
earnestly warned tourists to stay away from the “highly
dangerous S&M bars” in this area of the city. Er…does
anybody know where these “highly dangerous S&M bars” might
be, so that I can, you know, stay away from them, and prevent
other stray young men from getting sucked in(to) a twilight
world of sleazy sex, leather, and opera?
(Mick Washbrooke) 
Contrary to popular opinion, there are only two important
factors involved in a Gay or Lesbian turning Republican, and
those same factors are also responsible for milk turning
sour: being left on the shelf for too long and being
(Mick Washbrooke) 
Anybody who takes my postings as gospel deserves to have me
as their god.
(David A. Kaye) 
Not *all* gay men worship pricks, David.
(Mick Washbrooke) 

Weeks, Greg
It is so ironic how someone can preach fundamental and moral
love for God and of God, but go around and despise those who
are not “morally” correct.
It is not ironic at all. A person who can believe in some
particular form of God is capable of believing anything. If
such a person likes homosexuals, then they will assert that
homosexuality is moral. If such a person finds homosexuality
distasteful, then they will assert that homosexuality is
immoral. Such people think with their intestines. What they
intuit they assert to be true. If they happen to intuit nice
things, they are still dangerous; a bad night’s sleep and
they could just as well intuit ethnic cleansing.
Zero-integrity thought is no less dangerous for being
momentarily without an explicit threat.
(Greg Weeks) 

White, Robert C Jr
Not some church, and not the state,
Not some dark capricious fate.
Who you are, and when you lose,
Comes only from the things you choose.
(Robert C. White Jr.) 

Whiteside, John
The closet doesn’t make you safe, although it does steal your
(John Whiteside) 
This morning, my spellchecker had the following suggestions.
When it encountered “Pete Wilson,” it suggested “Pee Wilson.”
Stumbing across “Gingrich,” it recommended “Jingoish.” For
“Buchanan,” it simply flashes, “No suggestions.”
(John Whiteside) 
I have about 100 book ideas, but no guts to go through with
any of them save one: a book about my transformation from gay
to bi. I’ve hit writer’s block on that one.
(David A. Kaye) 
Some days it’s hard not to believe in a higher power.
(John Whiteside) 
Now don’t get your panties in a wad. Beside, you’re
projecting again.
(Joseph Canale) 
Paging through screenfuls of quoted text to come to a one-
line quip at the bottom is as much fun as a Root Canale.
(John Whiteside) 
When my officemate starts her PC, instead of playing the
“Microsoft Sound,” it pays a clip of Cartman saying, “Let’s
sing ‘Kyle’s mom’s a Bitch’ in D-Minor.” This has of course
turned our department into a well-oiled productivity machine.
(John Whiteside) 
More people use Windows than smoke Camels. Whether this is a
good thing is a matter of opinion.
(John Whiteside) 
Compared to my lover, toilet paper looks trivial, but I have
no intention of giving it up.
(John Whiteside) 

Whitfield, Nigel
If all we do when we try to fight for rights is ask for the
same treatment as straight people, we may end up in a
position where we can’t easily ask for more and while our
rights are protected our needs are ignored. Recognition of
our needs is a very important part of gaining our rights.
(Nigel Whitfield) 

Williams, Alan
The Internet is the media of choice for miscommunication.
(Alan Williams) 

Williams, Rod
Bob and Alan and Matthew would have us all act like “normal”
gays in the dubious belief that this might give clueless
straights a better image of homosexuals and make it easier
for “normal” gays to emerge from their closets. When some of
us respond in our glorious diversity that we have other
priorities, like maybe realizing our full-individual-human-
gender-roles-and-expectations, and if those guys had half a
clue between them they’d realize that those same clueless
straights will hate them just as viciously whether they’re in
three-piece gray flannel or a fucking tutu, but thanks all
the same.
(Rod Williams) 
A famous gay bar, The Black Cat, had its liquor license
suspended under some law that prohibited knowingly serving
liquor to sexual perverts (or something like that). The owner
took the case to the California Supreme Court and won,
claiming that said perverts had a constitutional right of
equal access to a cocktail.
(Rod Williams) 
But I already know the words ‘umbra’ and ‘pneumbra’…
(J.N. Shaumeyer) 
Lemme guess — the shadow cast by a set of Michelin Radials?
(Rod Williams) 
Middle America is the place or state-of-mind from which
refugees are constantly in flight, and to which immigrants
and deportees constantly return. It covers the whole country,
it’s the TV and movies we watch, the symbols and code-words
that cause us to salivate on cue, the newspapers, magazines
and books we read, the music we listen to, the poor we blame,
the food we eat, the clothes we wear, the “others” — people
not like us — we fear and hate, the stuff we buy. It invades
our dreams. But for eternal vigilance, it would swallow us
(Rod Williams) 
I just thought a reply from one straight (for what that
matters) to another straight in front of a full house might
have some value.
(Bill Baker) 
It did indeed. But my royal flush beats both your two
straights, *and* the full house.
(Rod Williams) 
I keep forgetting that inalienable rights are based on
popularity contests.
(Rod Williams) 
I think it’s important that the majority of all people, gay
or straight, be embarrassed about something every day. Might
make the world a place less to be embarrassed about.
(Rod Williams) 
We went to the Manhattan [in Paris] instead. This is a really
seedy bar with an underground dance floor and walls which are
decorated with lycra in tropical prints. I am still trying to
figure out why a bar named “Manhattan” was festooned with
Hawaiian decorations. Ahh, these silly French.
(Michael Portuesi) 
Not so silly — it was undoubtedly named for Manhattan,
(Rod Williams) 
My suggestion to you would be not to read the New York Times.
Me, I’m addicted to the crossword puzzle.
(Ellen Evans) 
I have my esnes do it, while I feed orts to Fido in Elam.
(Rod Williams) 
To Fido and not to Asta? Feed them both, then wash it down
with Eau [Claire] from the Olla — the Anil-Hued Olla, you
(Kristin Bergen) 
Asta eats efts, as I pluck awns, anoint Ilie with elemi and
listen to the anis sing.
(Rod Williams) 
This gets you another entry in the quotes file!
(Jess Anderson) 
I knew *something* good had to happen this week (sitting in
the oriel, gazing at the abeles, riant)!
(Rod Williams) 
I’m also very partial to the Museum of Natural History and
the Haydn Planetarium.
(Peggy Fieland) 
Oh yes — I love the music of the spheres!
(Rod Williams) 
I just remembered that she and Joan Crawford recorded a duet
together, but I can’t for the life of me recall what they
(Arne Adolfsen) 
The recitative, “O, Jeanne…” and aria, “Mais tu es,
Blanche!” from Saint-Saens’s “Qu’est-ce qui s’est passe’ a`
Be’be’ Jeanne?”
(Rod Williams) 
Do you know how to get in touch with Charles Walheim, the
hunk on the home page of the Chippendales website?
Oh hi — that’s me. Charles Walheim is my
nom-de-posing-strap. Charles is my mother’s maiden name and
Walheim is the street I live on. Do you like Hugo Wolf?
(Rod Williams) 
You’re dreaming of rivers of sperm,
A penis enormous and firm,
(Chris Hansen) 
With a knob on the end
And a bit of a bend
Amid pubic hair styled in a perm.
(Rod Williams) 
You’re dreaming of rivers of sperm,
A penis enormous and firm,
(Chris Hansen) 
Is thrust up your keister
By a sturdy young mister
Who’s gonna (insert vulgar term)
(Rod Williams) 
You’re dreaming of rivers of sperm,
A penis enormous and firm,
(Chris Hansen) 
But without some C*I*A*L*I*S
Your tumescent phallus
Will shrivel up, limp as a worm.
(Rod Williams) 
You’re dreaming of rivers of sperm,
A penis enormous and firm,
(Chris Hansen) 
But, alas, made of stone ya
Picked up in Ionia,
Once attached to a kouros or herm.
(Rod Williams) 
I’d rather be swigging Hendrick’s martinis in a hell with
Sodomy-Law Ann Richards and DADT/DOMA Bill Clinton than in
some gay heaven with a gaggle of our insufferable queer
(Rod Williams) 
Bikkies for brekkie?
(Frank McQuarry) 
YM “choccie bikkies for brekkie”.
(Chris Hansen) 
What nonsense — choccie bikkies for elevenses. Bangers for
(Rod Williams) 

Wilson, Tim
Buy papers and learn to roll your joints. Eventually you will
be enticed into the wonderful world of origami, give up your
enslavement to dope and find bliss in folding single sheets
of paper into models of Mount Rushmore.
(Jack Carroll) 
Or, you can take up Origori, the ancient Japanese art of
folding Dead Things. Dead crane, flaming airplane crash, etc.
(With apologies to an old issues of _VooDoo_, the MIT humor
(Tim Wilson) 
I’m really *tired* of getting confused with Richard Jasper.
(William A. Parsons) 
Isn’t it better than being confused by yourself?
(Tim Wilson) 
It isn’t a flamewar — it’s people without taste being
I prefer to taste people without education.
(Tim Wilson) 
I don’t remember off-hand who called us a pit of vipers.
(Ken Rudolph) 
That reminds me, I gotta replace my vindshield vipers.
(Jess Anderson) 
1. Is it “Ha-wai-i” or “Ha-vai-i”?
2. “Ha-vai-i”
1. Thank you.
2. You’re velcome.
(Tim Wilson) 
And what it the collective name for people from Atlanta? Here
in Memphis, we have the dreaded “Memphian”.
(Tim Wilson) 
Atlantan? Memphite?
(Joseph C. Fineman) 
Atlantean? Memphisto?
(Jess Anderson) 
While I like both your suggestions re Memphis, my own
personal suggestions which seems to be going nowhere is
(Tim Wilson) 
The assumption here is that a $25,000 car is a luxury car,
which is just not the case.
(John Whiteside) 
No, the assumption here is that ‘luxury’ is in the eye of the
reader, and some of us have our scales adjusted downwards.
Makes them easier to slither out of, no?
(Tim Wilson) 
The thought of quickie sex doesn’t appeal to *this* man.
(David Speakman) 
You must be so proud.
(Tim Wilson) 
[Complete distraction was] precisely the feeling I had while
watching “Good Will Hunting”. It became a game to see if Matt
or Ben could finish a single statement without some form of
“fuck” being used.
(Mike Reaser) 
Good fucking grief. They were from fucking Southie!
(Tim Wilson) 
What church sanctions Mardi Gras?
(Leonard Lewis) 
The Church of What’s Happening Now!
(Tim Wilson) 
Threads aren’t about things, they just are.
(Tim Wilson) 
So sew me.
(Ellen Evans) 
Zip it.
(Tim Wilson) 
I am, like, so gagging.
(Mike McKinley) 
I can’t believe you haven’t learned how to control that yet.
I just pretend to sometimes.
(Tim Wilson) 
Eris, the goddess of discord? (And if so, who is the goddess
of dat chord?)
(Robert Coren) 
(Tim Wilson) 

Wood, Jim
Since Hurricane Andrew struck southern Florida 9 days ago,
That Man In The White House has visited Florida twice,
promised nearly $30 billion in federal aid, and ordered
immediate military assistance to the region. 250,000 people
are without homes, and 33 people are dead. Since AIDS was
first uncovered in the United States 11 years ago, Those Men
In the White House have virtually ignored the disease,
reluctantly agreed to spend no more than $1 billion per year,
and inhibited any kind of public education efforts aimed at
preventing the further spread of HIV. 1,000,000 people are
estimated to be infected with HIV, and more than 100,000 are
(Jim Wood) 
Sad to say, Joan Crawford died in 1977. When hearing the news
on the set of “The Disappearance of Aimee,” long-time nemesis
Bette Davis approached her assistant and exclaimed with joy,
“The bitch is dead!” Her assistant, shocked by Miss Davis’s
reaction, replied, “But surely, Miss Davis, you can say
something good about Miss Crawford?” Without a pause, Bette
Davis replied, “The bitch is dead. Good.”
(Jim Wood) 

Wyman, Doug
We’re in Seattle. The dog has flown.
And people wonder why Seattlites carry umbrellas.
(Doug Wyman) 
If “to jew down” is used merely as an expression, it […] is
not more anti-semetic [sic] than “Goodbye” is religious.
(Chris Fuller) 
Could you post your SAT scores and IQ?
(Melinda Shore) 
If you have any trouble, Chris, the minus sign is next to the
(Doug Wyman) 

Wyngaarden, Cornelia
Everything that Helms person is involved with seems to
circulate around hate and stupidity.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
When the Star Wars epic is finally completed, will it be
longer or shorter than the Ring?
(Gene Smith) 
I understand that the Ring Saga is eight hours long.
(Thomas Smith) 
You misspelled Rinse Cycle.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
And what is it that you would remind us of, “SHIT FOR
(Patron 44) 
That it is easy to irritate people who are already wrong.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
I can’t pick up my cat because the boarding school is closed
today. I hope they’re feeding him at least.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
What do they teach your cat at boarding school?
(Jack Hamilton) 
The three R’s: Ransacking, Ruining and Ruthlessness.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
Everyone wishes to sell but some of us do not wish to sell
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
If you don’t have at least a marginal, real interest [in
languages] there’s a very strong possibility that nothing
will be learned.
(Brian Vogel) 
Even the extremely dull-witted among us know that many of the
courses offered at a secondary educational level are
introductions and a sort of filtering out process. Many of
the post-secondary students that I have taught don’t even
know what they are *really* interested in until they get
their first degree. Compulsory exposure to other languages is
part of a whole educational philosophy and in some less
xenophobic areas of the world even more structured than in
the USA.
Of course you should be the exception to that rule because
you were fully formed even *before* you hit kindergarden and
toilet trained before you were born.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
History repeats itself.
(Bill Lindemann) 
For people who like to run around in circles, endlessly.
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 
Corporations are psychotic because their self-interest is the
bottom line. Because your government has taken corporate
interest as their own it has become psychotic by proxy. It
will do harm to any individual who stands in the way of this
(Cornelia Wyngaarden) 

Yanney, Linda
This is too complicated for the first cup of coffee.
(Ayana Craven) 
Dahling, what isn’t?
(Linda Yanney) 
If you don’t understand Kalman filtering, you’re a big
(Tim Wilson) 
I’ve never even heard of it. I guess that makes me [preen]
the Biggest Doofus.
(Ellen Evans) 
Pinna Envy.
(Linda Yanney) 
In the 70s and 80s, “chick” was probably about as right out
as “bitch” or “cunt” used in the same context.
(Jess Anderson) 
I like cunt.
(Linda Yanney) 

Zwicky, Arnold
Always wear gloves to a restaurant, to the theatre, when you
go to lunch, or to a formal dinner, or to a dance. Always
take them off when you eat. The question of length and color
is one of transient fashion and personal taste.
(Emily Post) 
Go back and read that sentence; take its lesson to heart.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Labeling something as sarcasm utterly undercuts the effect.
The whole point about sarcasm is that it’s risky; it depends
on your hearer getting the literal meaning and then seeing
that you can’t mean *that* so you must mean something else
and working out what that other thing must be. Your hearer
has to do some interpretive work, and that work *is* the
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Epithets like “breeder” and “cocksucker” really aren’t
parallel, and can’t be. An epithet like “cocksucker” arises
from the *contempt* of one group for those in a stigmatized
and/or marginalized group; such words are commonly used as
instruments of social control, to warn people away from the
behaviors of the marginalized group (I’m sure that strayt
boyz use “cocksucker” much much more often to one another, as
part of what I think of as “masculinity practice.” than they
do to actual cocksuckers like me), as well as to throw up a
wall of fear and hate between themselves and the (largely
unknown and therefore potentially dangerous, deeply different
and therefore contaminated) marginalized group. “Breeder”
doesn’t work like that at all. There is fear in there — fear
with a real-life, adrenalin-pumping basis — and as a result
some hate, too, but the central emotion is *rage*, rage like
that of a dog directed, after long and bitter experience,
against the person who beats it savagely.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Looks like, if you want a half-decent pun filter you need one
that can do just about everything except wash glitches and
cool the common clod.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Just about all real intellectual activity starts from the
understanding that *there is a problem here*, especially in
things we take for granted.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
There is a very big world outside this newsgroup [soc.motss],
and most of it is inimical enough to satisfy anybody’s needs
for combat. In any case, there is alt.politics.homosexuality,
which really truly was created for (among other things) the
airing of opinions about gayfolk. (Yes, it’s an unpleasant
place, but then the opinions in question are on the whole
lamentable, so what do you expect? If the outhouse smells, do
you then decide to shit in the kitchen, where it’s nicer?)
(Arnold Zwicky) 
A real conversation passes back and forth among many
participants, and its course is like the meander of a river.
There is no guiding hand. People join and leave, as their
lives and their passions allow; the river constantly changes
its course.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
[Of insults among friends:] But I’d do this in e-mail only;
no matter how I framed it in a posting, there would always be
some oxygen-breathing rutabagas who read this group who would
take it entirely the wrong way.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Steve Dyer is a computer consultant.
(James Scutero) 
And what’s *your* species?
(Greg Parkinson) 
Computer insultant.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
[Of the US president, to a Canadian] He ain’t yours, he’s
(Scott Safier) 
Bears, bears, all the time bears.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
If I catch anyone violating the laws of physics in my
presence they’ll damn well hear about it! (“Hey! Are you
decreasing the net entropy of the universe? Stop it right now
or I’ll have to ask you to step outside!”)
(Alex Elliott) 
Hmmm. Define “outside”.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
Brazil is where the nuts come from, but Mollis is where the
Zwickys come from.
(Arnold Zwicky) 
With fronds like these, who needs anemones?
(Elizabeth and Arnold Zwicky) 

Zwicky, Elizabeth
Anyone who thinks I’d be unattractive if I looked like
Melinda isn’t welcome in my bedroom unless they’re being paid
to clean it. Anyone who finds it even vaguely worthy of note
that a person who looks like me can be strong and intelligent
isn’t welcome in my life, much less my bedroom.
(Elizabeth D. Zwicky)